Today I declare my independence...from having to think of something new. A year ago, in desperate need of readers, I printed a copy of the following post and took it with me to a doctor's appointment.
Hey, everybody! Have you been struggling with what to get for those desperately unhappy people in your life? Why wait for an official holiday? (After all, they could be dead by then.) Sad, lonely people are grateful for the smallest gesture and may even feel a flicker of hope before their inexorable fall back into the bottomless pit of despair. Kudos to you, gift-giver!
What about a gift for that friend who is teetering on the edge, who hasn't fully submitted to dejection? The folks over at despair.com can help. They have a whole range of products that drive home the laughable futility of hope.
Finally, here's an honest fashion statement from our good friend Archie McPhee. Every time your loved one looks at his pristine wrist, he will be reminded of your generosity and his true outlook on life. Hopefully, it will at least get that yellow One Balled Bicyclist band off him for good! Just make sure it's taken off before cremation-- burning rubber is bad for the environment! Have a great day!
*****
My doctor loved this so much, he used it at in a speech to third year residents at a medical conference. In case you haven't guessed by now, that doctor was my shrink. I had surmised that if anyone could appreciate gallows humor, it would be a mental health professional.
It's a valuable thing to know one's audience, even the cheap, thieving variety. I'm not loony enough to want personal credit, but would a discounted visit kill the guy? (Then again, I could have a substantial fan base of giddily sleep-deprived doctors by now. Damn.)
I still print out my posts for him to read--on my dime, so who's the bozo?--and he recently said I should do stand-up. If I were ballsy enough to get up in front of a live audience and perform, what would I need him for? And if laughter is the best medicine, why do I need him at all?
It's a valuable thing to know one's audience, even the cheap, thieving variety. I'm not loony enough to want personal credit, but would a discounted visit kill the guy? (Then again, I could have a substantial fan base of giddily sleep-deprived doctors by now. Damn.)
I still print out my posts for him to read--on my dime, so who's the bozo?--and he recently said I should do stand-up. If I were ballsy enough to get up in front of a live audience and perform, what would I need him for? And if laughter is the best medicine, why do I need him at all?
***Update: Archie McPhee has discontinued its Bleak Wristband series. Might I suggest the Bad Attitude or Seven Deadly Sins bands instead?***
More sound advice:
How to Piss Off a Vegan
9 Ways to Prevent Your Own Valentine's Day Massacre
5 Comments; Click here to comment.:
It's kind of funny that they gave up making apathy bracelets.
Is it strange that I just happen to be listening to the Pixies song "Debaser" as I read this post?
I'll take all three bracelets and two coffee mugs, and do you have anything for the REALLY depressed people who have to live in Floruba for a whole freaking damn YEAR?
These are GREAT gift ideas!!!
If the recipients weren't depressed enough to be suicidal before receiving them, then here's to pushing them over the edge!
@Jay: It is totally funny and also sad since we'll never see an end to those one ball Live Strong ones. Testicular cancer--one of the most curable cancers in the world. What's next--a chlamydia bracelet?
@Herman: Is it strange that I don't know who the Pixies are, but I'm totally gonna buy that album now?
@dana: I've been meaning to ask why you moved to God's Waiting Room....
@Static- I think they're great, too. I think there should be a line of greeting cards to go with them --When You Care Enough to Say "Jump".
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