The True Patriot

"Spelling's for uhleetists!"

Please do your part to keep America strong by writing a better caption for this photo! The winner will receive my undying admiration. Isn't that enough? Seriously, your country needs you.

True Dat

Google Hot Trends Mad Lib

I was reading how William McCamment at Dead Rooster mistakenly got traffic from people trying to Google Ambien's new Silence Your Rooster campaign when I was struck with an idea. Without further ado, I present the first Magick Sandwich Mad Lib!

Who am I?

I am an exiled MTV American. I was born in the tomb of the unknown soldier. When my father first saw me he said, "don t date him girl!"

I have blackberry storm brown eyes and a half man half tree complexion. My hobby is collecting Mapquest driving directions.

I wear Heidi Wood clothing and have a pet hobo spider named Mackenzie Phillips. I have given away thousands of feral children to charity. My most prominent physical characteristics are my ups tracking nose and my neurosyphilis.

Who am I?

I might be in trouble, but I'd like to point out that anyone can access Google Hot Trends and that you can find Google's most popular articles and blogs for each hot term by clicking the links I've provided. You can get there from here! So Google should be thanking me, right?

By the way, go the real MadLibs site here or rewrite Hamlet's third soliloquy here.

See, I've got something for everyone! Please don't squash me, Google. Without you, I'm nothing.(Well, I'm still not really anything but Google gives me hope.)

The Stupid Baby Name Generator, or Zuma Nesta Rock Paper Scissors: Home Edition

Remember back in 1987, when everybody gave Woody Allen crap for naming his kid Satchel? What a difference a couple of decades make. In homage to the latest Hollywood couple upping the ante of sadistic baby names, I have come up with a very unscientific method of naming your next breathing fashion accessory.

(By the way, Woody's son was named after Satchel Paige, the legendary ballplayer. He legally changed his name to Ronan Seamus Farrow and I'm not going to make fun of that because he seems like a great guy from his bio on Wikipedia.)

#1. Pick a place where you had a moment of clarity that put your whole life in perspective.

According to US Weekly's baby name expert, Pamela Redmond Satran, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale's son is named after a beach in California where Rossdale had a life-altering epiphany.

"He was standing on Zuma Beach in the early morning after working all night as a production assistant on a music video and was quoted as saying he realized he was wasting his time," Satran says. "He drove up the coast, slept in his car, and started making the moves that would launch his career."

It's a good thing for little Zuma that his daddy didn't figure this out while he was on the john...or maybe he would've just named him John, which would've been okay. Or Stool. Yup, still better than Zuma.

#2. Choose your favorite famous person.

Nesta is variously reported as Bob Marley's first or middle name before it was changed to Robert by some immigration jackboot who really did us all a favor, since Nesta would've been harder to read on a blacklight poster and possibly provoked subliminal cravings for chocolate syrup or tea in a can.

Of course, it would be most cool to use a name that symbolizes your fight against the Man. For our purposes, let's include anyone who has used a different name at some point. Do you prefer Cherilyn Sarkisian LaPiere to Cher, or Arnold George to Engelbert?

Naming your kid should be fun. I can't think of anything less fun than spending as much time as I just did finding out that Humperdinck was the real name of a 19th century composer who adapted Hansel and Gretel for opera. Please, don't waste your time. Make it up; no one's looking. One love, indeed.

#3. Name your profession or favorite purported homosexual.

The name Rock "needs no explanation," given that the baby's parents are rock stars, Satran says, and the fact that we're "long overdue for Rock Hudson-inspired revival."

Let's face it, Satran is blowing sunshine up our asses with this one.She has no frigging idea what it means. If it means rock star, how could it apply to these bozos? They wouldn't know rock if it hit them in the face. (Note to self: hit them in the face with a rock.)

If it's an ode to Rock Hudson, then many closeted performers come to mind. Legal disclaimer: I don't know why it brings them to mind or if they are indeed in a closet of any kind. I make no claims as to anyone's sexual preference and no judgments thereof. After all, look at how badly these stupid breeders are screwing up!

So...... I've come up with a few choices:

Daytona Cougar Receptionist

Produce Aisle Cassius Mario Lopez

Crack Den Geddy Salad Bar Manager


Did this help you come up with a baby name? Please do share it with me. (Cher/share pun, haha,oh no, need more meds). And while you're at it, I have another question for you all: who the hell is Gavin Rossdale?

Funny Five Friday

Since becoming a proud member of the Humor Bloggers community, I've had the opportunity to see what many of my fellow bloggers are up to. I've also come to the conclusion that these people are much, much funnier than me. Rather than hang my head in shame, I've decided to share their work with you and, as a happy coincidence, to bask in their reflected glory.

