Do you wake up with a wreath of methane hanging around your head from your significant other's flatus following a Taco Bell bender the night before?
Are you oxygen-deprived by the fart machine who works in the next cubicle?
Do you enjoy emitting the foul, gaseous issue of your rectum in public but rue the accusing stares in the elevator?
Well, thank your lucky stars that there is a product for the sphincter-control challenged: it's called Flat-D.
Though it may sound like Diddy's latest name change, it is actually a discreet charcoal filter that you secure to your underwear before going out on the town for a night of unbridled passing. You can view the how-to video here.
Imagine the joy of blowing a broccoli fart while being reprimanded by your boss. It'll really take the edge off and he'll never know what triggered his migraine.
There is one caveat for the guys: this male maxi-pad will not work in boxer shorts, which do not cling tightly enough to your exhaust portal for the fart filter to be effective. So switch to tighty whiteys or face the grim task of actually holding it in.
The company does make a charcoal chair pad but you may need to practice getting your farts to blow straight down into the pad. An errant squeaker squirting up twixt the ass cheeks can be hard to disown.
Luckily, Flat-D Innovations hasn't forgotten the ladies. If you prefer to outgas in sexy underwear, the Thong-D is for you!
And best of all, it's 100% guaranteed. Believe it or not, if you are unsatisfied, you can return the nasty thing with your farts locked inside for a full refund.
But please be kind and seal it well before mailing; you don't want to knock out the UPS guy who inadvertently gives it a squeeze and releases its stench like smelly minions from Satan's couch cushion.
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15 COMMENTS-POST YOURS HERE:
I want one for my husband!
@Pamela: It's about time for guys to know what it feels like to wear a maxipad!
I'm getting one but just to cover my wife's nose with. No sense robbing me of one my few remaining pleasures.
@Douglas: You, sir, are a true innovator.
I don't see how any product that claims to mask your death farts can be 100% guaranteed. At least not without some form of insertion.
My word ver. is "fumes" -- awesome!
LMAO @ "An errant squeaker squirting up twixt the ass cheeks can be hard to disown."
Stumbled.
@Jay: I agree. The fart must blow directly into the charcoal filter to be trapped, leaving no smelly afterburn in interstitial space.
@John: That was one of my favorite lines, too. I'm so glad you noticed it. Thanks for the Stumble!
Well there goes my breakfast lunch and dinner!
That was hilarious and now that we’re approaching father’s day, I’m sure my mother in law would appreciate it!
But does it at as a noise muffler as well? Not all exhaust emissions are "silent but deadly"...
Excellent idea! Unfortunately, I never fart because it's rude. Nor have I ever burped so shoving one down my throat is of no use. Sad, but I'll wish those who can use it the best. After all, farting melts icebergs starts forest fires...
@Bee: Father's Day: what a great gift idea!
@Herman: No, it's not a muffler. My best advice would be to create a diversion by banging pots and pans together. This could be a problem at work....
@Don: This product is not for you. You are the perfect gentleman.
I believe what you're describing is the butterfly effect.
Ha!....at first glance I thought it was some undies to bend back a man's unit...like Buffalo Bill liked to do in Silence of the Lambs...
@Chris: Your mind is in the gutter. I like that.
Do they make one for dogs?
@Tiggy: If they don't, they should. We should contact the Flat-D think tank immediamente.
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