This is my Brain on Blogs

We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by.

Interpretive Cats

Sisyphus comes to mind when I think of the task that Barack Obama faces when he takes office.

But this is the Internet. Why invoke a character from Greek mythology rolling a boulder up a hill when you can say it with cats?

Here's a feline representation of the perils that await our President-Elect.


Me-ow.

Funny Five Friday Part Two

It's time for another edition of Funny Five Friday. I started it before I knew of Five Star Friday. (Schmutzie is my hero for her work compiling great posts.) This is a little different in that I choose all the posts myself.

Go to Gorilla Sushi for its Backseat Caption Contest. Get your creative juices flowing and do your worst, or best, depending on how you look at it.

John J. Savo of the Authoring Auctioneer humbles me with his greatness. Tits Absurd and Oh, Brother Chair, Where art Thou? are two of my favorites.

Pwn Greenland (formerly Cult of Q) has election followup news with VH1 Greenlights 'Palin of Love', which is no longer available owing to his getting his site hijacked by some prick.

VE's Fantastical Nonsense gives us The Gateway, a grim reminder that drug use can lead to ride-pimping.

The Onion does it again with Nation Finally Shitty Enough to Make Social Progress.

Go to humorbloggers.com and humor-blogs.com to find more funniness. Happy reading and have a great weekend!

Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job

From the Onion:

WASHINGTON—African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected president of the United States of America. In his new high-stress, low-reward position, Obama will be charged with such tasks as completely overhauling the nation's broken-down economy, repairing the crumbling infrastructure, and generally having to please more than 300 million Americans and cater to their every whim on a daily basis. As part of his duties, the black man will have to spend four to eight years cleaning up the messes other people left behind. The job comes with such intense scrutiny and so certain a guarantee of failure that only one other person even bothered applying for it. Said scholar and activist Mark L. Denton, "It just goes to show you that, in this country, a black man still can't catch a break."

Gone Voting

Quotes of the Day

Kurt Andersen, in New York magazine, on the economy:

Reaganism—the utter devotion to deregulation and hypercapitalism, the unbending antipathy to the federal government, American power as nothing but cheerful bullying—is over. We all enjoyed playing cowboy until too many of us fell off our horses or got shot.

Christopher Buckley, to John Heilemann in New York magazine, on McCain's VP selection:

I will readily confess that I was one of many who swooned the day after the announcement. But it’s kind of like dating a supermodel. There comes a moment, unfortunately, where they start talking.

And my personal favorite, Betty White to Craig Ferguson on Sarah Palin:

That is one crazy bitch!

There's nothing like a foul-mouthed old lady to make me forget my troubles. If McCain wins, I'm going to ask her to move in with me!

Too Funny for K-Mart

This guy is a true performance artist! He's hilarious--the kind of guy friends live vicariously through, but breathe a sigh of relief when he goes home. And at home is his poor wife, who probably doesn't realize what a favor her husband's done in getting her banned from K-Mart. With the right meds, he could be a real catch.

I remember switching people's carts at the supermarket when I was a teenager. I also had a penchant for stealing "Shoplifters will be Prosecuted" signs; I still do but it's tempered by the fear of getting caught.

More recently, I placed nude photos of women in random spots at the Salt Lake City airport. It really offended me that the magazine stands felt the need to cover the chests of swimsuited women on its covers. So I just felt like shocking a few Mormons. Don't worry--it was tasteful nudity. Wouldn't want to poison young hearts and minds with the sight of a poorly-lit tit.

But I digress. What I really want to say is, Mr. Fenton, don't give up! Since that letter's from 2005, the K-Mart's probably long gone, swallowed up by Wal Mart. Between that, Costco, Target and Home Depot, you should be set for life. But remember--pace yourself. The world can only handle a little comedy at a time.

Straight from the Sucker Files: SNUS

Looking for a brand new outlet for your nicotine addiction? Camel's got you covered. It's got an old nag dressed up like a new pony and it's called SNUS.
What is this product? It's a fine moist tobacco that you place beneath your upper lip. It comes in packets so there'll be no telltale tobacco leaves stuck between your expensive veneers. There's no need to spit, so no one will know you're dipping at your nephew's bar mitzvah. And no worries about spilling your spit cup on the center console of your Mercedes. It's like a Christmas miracle!

As Judge Judy said, "Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining." I remember something like this: it's called Skoal.
A friend of mine got caught by his dad once, who forced him to swallow it. The projectile vomiting cured him of the habit. I tried it myself a few times. I wanted to be the tough girl who'd pack in a chew, but it tasted like ass and I couldn't learn to spit without dribbling the juice down my shirt. Mouth cancer wasn't even a consideration.

Maybe Camel could do a tie-in with that other timeless classic: the forty.
But I don't think that would play to the demographic they're going for now. SNUS has been sold in Nordic countries like Greenland for years. Now Camel is test-marketing it in the U.S. I'm not naive; I know they don't really care who their end-users are. They're equal opportunity death-dealers. Their mission is simple: to create more addicts to replace the ones they've already killed. There'll be a whole new generation hopelessly devoted to chew.

More suckers:
Straight from the Sucker Files: The Q-Link