Happy World Play-Doh Day!

September 16 is World Play-Doh Day. After writing about it on Worldwide Weird Holidays, I found that some of the prose was a bit inappropriate for that site--in other words, perfect for Magick Sandwich. Call it WWWH After Dark, if you will. (I'm pretty sure you won't.)

Fun Facts about Play-Doh: The compound was created in 1933 to clean coal soot off wallpaper. The inventor ripped off the formula homemakers and servants had used for decades.

By 1956, homes didn't use coal anymore. No soot, no need for the cleaner. The company was tanking when the sister-in-law of an employee suggested repurposing it as a toy and came up with the name. Of course, she received no credit or payment.

The employee convinced Bob Keeshan, a.k.a. Captain Kangaroo, to feature it on his show once a week in exchange for a percentage of the sales. Similar to payola schemes run by radio disc jockeys, this was truly a case of "pay to play" or "pay to play-doh," if you're feeling punny.

Bonus Fun Fact: A tell-all book by longtime stage manager Daniel B. Morgan alleges that Keeshan liked to expose himself before the show, sticking a pencil under it and waving it at Hugh "Lumpy" Brannum, who played Mr. Green Jeans. Per Morgan:
“Then the Captain would come through the door, greet everyone, and hang the keys on the key hook. On with the show! So now, at the end of the program (which probably included credits), Bob was backstage reading the final voice-over...(and) during Bob’s final read, Lumpy pulled out his penis and began to pee on Bob’s leg."
Captain Kangaroo liked to pull out his dick before greeting his fan base of millions of small children. Doesn't everybody? (I need to Purell my childhood memories. Can someone find out if that's possible?)


Do you long for the simple charms of shaping and smushing, but can't figure out how to integrate Play-Doh into your daily work routine without attracting undue attention? How awkward would a trip to Human Resources be? Even the most exhaustive employee handbook has no listing for "Play-Doh, abuse of." There are no talking points, no rehab to recommend.

On second thought, there could be a highly-specialized treatment center somewhere in, say, Malibu. Right now, someone is getting equine therapy to break the cycle of Play-Doh addiction. In case you're unfamiliar with the modality, the Equine Psychotherapy website explains: "It is the discipline of using horses as a means to provide metaphoric experiences in order to promote emotional growth." It sounds a lot like getting a horse to babysit so the human can go grab a cocktail. (Horse-sit: say it three times fast.)

Now you can avoid the humiliation of being narced on by coworkers---and the deceptively pleasant-sounding shame spiral which follows---while enjoying the essence of Play-Doh every moment of every day, with no risk of sanctions. Demeter Fragrance Library, the maker of such classic scents as Lobster and Funeral Home, offers Play-Doh cologne. In honor of World Play-Doh Day, the splash and spray are 25% off through September 19, 2016.

Don't be surprised if the scent inspires an admirer to pull on your pigtails. (Apparently, little boys used to do that to little girls they liked, but we can't find anyone who's seen or done it.) Guys, it's unisex, so if you spritz it on, don't be surprised if someone pulls on your man-bun.

On the subject of male grooming, why is practiced, casual vanity so often inversely proportional to a man's personal hygiene habits? I'm thinking of a 1980s TV star who claims to have no interest in fashion but festoons himself every day with at least ten necklaces and as many rings as his fingers can hold. (We have no problem with male adornment, just hypocrisy.) Coincidentally, he looks like he hasn't taken a shower since the 1980s. Surely there's a circus nearby where the elephants can wait a moment so he can be hosed down.

Back to the hairdo: A man-bun says, "I write poetry, I love to cuddle, I'm sensitive and attentive and I smell like a week-old, bloated goat carcass." Happy World Play-Doh Day, everybody!


March 18 is Awkward Moments Day

This post originally appeared on our sister site. Worldwide Weird Holidays. It seems like a good fit for Magick Sandwich readers, too. We hope you'll enjoy it! (Feel free to share your own awkward moments in the Comments Section!)
awkward moments
is for Awkward


adjective US /ˈɔk·wərd/ 1. difficult to use, do, or deal with: The computer came in a big box that was awkward to carry. 2. causing inconvenience, anxiety, or embarrassment: It was an awkward situation, because the restaurant was too expensive for us but we didn’t want to just get up and walk out. 3. Someone who feels awkward feels embarrassed or nervous: We were the first to arrive at the party and felt a little awkward. 4. lacking grace or skill when moving: He’s too awkward – he’ll never be a good dancer. (Definition from Cambridge Academic Content Dictionary © Cambridge University Press)
hear pronunciation Warning: If you decide to listen to this  audio clip at the office, be warned that it is automatically followed by pronunciation of the word "pedophile." That will not be easy to explain to Human Resources.

