8/19/2009

Stupid Baby Names, Part Duh


At Magick Sandwich, we've been amassing new baby names since our stupid baby name generator featuring Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale posted a year ago.

First up is Bronx Mowgli Wentz, son of soon-to-be split Fall Out Boy Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz. (How do I know they'll divorce? I'm psychic.)

As Us Weekly reported at the time,

Don't look for any deep reason the Texas-born Simpson-Wentz and her Illinois-bred husband opted to give son Bronx the same name as an NYC borough. "I think they just thought it was a strong name," a source tells Us. "I doubt they've been to the Bronx."

Their choice of Mowgli for the baby's middle name? It shows "they're huge Disney fans."

So here's the formula:

#1. Pick a borough of New York City. No cheating from the bridge and tunnel crowd--you know who you are.

#2. Pick your favorite children's story character. To make it a little more interesting, it can also be a character from an animated film, a Broadway play, or the name of a company that feasts on parents' wallets by marketing action figures and toy tie-ins. (But please, no Ewoks or Happy Meals. You need to give your child a fighting chance to live to adulthood.)

Here are a few of mine:
Staten Island Pixar
Brooklyn Paddington Bear
Manhattan Shrek

I actually like those. It almost makes me want to have children. Almost.

Speaking of which, there are already many tots in the world struggling under retarded monikers. Since we have a lot of catching up to do and many of these incredibly stupid baby names conform to no formula, I will have to list them and let them inspire you to come up with your own free style concoctions.

In the "I'm with the band" category:

Bandit Lee Way, son of Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance. I'm guessing Dad is a Burt Reynolds fan.

Ikhyd Bronfman, son of Mathangi Maya Arulpragasam and Benjamin Bronfman. No wonder Mathangi prefers to go by her rap name, M.I.A.

Mars joins brother Seven and sister Puma in Erykah Badu's clan. Mars is kind of cool, but the baby is a girl. Since her daddy is Jay Electronica, is she Mars Electronica or Mars Badu or Mars Badu-Electronica? That must make for an interesting birth certificate.

Now for celebrities trying to prove they're imaginative by saddling their children with silly names:

Java Kumala, daughter of Josh Holloway of Lost. It's kind of cute. I can't wait for Starbucks to name a coffee in her honor.

Huckleberry, son of Bear Grylls of Man vs.Wild. With a dad named Bear, what did you expect? At least they used a boy's name. Maybe Bear is a fan of Mark Twain. I'm glad he didn't pick something from Dr. Seuss. Grinch Grylls would have been a little much.

Banjo Patrick, 5, might be a little jealous of his new little sister. His parents, Rachel Griffiths and Andrew Taylor, named her Clementine Grace. Lucky girl!

Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha, daughter of Lilakoi Moon, a.k.a Lisa Bonet. Perhaps Mommy is using an incantation in which the more letters she uses, the better her chances of conjuring up a career.

I've saved the best for last. As we all know, Matthew McConaughey is a celebrity, blessed with more looks than brains. One thing is certain: he's lucky his mother wasn't on peyote when she named him as she might well have been when she named his brother Rooster. Now Rooster has continued the family tradition by naming his son Miller Lyte. You just can't make this shit up.

Start the therapy fund now, folks.

P.S. Wow! I can't believe I almost forgot to include Adolf Hitler Campbell, 3, son of New Jersey native and Holocaust denier Heath Campbell. Adolf's younger siblings are JoyceLynn Aryan Nation, 2, and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie, 1, named for Heinrich Himmler.

His parents complain that the local Shop Rite refused to make a birthday cake with "Adolf Hitler" on it. According to a local news article,

The grocer offered to make a cake with enough room for the Campbells to write their own inscription. But the Campbells refused, saying they would have a cake made at the Wal-Mart in Lower Nazareth Township. The Campbells say Wal-Mart made cakes for Adolf's first two birthdays....
Wal-Mart may have saved the little tyke's birthday but methinks I spy trouble ahead. Of course, they could always home school the kids. Yeah, that would solve the problem.