Jason at GorillaSushi has created some beautiful tattoos for bloggers and found awesome pics of Stormtroopers in Love. I am in awe of his link to this photo of Atheist Toast. I could stare at it all day long and probably will.

Dana at Life Is Good tells all about The Night Willie Nelson Kissed Me Goodbye. While you're there, make sure you play with her avatar and read Proof That Mom Always Liked You Best. Go there to see the adorable bird photo and stay to see Dana put the little guy on Freud's couch. The pic is so great that I'm dying to show it here, but you need to go there and read it yourself. Trust me on this.

Warning: Approach this next link with Caution!
moooooog35 at Mental Poo made me laugh through my nausea with his tale of Uncle Jim and My Ginormous Bunghole. I hate myself for loving it. Check out his advice column, too, if you dare.

Chelle B., the proprietress of the aforementioned HumorBloggers dot com, blogs to heal her pain from The "Clown Porn" Offensive at The Offended Blogger. And the really cute squirrel caption contest will cheer you up and take all the hurt away.

Just to round out the animal theme, check out the rewrite of a local news story in Idiots and animals don't mix at Wit's Bitch. It's about a man and a raccoon: guess who wins.

I think I've finally found a thinly-veiled excuse to post this reminder that dogs take the game of Frisbee very seriously.

3 Uses for September Vogue

Like all good citizens, you are grateful to all the trees who gave their lives to create your fabulous Fall Fashion issue of Vogue. You want to do your part to make the world a more beautiful place. Go beyond the boring dictates of "reduce, reuse, recycle" with these super new ways to give back:


1) Weapon

Create a real fashion emergency when you swing this 798 page tome at a poorly dressed person. Why send fashion faux pas to Stacy and Clinton at What Not to Wear when you can send them directly to the hospital?

(Tip: Grip the magazine in both hands,above your head, and bring the bound edge down hard to work your triceps and incur maximal head trauma.)

2) Insulation

Show your concern for your fellow man by giving your copy to a homeless man, who can crumple the pages and stuff them inside his clothes for warmth. You're helping mankind while finding the only way anyone will actually wear those crazy, astronomically expensive outfits. Way to keep him in vogue, girlfriend!

3) Sustenance

Are you hoping for a lucrative career in modeling? Once you're done reading about that fat pig Keira Knightley, you can stave off your hunger by eating her photos. Remember to chew them slowly, though, with lots of diet soda, so they won't scratch on the way back up. (Save one to tape in the toilet bowl for extra incentive.) And since fall fashion is all about color, your laxative-induced ass gruel will look really pretty, too. Good luck!

My First Contest!

I can't wait to tell you about The AdSpace Contest I found!



The idea is simple and easy: Get as many entries as you can (very easy to do) over the next 30 days. The more entries you get, the better chance you have of winning! At the end of the 30 days, they announce the winner.



The prize?

A 125x125 pixel ad spot (above the fold) on at least TEN DIFFERENT BLOGS that will run for one month. That's at least a $100 value!



Who is co-hosting?

• Geek Mom Mashup


• Vrtualme


• Jamaipanese


• Best of Stupid


• AxioBlog


• The Big Bald Blog


• Jason Boom


• Unconventional Marketing Blog


• Offended Blogger


• GorillaSushi

How do you enter to win?

1 Entry - Subscribe to any one of the blogs above via email.

10 Entries - Write a post about the contest (must include links to all 10 hosts OR use the suggested text)

25 Entries - Offer up an ad spot on your own blog for one month as part of the prize package



Simply put, you could subscribe to all 10 blogs, write a post and offer up your own ad spot for a grand total of 45 entries!

If it were any easier, it would be magick!

Holy Sidewalk, Batman!

This is the best pavement art I've seen in a long time.

All Drug Olympics

This is one my favorites from SNL, a true classic.





Here are a couple of other places that have partial clips, if you can't see this one from hulu.com.

mediazine.net
vodpod.com

This is just too good not to share.

Why Blue is the New Green

As presidential candidates argue the benefits of tire gauges and offshore drilling, as Chinese officials fight to keep smog and smelly cabdrivers at bay during the Olympic games, I would like to pay tribute to the unsung heroes of our economy, the environment and the world: the depressed.

Depressives support us in many ways:

They are locavores, meaning they support local business and farms by always ordering in. They conserve energy by not cooking food themselves, encourage the use of pedal power and support the service sector when they tip the delivery guy.

They watch a lot of television, so they help ratings. They're probably watching the Olympics right now. You're welcome, NBC!