In honor of Awkward Moments Day, we'd like to offer a few examples of instances when you would gladly teleport onto the face of the sun to get away from the situation in which you find yourself.

You meet your boyfriend's parents and, in the middle of dinner, realize you have a need to defecate that will not be denied. You excuse yourself to use their bathroom. When you finish, the toilet won't flush. Panic-stricken, you flush again. The toilet overflows.

You keep telling your parents about a favorite show you're sure they'll love. When they visit, you queue it up on Netflix. Unfortunately, you forgot about the nudity and "sexposition"--when boring plot points are discussed while two or more people enjoy each other's earthly wares. You might call it Game of Thrones Syndrome when you're ready to laugh about it a decade from now. But most likely, never
You're on your way out when a neighbor gets on the elevator with you. You say hi and then stare at the door as if it's so interesting it should be hanging in an art gallery. You purposely lag behind when getting off on the first floor, but she holds the front door open so you have to break into a half-jog to catch up. You say "thanks," she says, "you're welcome," and turns away. You realize you're going in the same direction.

After everyone else leaves and the boss is gone, you blast rap music through the office's stereo system. The doorbell rings and you buzz the person in, figuring it's a late delivery. But it's a prospective client who's stopped by to pick up information just as a song kicks in with, "Hey, m*f*, hey, m*f*, yo!" You scramble to turn it off, then pretend nothing happened, desperate that he do the same. After a minute that feels like an hour, he turns around and leaves.

Your debit card is rejected after the cashier has rung up a huge load of groceries. You start to sweat as you ask her to try again, stammering about how it must be a mistake, that you checked your balance just hours before. You try to ignore her facial expression as she puts your bags aside so you can run to the store's ATM. Once there, you realize it's not a mistake, and you can either go back, remove items and split payment between cash and the card...or run away and never shop there again.

You're wheeling a cart stuffed with dirty clothes to the laundromat. As you cross the street, you see a cute guy walking toward you. You think he might be looking at you; you're not interested but, still, it's nice to be noticed. The cart abruptly halts as the wheels catch on the edge of the curb, and you walk into it, bashing your shins and falling over it as it tips over, spilling your underwear out onto the ground as the guy passes by. He never breaks stride
Have a happy Awkward Moments Day!

Copyright 2016 Worldwide Weird Holidays


The Mother Lode of Stupid Baby Names

Bad Baby Names

As we wait with bated breath to learn the name Kim Kardashian and Kanye West choose for North West's little brother (because nothing else is going on in the world), let Magick Sandwich entertain you with its nearly comprehensive yet thoroughly incomprehensible list of bad baby names and the sadists who came up with them.

Repeat Offenders

Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson named their daughter Maxwell Drew in honor of his dad's middle name and Jessica's mom's middle name, respectively. Son Ace Knute was born 20 months later in 2013. He was named Knute after Eric's grandfather and Ace after, what? A bandage? Frehley? The Red Baron?

Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale named their youngest son Apollo Bowie Flynn after their mothers' maiden names. Since their other sons, Zuma Nesta Rock and Kingston James McGregor, were named for Stefani and Rossdale's favorite places, can we assume they took a secret trip to the moon between tours? (Maybe that's what split them up--it sucked all the oxygen out of their relationship.)

Soleil Moon Frye and Jason Goldberg have a son, Lyric Sonny Roads, and two daughters, Poet Sienna Rose and Jagger Joseph Blue, names that remind us of ice cream, crayons and paint chips, not necessarily in that order.

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin named their son Moses for a song he wrote for Coldplay and daughter Apple because it sounded "lovely and clean," not because they were on a fruit cleanse or illegally downloading better music onto their iPods. If only their kids could consciously uncouple from their names.


Jay-Z and Beyoncé liked Blue Ivy, the name they chose for their daughter, so much that they tried to have it trademarked. It had already been taken by a Boston wedding planner. Isn't there a site they could have checked first? Yes--Trademark Electronic Search System (TESS), in case you ever need it.

Alicia Keys and Swiss Beatz named their daughter Egypt in honor of a life-changing trip. Thank goodness it wasn't to Bayonne.

Holly Madison, previously one of "The Girls Next Door" known for letting Hugh Hefner play with her lady parts, named her daughter (with Pasquale Rotella, not Hef) Rainbow Aurora. Warm up the stripper pole. Was Inflamed Herpes Sore already taken?

According to Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, they decided to name their daughter Wyatt after coming up with it at a Lakers game. Anything would be preferable to actually watching a Lakers game.

Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard named their daughter Lincoln Bell and claimed it had nothing to do with our sixteenth president. Instead, she was named after Shepard's first car. If so, it's a good thing it wasn't a Gremlin. Then they'd have to explain their kid had nothing to do with a certain beloved movie franchise from the 1980s.

Why did Zooey Deschanel and Jacob Pechenik name their daughter Elsie Otter? Zoey explained on the Today Show, "We just really liked the name Elsie and then we both love otters. They're very sweet, and they're also smart."

Otters are vicious carnivores. Narwhals are cute. Everybody knows that.

At least Elsie is a recognizable name. Blake Anderson named his daughter Mars Ilah. Mars. Ilah. Lorenzo Lamas named his daughter Press. That isn't even a proper name, is it? Garlic, cider, permanent: those are presses. 

Rob Morrow named his daughter Tu. Tu Morrow. What a dick

Other questionable girl's names include Arlo Lemoyne Yoko (Johnny Knoxville); Romy Hero (Sam Taylor-Wood); Royal Reign (L'il Kim); Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee); Moxie Crimefighter (Penn Jillette); Maxwell Lue (Lindsay Sloane); Autumn James (Jennifer Love Hewitt); Harper (Tiffani Amber-Thiessen); Harper Seven (Victoria Beckham); and James (Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds).


Musicians Ciara and Future named their son Future. It's too bad his dad's given name is Nayvadius Wilburn. Otherwise, he could be called Future II and that would put us in mind of another beloved movie franchise of the 1980s.

It should come as no shock that Jenelle Evans of "16 and Pregnant" gave birth to son Jace Vahn when she was sixteen. Last year, she had another son and named him Kaiser Orion.

Kaiser joins Banjo (Rachel Griffiths); Kal-El (Nicolas Cage); Bodhi Ransom (Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green); Kase Townes (Jewel and Ty Murray); Meredith Daniel (Jay Mohr), Sundance (Kerri Walsh); Bear Blaze (Kate Winslet); Bear Blu (Alicia Silverstone); Axl Jack (Fergie); Kroy (Kim Zolciak); Zolten (Jillette again); Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz (Beckham again).

Double Winners

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon occupy a category unto themselves: first-timers guilty of multiple offenses after the birth of their twins. They named their girl Monroe after Mariah's idol, Marilyn Monroe. What inspired them to name their son Moroccan? He's named after the décor in one of Mariah's favorite rooms of her $9 million penthouse in New York.

It gets weirder. Cannon bragged that Mariah insisted her Madison Square Garden performance of Fantasy be played during labor, so the twins emerged to the sound of applause.

The Stupid Baby Name Award goes to...

Jeremy Sisto and Addie Layne, who named their daughter Charlie-Ballerina in 2009. They wanted to call her Charlie Kyd, but David Duchovny had already used Kyd for his son. So when their son was born in 2012, they named him Bastian Kick. They reasoned that Kick was close to Kyd and, according to Sisto, “He felt like a ‘B’ somehow … and we went for the B’s,” What, he didn't deserve a hyphen?

Congratulations,  Moms and Dads! You suck. Luckily, you can afford the therapy your children will require for the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder they will experience after suffering through their childhoods saddled with names so stupid, fruit flies would kill themselves to avoid a lifetime of embarrassment...and they only live a few weeks.

Kids, you can change your name! If you want to mess with your parents' heads, switch to something even crazier. May we suggest Glyph, Magma, Subvert, Irony, Periodic Table or ellemenopee?

More crazy names:
Stupid Baby Names Generator, or Zuma Nesta Rock Paper Scissors: Home Edition
Stupid Baby Names, Part Duh
Still More Stupid Baby Names