Magick Sandwich

3/8/10

Governor's Race to the Bottom

It's not like New York State has the only deeply flawed human being as its governor. South Carolina has Mark Sanford, politician, family man and ersatz hiking enthusiast. Rod "Blacker than Barack" Blagojevich of Illinois is out of office but still on TV in Celebrity Apprentice. Rod, how can we forget you when you won't go away?

But it's true that New York's governor David Paterson is hanging on for dear political life to a post he didn't earn but lucked into due to someone else's scandal. His cheating? We already had sex scandal fatigue when we found out. New Yorkers said, "Oh, that again? Next!"

He accepted tickets to the World Series then tried to cover it up with a back-dated check forged by someone else. That is like scaling the Everest of ineptitude. But yeah, whatever, Yankee tickets. People have done worse.

But calling a battered woman to keep her from testifying against his closest aide? I'm not even sure what to call that--too many epithets apply. Paterson has finally announced he will not run for re(haha)election. But he insists he will remain in office until the end of the year.

To honor his momentous decision to overstay his welcome in Albany and politics in general, I have created this greeting card. It's available at someecards.com, for you to send a quick and easy shout out to your New York friends.

(Eliot, are you listening?)

NY!

3/1/10

Chocolate Powered by Prayer: Product of the Week

Despite our name, we at Magick Sandwich do not believe in magical foodstuffs.So imagine our surprise when we found this company peddling enlightened delectation: Intentional Chocolate.

First of all, let me point out that unless you're being tortured--the technical term might be choco-boarding-- your ingestion of chocolate could arguably be defined as intentional. But this company goes way beyond that simple definition.

Its founder, Jim Walsh, states: "Whoever consumes this chocolate will manifest optimal health and functioning at physical, emotional and mental levels and in particular will enjoy an increased sense of energy,vigor and well-being for the benefit of all beings."

This feat is accomplished by having each chocolate prayed over by "advanced meditators -- some who have trained with the Dalai Lama -- and is delivered with love to those who eat it." I would hope in addition to love, the Lama taught them to use sneeze guards, rubber gloves and observe the "Employees Must Wash Hands" sign in the company restroom. No offense to these highly-trained love infusion specialists, but I don't want monk snot or worse on my chocolate.

Still skeptical? It's been "proven by scientific research to heighten well-being." In 2007, alternative health journal Explore (which also touts garlic as a breast cancer preventive) reported that a study of 62 people found that subjects who ate the intention-infused chocolate had more energy and better moods after three days than subjects stuck with plain chocolate. Wow, I'm convinced. Imagine what they could accomplish if they prayed for world peace?

The site also asks this deep question. "Why is a home cooked meal so satisfying and healing? Because it was made with love and infused with care." But my grandparents hated each other. Why didn't her cooking kill him? Hey, wait a second...he did die, eventually. This Jim Walsh guy is onto something. Just to be on the safe side, make sure someone tickles the chef or slips him a Prozac the next time you're out to dinner.

More products:
Twisted Product of the Week: Latisse
Flat-D: Product of the Week

2/22/10

Still More Stupid Baby Names

It's time for another installment of stupid baby names. Together, we'll analyze how celebrities choose baby names to accessorize themselves. It's the ultimate in lifestyle branding. Let's start with the classics:

Music and Movies: The hits keep coming for Rachel Griffiths. Clementine could be named for a 19th century song about a drowned woman, or perhaps for the scurvy-curbing Christmas stocking stuffer. Clementine joins her five year old brother, Banjo. Rachel might be trying to evoke bluegrass, but all I keep hearing is the theme from Deliverance.

Boris Becker has named his son Amadeus. This may be a hint that Boris would like his son to take up music instead of tennis, or it could be a tribute to the quirky movie of the same name. Then again, it might simply reveal an abiding love of Falco.

Will Ferrell's third son is named Axel. Could Will be sending a baby-sized shout out to Axel Rose? (Does Guns'n'Roses need more cowbell?) Or is this a sly reference to Ferrell's skating moves in Blades of Glory? Can Axel's brother, Magnus, live up to the promise of his name's Latin origin, great? I'd wager he's got a better shot than Banjo.

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden named their first child Harlow Winter Kate, which is not stupid at all compared to their new baby's name. (More later.) Jean Harlow was an actress who died of renal failure at age 26. But before that, she got to make a lot of cool flicks with Clark Gable, which happens to be Kevin Nealon's son's name. Unless Kevin named him for a roofing style, I suggest he arrange some play dates for Gable with Harlow. You never know. Some stupid baby name meta-inbreeding could ensue.

Literature: Parents can prove their own intelligence with literary names for their peeing, pooping progeny. They'll function as a portable Cliff Notes of cool. We turn to Greek mythology for Anne Heche's latest issue. Atlas was forced by Zeus to hold up the world. Atlas and his half brother, Homer, will be forced to read about their mom's time as Celestia or view her channeling her alter ego to Barbara Walters on youTube. Sorry, kids.

In this category, we have a stupid baby name for the underachiever: Story. Jenna Elfman is expecting her second child this spring. Hopefully she'll aim a little higher this time. As for Story, what is it? Is it a book, a comic, a soap opera? It could refer to anything. No pressure, kid! Just smoke some bud and relax!

Geography: Place names have just been done to death, people. If you must, use my Stupid Baby Name Generator, but be warned! When kid number 19 from Michelle and Jim Bob (Jim Bob!) Duggar of TLC's 18 Kids and Counting is named Josie Brooklyn, place names have officially jumped the shark. Sorry, Josie! Remember, it's easy to change your name. Satchel Allen did it and you can, too. You can talk about it in therapy, which hopefully you'll be able to afford once your mother runs out of eggs.

Nature: Naked Chef Jamie Oliver is growing a human garden with Poppy, Daisy and new daughter Petal Blossom Rainbow. Granted, his wife's name is Jools, but that's no excuse. Do you want your daughter to be rolling around in the mud with some dirty hippie at a music festival? Is that what you're wishing on her?

Mr. Oliver is just not famous enough to nab the stupid celebrity baby naming prize: this goes to Nicole Richie for naming her son Sparrow James Midnight Madden. Won't the kid collapse under the weight of all those names? Is Sparrow an homage to Pirates of the Caribbean? Is James Midnight his porn name? And wouldn't it be strange if a boy named Sparrow grew up to be hugely fat? (Not that I'm wishing that on him or anything...that would be wrong.) Nicole, your prize awaits: the first three seasons of The Simple Life.

Finally, from the That's Unfortunate! department comes this announcement, run in Entertainment Weekly: