Woohoo! I'm on Intrepid Tuesday!

I am really honored that my post Twitter Tragedy: A Cry for Help Unheard is being featured on Intrepid Tuesday over at Five Star Friday.

Five Star Friday allows bloggers to submit one of their own posts for its new Intrepid Tuesday edition. Bloggers submit others' worthy writing for its Friday edition. This week, I submitted Tits Absurd by the Authoring Auctioneer. Trust me, you need to read it!

I'm glad Twitter Tragedy made the cut. I've always been proud of that piece, even though I took a bit of flak from people who thought it was a real news item. If you haven't seen it yet, check it out. And you'll find plenty of other blogs at Five Star Friday.

Related post:
Twitter Tragedy: A Cry for Help Unheard

This is a very real threat to our values

Not to put too fine a point on this, but...

...holy sheep shit!

Open for Business!

I guess it was inevitable that I would start another t-shirt shop. My last attempt, Cruel but Just, is still open and having a closeout sale. Since this is the first time I've mentioned it anywhere, there have been no sales. This is despite my sound business decision to go with a high-quality preprinting and embroidery service and investing money in stock. So I have twenty "Life sucks. Get a helmet." baseball hats in my apartment.

This time, I thought it prudent to forgo any significant outlay of cash. In return, any hypothetical customers of the Magick Sandwich Shirt City store can customize their shirts (or stickers or mousepads)themselves. Oh, and I'm telling people about it. I don't expect to make a bunch of money on this, since the company I'm using charges a lot for their basic wares in my humble opinion. But who wants a scratchy t-shirt, right?

I wasn't planning to write a post about it, but then I found this little moose toy. Once I thought of what to write on it, I wanted to share it.






*Isn't it cute? I want to buy one myself, which defeats the purpose of this whole enterprise. (I have always been my own best customer.) At least I didn't have to preorder them: I don't want to be sitting in my living room three years from now staring at a bag full of moose.

Sandwich Fixins

It's that time again, when I've got lots of filler but nothing truly post-worthy. So here it is, another serving of fixins!

*****

I think Rudy Giuliani should buy a Porsche so he can say, "Hi, I'm Rudy and this is my 9-11." It would give him one more way to bring up his favorite topic.

Addendum: Why hasn't anybody protested that Porsche change the name of that model out of respect for the victims? Someone should get on that right away.

*****

T-shirt idea:

Front:
Don't hate me for drinking bottled water.

Back:
Hate me for selling crack to your kids.

*****

President Palin: Yeah, you know McCain's going to win and after some face-melting cancer, we'll end up with the gerund-dropping vagina minder in office. I think when it happens we should swap out the Oval Office for the set of Hee Haw. It'll make her presidential addresses seem more authentic. Of course, those Hee Haw guys would do a much better job.

*****

The Wall Street bailout isn't so strange. Millions of people use something every day to try for a bailout: it's called a lottery ticket. It's said that a person is more likely to be struck by lightning than to win the lottery. With the state of the world, getting hit by lightning might not be such a bad thing. I've tried standing with my ticket in a tin foil hat in the middle of a thunderstorm but that hasn't worked, either. I guess I have no luck at all.

*****

Well, that's all for today, boys and girls. I've got to get back on eBay and bid on more Lehman Brothers stuff.



Looks like I'm gonna need it.


Related Posts:
Sandwich Fixins -- August 2008
Sandwich Fixins -- July 2008

Vote Republican!

My Grandiosity is Rewarded!

I've won some awards and I'm not sure how to broach the subject. I'm thinking of Sally Field's Oscar speech back in 1985. Yeah, it was twenty-three years ago that she said "you like me" and we've never let her live it down since. So I'll keep this brief and focus on just one for now.

Don of Beyond Left Field has awarded me the distinction of the Hell Award for Evilness. Thank you, kind sir.

In fulfillment of my duties as queen, I shall travel the world geeking chickens and spreading penile acne. Upon my triumphal return, I shall commemorate my reign by digging up Levi McConnaughey's placenta and and eating it scrambled on toast.

But this title is not just about fun. As the standard-bearer for evilness, I am tasked with the selection of three (3) worthy recipients. If I should fall, they must carry on and repopulate the earth with evil clowns. (Oops, I jumped forward, didn't I? I skipped the Armageddon part. Oh well, better for you to find out on your own.)

Henceforth to be known as my evil consort:

Qelqoth, who boasts his own cult, and whose Gacy's Profile Goes Viral concerns an evil clown.
Moooooog35 of Mental Poo,who gives invaluable counsel in Dear Moog, My Boyfriend Smokes Sausage.
Angry Clown, who writes Fix the world, not likely with an anger which beneath the greasepaint must look like...well, anger.

I know you originated this award, AC, but I can't think of a more fitting recipient. Really, I can't. You're the original.

America's Funniest Home Schooling

These kids disobeyed their dad and watched a horror movie. Afterward, they were so scared that they went to sleep in the same bed with all the lights on.

This is how their parents punished them.



Remember this the next time you're complaining about your childhood.

I've got nothing to say...

but it's okay: good morning, good morning, good morning!(If you don't get that reference, you're too young.)

While we all sit around waiting for something funny to happen, please go read This is Your Nation on White Privilege now. Seriously. I've asked you nicely.

Still not Funny

Salvation Followup: O God, I'm Coming!

I guess the folks at Global Media Outreach feel that even a poor sinner like K. Beelzebub who demands cake in exchange for prayer is worthy of salvation. They're going to give it a try.

Perhaps I will inadvertently convert some of my fellow heathens by sharing part of this "devotional" entitled Day 2: BEGINNING THE JOURNEY.

What can I expect on my journey?
Years ago, when our family would set out on a long car trip, we would be only a few miles down the road when one of our then small children would ask, "Daddy, are we there yet?"

On this trip, boys and girls you're not "there" until you die. So if Daddy drives off a cliff--yay! There'll be Smarties and Pixi Stix for everyone...and no tummy ache! Until then, the grim march of life continues, with filthy reststops and no WetNaps to clean strangers' E. coli off the doorknobs.

Satan's tactic for the new believer is to pull you back from your newfound faith. He'll say: "This isn't real. You've just had an emotional experience." "You're going to lose all your friends." "Your fun days are over." It's a mental battle, and dealing with the adversary is a fact of your Christian life.

But I was becoming a Christian so I could get some friends. Those guys are as thick as locusts down here! And what "fun days" are they talking about? If I'd had any of those, I wouldn't have to wish for an afterlife, would I?

When Satan comes with doubts, fears and temptations, oppose him with words like these: "I am a child of God, redeemed from my old life by the Lord Jesus." Then pray for Jesus to help you. "Lord, help me through this battle."

To me, Satan is a fictional character and Jesus has been dead a long time. Wouldn't that be like asking Shakespeare to help me with my homework?

Remember: by coming to Jesus you have taken a major, life-transforming step -- one you will never regret!

As my hubby said to the Jehovah's Witnesses who used to knock on his door in Tulsa, "Jesus saves, but with Satan, no down payment, easy terms." I love that guy! My hubby, I mean, not Satan. Fictional character, remember? Satan, not my hubby. Christ! This could go on till Judgment Day, which according to The Terminator, already happened in the 90's. If that's true, I ask again: where is my cake?

Related post:
Salvation: Just an Email Away!

This Day in History

On September 8, 1966, Star Trek premiered on television.
This history nugget is brought to you by infoplease.com

Genius! Drown the Fly!

This is the work of a true genius! As a woman, I've considered putting a red target in the bowl. But that wouldn't work. Reverse psychology would have the guy trying to avoid it just to be a dick (pun unintended). The fly idea is perfect! The designer should win some sort of medal, like a gold urinal cake or something.

Just as an aside: I've always thought that if men shot guns with the same accuracy that they hit the bowl, they would run out of ammo before they killed anyone. No war!

Conversely, there would be lots of dead people but bathroom floors would be spotless. It's a win-win!

Man's Ambition Must Be Small...

to write upon a shithouse wall.

Humor Bloggers Prime Directive

The powers that be (or bee) at the Humor Bloggers blog have decreed that every blogger should be required to post a photo of a half-naked man. Who am I to question their wisdom?

Unfortunately for everyone involved, this is the one I chose.



I don't even care that I'm inadvertently advertising a bingo website--it's a man suckling a baby, people! Who can resist that?

Salvation: Just an Email Away!

Don of Beyond Left Field wrote an excellent article called How I Struck Out Jesus, which, fair warning, he linked to a blasphemous dressup site. A coincidental benefit, if there is such a thing as coincidence, was Google Adsense's moronic ad placement, which stated "This Prayer Can Change Your Life" on the page with Don's savior smackdown.

I clicked on it and was directed to jesus2020.com, home of Global Media Outreach. I also had an opportunity to click on the "4 Steps to God" but that just felt like too much work. By the way, does that mean Jesus is coming in 2020? Again, I didn't feel like looking it up but I'd like to be prepared, in a wear-clean-underwear-in-case-of-Rapture kind of way.

I scrolled to the bottom of the page, where I was asked if I'd read the prayer.Since I saw no consequence in lying (cue thunder), I clicked on the big YES. Here's what I saw:



I've been too busy rejecting the possibility of an all-powerful being to learn how to do a proper screenshot, so I'm sorry if the image is too small. Click on the image to enlarge or possibly go directly to Hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

I had a hard time deciding whether I was choosing Christ or recommitting myself to Him. It's been a long time since I taught Sunday school--no one was confirmed that year--but I've recently become uncomfortable sporting my "I gave myself to Jesus but now he never calls" t-shirt in public. Christians wear crosses as a symbol of their belief. I just happen to wear nasty t-shirts as mine.

I filled out the form and got a quick reply. Of course! If the logistical problem of listening to billions of sniveling prayers for such luxuries as iPhones or clean water doesn't bother God, why should it be a problem for an internet-savvy cyber-church?

Here's the email I received.

Kathcom,

This is to confirm that we have received your request for personal assistance. Please do not reply to this e-mail.
You should receive a personal response by e-mail within the next several business days.

Sincerely,
Response Centers staff

P.S. Your Question/Comment was:
I said the prayer. Where's my cake?

I'll keep you posted. My eternal damnation may be riding on my email provider. Yes, I'm an atheist. But just in case Pascal was right, I don't want to be standing around holding my johnson saying, "Oh, shit".

Okay, so I don't have a johnson. But trust me, if I did, I might as well be holding it if Jesus shows up.

More Jesus juice:
Have Your Cake and Eat Me, too!
It's a good thing....

It's a good thing....

Hubby sent me this via email this morning.


It seems like everyone's getting into the faux-motivational poster groove lately. You can do it yourself, if you're so inclined, at Big Huge Labs. (I learned about that site from Mental Poo. He's done some great ones!) Of course, my favorite is the granddaddy of them all, Despair Inc., supplier for all your demotivational needs. Check out the blog where they make fun of offended people. They're having a sale, too!

But I digress. Hubby, you know I'm not one to be outdone. So I see you and I raise you this, courtesy of Bill at I Animate You:



It's a good thing I'm fairly certain there is no God....

One More Outlet for Your Creativity

There's this great greeting card site called someecards.com. Okay, so I stole the idea from Jason, who showcased his favorites at GorillaSushi. I spent some glorious, solitary hours poring over the cards there and maniacally sending them to friends and family, most of whom I communicate with solely through email.

Then I realized I could create my own perfect greeting card. So I did. And so can you!

I wonder if my therapist is back from vacation yet....


Still more uses for your time:

My lolCat Can Kick Your lolCat's Ass!
Two Fun Time-Sucks for When You're Feeling Uninspired
The Stupid Baby Name Generator, Zuma Nesta Rock Paper Scissors Edition

We Have a Winner!

The polls have closed in The True Patriot caption contest, and the results are in. The finalists were all so good that I wanted to show them each as a proper caption. So we all get to see this photo three more times!

The winner is: Bill from I Animate You with this keen observation:

Another sign that the evolution of man is a work in progress.

********************


Coming in a very close second is John J. Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer:

Jimbo McNascar continues his slander of the Moran Clan, perpetuating a centuries long Irish feud that began on the Emerald Isle and bitterly rages on in the trailer parks of Alabama.

********************

And third, but first in my heart, is ettarose at the edge of sanity.

Yeah, I votid for Dan Quail. Whut abowt it?

********************

Bill, this means you are the very first winner of the soon-to-be-coveted
Magick Sandwich Award!

You've earned it, my friend! Display it with pride!
Not only did Bill accept the award, he also animated it!
I dare you to stop staring at that!

P.S. I had to add an Honorable Mention to Chris at The Lost News, who submitted his caption a little too late. It's just too funny to pass up. Here it is:


Before the love, put on the
glove...Because the stakes are too
high...TROJAN