Salvation: Just an Email Away!

Don of Beyond Left Field wrote an excellent article called How I Struck Out Jesus, which, fair warning, he linked to a blasphemous dressup site. A coincidental benefit, if there is such a thing as coincidence, was Google Adsense's moronic ad placement, which stated "This Prayer Can Change Your Life" on the page with Don's savior smackdown.

I clicked on it and was directed to jesus2020.com, home of Global Media Outreach. I also had an opportunity to click on the "4 Steps to God" but that just felt like too much work. By the way, does that mean Jesus is coming in 2020? Again, I didn't feel like looking it up but I'd like to be prepared, in a wear-clean-underwear-in-case-of-Rapture kind of way.

I scrolled to the bottom of the page, where I was asked if I'd read the prayer.Since I saw no consequence in lying (cue thunder), I clicked on the big YES. Here's what I saw:



I've been too busy rejecting the possibility of an all-powerful being to learn how to do a proper screenshot, so I'm sorry if the image is too small. Click on the image to enlarge or possibly go directly to Hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

I had a hard time deciding whether I was choosing Christ or recommitting myself to Him. It's been a long time since I taught Sunday school--no one was confirmed that year--but I've recently become uncomfortable sporting my "I gave myself to Jesus but now he never calls" t-shirt in public. Christians wear crosses as a symbol of their belief. I just happen to wear nasty t-shirts as mine.

I filled out the form and got a quick reply. Of course! If the logistical problem of listening to billions of sniveling prayers for such luxuries as iPhones or clean water doesn't bother God, why should it be a problem for an internet-savvy cyber-church?

Here's the email I received.

Kathcom,

This is to confirm that we have received your request for personal assistance. Please do not reply to this e-mail.
You should receive a personal response by e-mail within the next several business days.

Sincerely,
Response Centers staff

P.S. Your Question/Comment was:
I said the prayer. Where's my cake?

I'll keep you posted. My eternal damnation may be riding on my email provider. Yes, I'm an atheist. But just in case Pascal was right, I don't want to be standing around holding my johnson saying, "Oh, shit".

Okay, so I don't have a johnson. But trust me, if I did, I might as well be holding it if Jesus shows up.

More Jesus juice:
Have Your Cake and Eat Me, too!
It's a good thing....