Radiant Tampons: Product of the Week

I've seen some odd stuff--everything from scrotal wash to anal bleach--but never at my local pharmacy. So when Tampax Radiant Tampons turned up at Walgreen's, it piqued my interest. I found this description on the Tampax website:

"New Tampax Radiant tampons give you an ultimate protection experience like never before!"

Radiant? Does it double as a flashlight? Is it a nuclear energy source? Does it glow in the dark? I have to admit, that could come in handy during a blackout. Or a rave.

"The Radiant tampon features FormFit™ protection that gently expands to fit your unique shape...."

I've always assumed that all vaginas are fairly similar. How unique can they be? Square, rhomboid? Surely not fractal?! I don't know how we've survived all these years without this bespoke tampon. I am also glad to read that it "gently expands." We've all had too many of those things going off like airbags up there. Am I right, ladies?

"...a LeakGuard™ braid to help stop leaks before they happen..."

This just seems like a waste of perfectly good extensions.

"...a CleanSeal™ wrapper—the first ever re-sealable wrapper for worry-free disposal..."

Why would we worry? Are we in space, trash floating free in the capsule? Training a cadaver-sniffing canine unit? Camping in bear country? Trying to hide our preoperative female-to-male gender reassignment from friends? (We know who we are.)

"...and a CleanGrip™ applicator designed for incredible comfort."

This is definitely preferable to DirtyGrip™ or GreasyGrip™ (which are probably already on the market as lube). It sounds a bit like ad copy for a Brookstone personal massager. Still, I'm sure that Tampax has done a lot of research into this truly new and different product and hasn't just had its marketing department come up with new and different words to sell the same old thing.

So when the woman in the stall next to you breaks into song and yells, "I'm incredibly comfortable!" you'll know she has a Tampax Radiant tampon to thank.

But you still may want to alert the authorities.


More dirty business:
Flat-D: Product of the Week
Magick Monday Manscaping
Pimp Your Vajajay for Valentine's Day!
Scrotal Deodorant Wash: Product of the Week

Clarity Costs Extra

I've been trying to figure out how, despite unlimited this and family plan that, my cell phone
bill is so high. Did I sign up to fund a bridge to nowhere project in my sleep? How did my cell phone turn into a handheld perpetual debt machine? Naturally, I suspected sorcery but logged onto att.com just in case there might be an earthly cause. Then I saw this.

Lord knows, I'm in favor of limiting parental controls. (Who do they think they are?) But what about that second thing, "Detailed Billing"? Could it be that the invoice I receive each month does not represent AT&T's best effort to convey the value of its services? Perhaps, but I required further information. Luckily, getting to the detail within the detail cost only a click.

As paying customers, we're entitled to thorough, comprehensible billing and communications, aren't we? It seems nothing is implicit in a world where basic clarity is commoditized. AT&T has the wherewithal to generate a better, easily understood bill for every customer. Instead it sends out a statement it knows to be inferior by its own standard. Why? All we've done is pay every penny of our bills. Don't we deserve better? Not if companies can get us to pay for the privilege.

I still don't know why my cellphone bill is so high. I don't think "Detailed Billing" would have helped me figure it out, anyway. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go find out why my nav system only speaks Urdu.

Lonely on Valentine's Day? There's an App for That

It's Valentine's Day again, when lonely souls search for a good time. Now they can look no further than their iPhones with the OhMiBod Remote app, available on iTunes. This breakthrough for the hands free onanist allows one to operate one's vibrator remotely.

Designed for touch screen control,  the app also works with the iPad and iPod touch. A tap on the screen accesses five preloaded settings, including "Ooh I like!" and the mysterious "Fire Alarm." For a more personalized experience, OhMiBod can direct the massager to pulsate with the beat of one's favorite songs, perhaps causing bass-heavy rock bands to edge out, say, Moby, on one's playlist.

Of course, this remote can be used by couples as well. What boyfriend wouldn't want to take a break from playing Angry Birds to pleasure his woman while watching porn and indulging in low tech masturbation in another room?

Steve Jobs would be so proud.


More to love:
Pimp Your Vajajay for Valentine's Day!
9 Ways to Prevent Your Own Valentine's Day Massacre

My New Rehab: Opening Soon!

I used to think that there were only three foolproof jobs in the world: weatherman, umbrella salesman and pantyhose manufacturer. A "meteorologist" can be wrong much of the time and not get fired. The other two sell products whose planned obsolescence is so quick it almost precedes purchase. No one expects an apology or reimbursement or innovation. Repeat customers happily come back for more. Failure is its own reward. What could be better?

One word: rehab. Exhaustion, racism, anti-Semitism? Rehab! Relapse, overdose, suicide? What doesn't get blamed? Rehab! Dr. Drew Pinsky fails more than 75 percent of the time and he's got three shows. Catch him on CNN giving expert commentary on the death of Whitney Houston. I'm not kidding. If there's is a downside to the rehab business, I can't see it. Some say AA is a cult--if so, it's a lousy one, since it doesn't turn a profit. That's why I'm opening the Magick Sandwich Full Service Rehab and Grill, accepting applications now.

I'm sure some of the more pampered crackheads will be expecting entertainment and plush accommodations. High thread count sheets and bottled water will be provided. In the spirit of tough love, however, no equine therapy will be available, despite its popularity at many resort-habs. Hazelden, a pioneer in the "life is better when you're not drunk and/or stoned" industry, recommends it for clients who tend to over-intellectualize.

Many patients have avoided feeling emotions for so long that they don't know how to anymore. Through working with horses, feelings of fear, anger, resentment, sadness, loneliness, joy and peace are brought to surface.

How about anger and resentment that they're stars and they've paid good money to muck a stable...in Minnesota? And while these four-legged psychiatrists are great listeners, phone sessions with them tend to be one-sided. What is a celebrity who can't cart around his trusty steed in case of the odd jones to do?

At my new rehab, I've considered the practicalities. That's why I'm proud to introduce Goldfish-Assisted Therapy.™  "Horses are typically non-judgmental," according to one rehab, and "have no preconceived expectations or motives." Typically? I can say with certainty that every goldfish is non-judgmental, unbiased in every way. Plus they're portable. They can come along for moral support to parties where hooves are prohibited. They can be transported in the rectum or swallowed in case of cavity search, although this may result in premature fish death. Luckily, they're easy to replace. No one expects them to last.

In anticipation of my rehab's success, I hereby announce the Magick Sandwich Sober Coach Certification Program, featuring my revolutionary "Put It Down, Charlie!" treatment method. All major credit cards accepted.


***No Mr. Ed, happy horseshit, Black Beauty, Trigger or horse pun was harmed in the making of this blog post.***