They also use fewer resources since they don't bathe or wash their clothes too often, thereby conserving water and releasing fewer harmful detergents into the ecosystem.

At the same time, depressives add value to our water supply. As you may know, prescription medications are not filtered during water treatment. So, if you've ever said, "Somebody ought to put Prozac in the drinking water around here," they do--every time they pee!


Related post:
Great Gifts for Depressed Friends!

raison d’être

Sometimes, this is the only thing that keeps me going....

Sandwich Fixins

Fun Fact:

The remains of the inventor of the Pringles can are buried in a Pringles can.




Vocabulary Fun for a Good Cause:

For each word you define correctly, the United Nations' World Food Bank will donate 20 grains of rice to help feed the world's hungry.





Because You Know You Want To:

Buy the new photo book,John Waters: Place Space by Todd Oldham.

Mr. Waters, you are my Jesus of filth. I accept that you, my personal savior, choose to shun dentistry. But, if it be thy will, could you please get Mr. Oldham to reconsider his own unfortunate orthodontia? I know he'll listen to you, and those things could really hurt somebody!





Related posts:

Je suis arrivée!

Sandwich Fixins--July 2008

5 Lessons from Customer Service

To give you a little background on my expertise, I can tell you that I have worked as a sandwich maker, toilet cleaner, health food store personnel manager and plastic surgery practice manager.

Amazingly enough, the plastic surgery patient has much in common with the health food store customer-- one wants to stay young forever from the inside out, the other from the outside in. Both are pretty crabby as a result.

As for the lesson to take from being a sandwich maker and toilet cleaner? Since it was the same job, I can tell you this: disgruntled minimum-wage earners rarely wash their hands.

That said, let's dive in to today's lessons, shall we?

1. Keep a straight face.

I learned this my first day of training in customer service at Kinney Drugs when I was 16 years old. An impossibly wizened old man appeared, slapped a pack of condoms on the counter and gave me a sly grin that still held a mossy tooth or two.

The woman training me actually dropped to her knees under the counter, shaking with laughter. I rang him up and got him "a pack of them Pell Mells," as he put it. I never cracked a smile, but I did correct his pronunciation. I don't think he cared.

2. Anticipate stupid questions.

Patient before plastic surgery: "Will I sleep until I wake up?"
Answer: "Yes, what will happen is you're sleeping, you're sleeping, then, boom, you're awake."

Customer at health food store: "Do you sell organic chicken?"
Answer: "Actually, all chicken is organic. We don't sell cyborg chickens here."
(Hah! That one was a trap. Were you paying attention? The correct answer is "yes.")

3. Be prepared with helpful advice.

At the health food store's vitamin counter, customers came to me with questions regarding their digestive health. Apparently, this had become an issue requiring attention although colons had been chugging along with no need for heroic measures for quite a long time.

One of these concerns had to do with toxins accumulating if a person's bowels were not evacuating at a healthy rate. I mulled this over and found the perfect answer for those wanting to observe their own 'intestinal transit time': "Eat some corn."

This always stopped customers in their tracks, perhaps because it reminded them of exactly what they were seriously discussing with a relative stranger, or perhaps because it was an ingenious idea. Either way, I think I helped a lot of people.

4. Remain professional at all times.

At the store, I interviewed an applicant for a promising career in the produce section. At first, I was put off by his t-shirt depicting a naked woman bound and stretched over a large wheel. Perhaps he hadn't planned his wardrobe and had just spontaneously walked in to apply. Then I saw the button pinned to the shirt: "I wouldn't fuck her with your dick."

It seemed imprudent of this young man not to survey himself prior to entering the store and realize that it might be a good idea to take the button off and put it in his pocket for the duration of his interview. I'm all for freedom of expression, so I finished speaking with him and ushered him out the door telling him we would call if he got the job.

A few days later, he showed up yelling that he couldn't understand why we still had an ad in the paper. As customers gathered, I tried to explain that "this is how interviews work. Some people get the job and some people don't. It's not automatic." Our security guard helped him exit as he called me some names.

I consider this a failure on my part. I was unable to educate him about the process. The story does have a happy ending; a few weeks later, I saw him handing out flyers. I was gratified that he'd found a job and I quickly crossed the street.

5. Know when it's time to leave.

At some point, it will dawn on you that now might be the time to look for another line of work.

At the plastic surgeon's office, it came when I collected payment from a man scheduled to have liposuction. As he left, he said, "I feel lighter already!" to which I responded, "That's just your wallet!"

At the health food store, it came when I toyed with the idea of making a t-shirt that summed up my feelings quite nicely: Get laid and eat a cheeseburger, you pasty-faced maggots! It has a certain ring to it, don't you think?

Class dismissed.