6/23/2014

Magick Sandwich FAIL

Magick Sandwich has been on an unannounced (and unintended) hiatus while I've been working on a new project, a t-shirt directory called Greatest Tees on Earth. It's been fun and time-consuming. I hope you'll pardon my absence and enjoy these much more amusing examples of failure to communicate.

Duct Tape FAIL

Normally, I dislike the profligate use of FAIL. It inflames my inner English major. But I can't think of a better description for this duct-taped attempt at urban renewal. Of course, the sign is still operational, so I guess it's also a duct tape SUCCESS.

Flyer Fail

At least the circulars and flyers don't cover the sign that says, "PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE CIRCULARS AND FLYERS." That would be rude.

Love FAIL

Greeting cards are so audacious in their specificity, aren't they?  I would argue that if you're searching for a way to save your troubled relationship in your local Walgreen's Hallmark section, you've already lost.

Lawn FAIL

Why spend valuable time maintaining your lawn and neighborhood property values when you can follow this homeowner's example, grab a can of  paint and spray on a little grassiti? This yard is ready for a fresh coat. (Why not go neon for a refreshing change of pace?)
Historic Preservation FAIL

I don't know who decided that "the first motel ever converted from a movie theater and located in a small community" should be declared a historic site. That town meeting must have been a hoot. Lincoln never slept here...but you can!


2/13/2014

4 New Products to Try this Valentine's Day

We've told you how to pimp your vajajay, get gorgeous with crazy treatments, decipher her Valentine riddles, and enjoy some quality alone time with an iTunes app. Now Magick Sandwich brings you this dispatch from our annual genital Olympics.

*****

Our tireless pursuit of hairless pudenda has claimed a hidden casualty. The pubic crab is all but extinct, Bloomberg reports, due to our destruction of its habitat. (Where is PETA? Off protesting the eugenics of dog breeding at the Westminster Kennel Show? Are saber-toothed crotch critters unworthy of affection? How species-ist!)
While it may be too late for the littlest victims, we can hide our guilty loins with the Kitty Carpet, the reusable downstairs toupee. A popular style is the Michael Jackson, presumably because it looks like a Jheri curl and is highly flammable.

For the man who suffers feelings of inadequacy when watching Mad Men (also known as Jon Hamm-feriority complex), there is the faux bulge of Trunk in My Junk, an underwear insert that offers the latest in stealth codpiece technology. Unless she tries to put her hands down your pants.

Also for gents, the soothingly named ballsBalm is a depilatory lotion that comes with a decidedly rough-sounding exfoliating glove. The company touts it as an enjoyable adjunct to pleasuring oneself. It sounds like a sadomasochistic way to cut the brush to make the tree look bigger. If sandpapering one's own gonads was pleasant, Home Depot wouldn't be able to keep the stuff in stock.

http://vimeo.com/67600013

Finally, a product called repHresh uses this cute girl in Groucho glasses to represent other deodorants that mask vaginal odor. Can Mr. Marx' estate sue? (Please?) While in this case "pH balance" is code for "smelly cooch," the ad also mentions odor seven times, proceeding from the assumption that women already stink. Ladies, if you go to all this trouble and your man still doesn't like it down there, maybe he's gay!

*****

Whatever's trending for you, #bush or #bald, we at Magick Sandwich wish you a happy Valentine's Day. No matter what you've got going on, have fun. Go crazy. 'T ain't nobody's business if you do!