Cinco de Mayo, swine flu and Susan Boyle cannot dampen my spirits on this, the anniversary of the birth of Magick Sandwich. I can hardly believe it's been a whole year. To celebrate, I thought I would trot out an old post from May '08. It was a lonely time of sincere effort and little notice.
I like my post about how Bill O'Reilly Cures Depression for its links to truly mood-lifting sites and felt a thrill writing Reduce Your Carbon Footprint-Don't Breed! until I realized no one had read it. Best Suicide Note Ever is just that.
But the post that still gets hits a year later is my piece about Louise Hay. It seems that Googlers who feel the need for her advice are searching her name +warts, +tinnitus, +tapeworm, etc. Even the person who Googled "i am a stupid bitch" got sent here. (The reason becomes clear in the Comments section.)
So without further ado, I cough up, like a year-old hairball:
I admit that I've whored around the Self-Help section of life's cosmic bookstore, looking for answers. But since perfectionism can lead to procrastination, I stopped. Serial killers tend to have high self-esteem, too, but I found that out in the Psychology section, Self-Help's educated relative a few shelves down.
But there's one old mindfuck that keeps coming back and chafing my brain like a mental herpes sore. Her name is Louise Hay. I bought her book, You Can Heal Your Life, in the late 1980's. (Hey, the Eighties were a bad time for a lot of us- don't judge me.) Among other things, she said that we choose our parents before we're born. Don't consider the logistics of that for too long or your head may explode. We also mentally cause all of our own physical problems and can cure them with a little affirmation. My cat puked on the bookcover. Was he trying to tell me something? In Louise Hay's universe, maybe. I loathed that book. It sold millions.
Now I see that she has a new book. From the look of her website photo, she invested my $12.99 in bad plastic surgery. Affirmations can't cure that any more than she can wish back her shit-canned facial skin. Since I won't be contributing to the sales of her new book, I thought it would be fair to share some thoughts from her first one. (I ripped off the cover and kept it. God, I miss that puke stain.) Here are a few of Louise Hay's diagnoses for mental causes of physical problems.
Warts: "Little expressions of hate. Belief in ugliness."Of course, I don't want to spoil the ending for you by writing down Ms. Hay's cures. But I must make one exception. If you or anyone you know is currently suffering from gangrene ("Mental morbidity. Drowning of joy with poisonous thoughts") apply this information immediately: I now choose harmonious thoughts and let the joy flow freely through me. Repeat this new thought pattern to yourself several times.Assume that you are already in the process of healing.
Tinnitus: "Refusal to listen.Not hearing the inner voice. Stubbornness."
Multiple Sclerosis: "Mental hardness, hard-heartedness, iron will, inflexibility. Fear."
Ingrown Toenail: "Worry and guilt about your right to move forward."
Tapeworm: "Strong belief in being a victim and unclean. Helpless to the seeming attitudes of others."
Please, Ms. Hay, forgive me for using your sacred text! I feel it is my duty to pass on your healing message! Sufferers must be free from the bondage of Western medicine and learn that they have only themselves to blame! They must think, think, think their way to health. (Oh, and they must buy your books,too. But Ms. Hay, since you gave us all the tools in the first one, why did you need to write another? Have you been holding out on us?)
Please remember, dear reader, if the snake oil you're drinking tastes bitter, maybe you're just not drinking the right brand!
N.B. I'm working on a project of my own: If We All Concentrate, We Can Give This Charlatan Bitch Cancer.
********This would be no fun without the Comments Section, reproduced here********
You are so negative you probably have halitosis. And live a miserable life.
Do you really want to wish cancer on someone? A cancer survivor at that?
You are a stupid bitch.
Thank you, Anonymous, for your insightful analysis.
A key point here is that I don't actually believe that I can wish a disease on anyone any more than I believe that I can cause my own. Do you?
BTW, how did you know that "I am a stupid bitch" is my daily affirmation? You must be psychic!
Thanks for sharing.
Since I am someone whose life has been incredible affected by Louise Hays teachings I would say that there is definetly a psyco emotional connection to all dis-easse...
That you don't want to hear what is being said does not mean that it isn't so... to see the connection would mean to have to look deep into the self and then to do some work...which is seems that you are not willing to do.
I work with many people and when they do look at the connections and see that there is some truth to what is being said - healing on a very large scale occurs...
and the fact that you would wish cancer on anyone says more about you than anything else...
om shanti
forgot to mention that I was diagnosed with lupus and asthma...both in Louise's book are about not wanting to live....
that was in 1990 I have been dis-ease free for the last 13 years and my doctor finally said that if she didn't have all my tests in front of her - she would say that I never had Lupus at all....and THEY...the medical field say it's not curable...
go figure
anonymous, I am very happy to hear that you no longer suffer from lupus and asthma. This is a wonderful thing, no matter what belief you ascribe to it.
You've made the assumption that I haven't looked deep inside of myself and done some work. You must think I'm riddled with disease.
Again, I am going to say that I do NOT believe that I can wish cancer on someone. It is wishful thinking as is apparently my wish for would-be mystics to understand the use of irony.
In any case, if in the future you come down with a cold or get a wart, I hope you will not feel that you have failed in your vigilant affirmations.
Since you use the "om" I assume you have done enough study to see that in certain philosophies "dis-ease" is seen as a natural part of life.
By the way, I know people who have lupus and asthma. I must go tell them that Louise Hay says they don't want to live and they need to be positive and say some affirmations. By your "reasoning" they should start feeling better, right?
Just as a side note: just as the placebo effect exists, so does spell-check. Please avail yourself of it for the good of all.
omg chancre
This poster appears to have suffered because of never reading Berne's Games People Play, It won't cure him/her but at least a little self awareness might help
A second reading of the original post gave me a clue to what this posters problem was....mental herpes? Had it checked? Mind Fuck? Sounds like a worrying aftermath of a bad night with a less than clean partner playing on your mind perhaps? Doctors can check for that, dont "self-help" it, ask one to take a look down below!
To Kathcom, care to test it?
You said "A key point here is that I don't actually believe that I can wish a disease on anyone any more than I believe that I can cause my own", want to pick a mild one? If so, try standing in front of the mirror for 30 straight days and tell yourself you look terrible, have a cold, droopy Rheumy eyes, flaccid skin, a down expression OUT LOUD, Just once a morning should do the trick...then let us all know in 30 days time please the outcome! Did it happen? I bet you never reply!
Dear Anonymous the Third:
How's this for a deal? I'll stand in front of a mirror and wish myself sick if you'll stand in front of your mirror and wish yourself smart.
Since it's cold and flu season anyway, which one of us has the better chance?