Related post:
The Stupid Baby Name Generator, or Zuma Nesta Rock Paper Scissors: Home Edition

22 comments:

  1. I like unusual names for kids. When we were picking out our daughter's name, I wanted something that no one had but settled for one that very few other kids would have...like the Jennifers, Lisas and Debbies of my high school days or the Megans, Emilys and Laurens of today. My husband picked out boring cookie cutter names so we compromised in the middle. Imagine your teacher calling your first name and six hands go up. Celebrities try even harder. I just can't imagine Frank Zappa's kids with names like Tom, Dick or Harry, Mary, Susan or Jane.

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  2. A child's name isn't like a vanity plate. He or she will have to live with it forever unless it's legally changed.

    To me, Frank Zappa's kids are the exception that proves the rule. The kids are smart and cool and live up to their names. The Zappas are originals in a world of cheap imitations.

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  3. I've got mine ready. Hoboken Pumba McDad.

    I no Hoboken is not NYC, but I lived there way back when so screw the rules, I'm doing it.

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  4. You totally made up Ikhyd Bronfman didn't you? It sounds like a rare breathing disorder...

    Or something Triumph the amazing insult comic dog would say...

    I joke, I joke, Ikhyd, Ikhyd!

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  5. @kathcom: I agree on the white supremacists' children. You added the P.S. after I posted my first comment. They will face hatred their entire life and will likely change their names as adults or worse...they'll grow into those names. However, the more benign but unusual names like "Apple" and "Bronx" will make those names their own, like the Zappa kids did. I guess I'm backwards because I named my REAL "vanity plate" (I prefer the term personalized plate.) after my child, not the other way around.

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  6. @Mitch McDad: Good for you. I shouldn't have made it a rule. And I like it.

    @SiteInsights: I can totally hear Triumph saying that but yes, it is a real name. I find there's no need to make up stuff when the world is a buffet of weirdness.

    @Pamela: This is a humor piece. I'm sorry if it isn't funny to you. I wish no ill on children no matter their names. You don't need to so earnestly defend "Apple" or "Bronx" as if this is a serious topic. And I honestly don't care if you call it a personalized plate or a vanity plate. All is vanity. Lighten up.

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  7. The wife and I are expecting our first baby in February. Thanks to your post, I've decided on "Fantasia Cats Xerox" (if it's a girl), or "Simba Rent StarWars" (if it's a boy).

    *Whew* Thanks Kathcom. That's one less thing I have to worry about...

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  8. Congrats, Herman! I hope you have twins so you can use both names at once. They're both oddly beautiful!

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  9. No celebrity name will ever shock me again after learning that Jason Lee named his son "Pilot Inspektor".

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  10. @Jennifer. Yep, that one is pretty bad. It makes you reevaluate him as a person, doesn't it?

    I remember being in Duane Reade a while ago and a woman was yelling, "Charmin! Charmin!" At first I thought she was expecting the toilet tissue to answer her. Then I realized she was calling her daughter.

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  11. ...for the boroughs...nobody ever chooses Queens (or Manhattan for that matter)

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  12. @thesharkguys: You're right. Manny Pacquiao named his daughter Queen Elizabeth. I guess that's going to have to be close enough.

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  13. I have 3 kids, 2 of which are girls and the middle one a boy. I thought his father and I had picked a pretty good name for him, but alas, we were wrong. His friends in school have nick-named him Double Dick because of the name we gave him. The name you ask, well, none other than Richard Thomas after his father and my grandfather. It also hadn't occured to me that that is also the name of the guy who played "John Boy" from "The Waltons". My poor poor son!

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  14. @Skye: You picked a fine name for your son. Kids are always going to find some way to pick on other kids. I don't understand the Double part, though. Is your last name Richards?

    Is there anyone that young who remembers The Waltons? A name like Richard Thomas should be the worst thing your son ever suffers from. Dick jokes are de rigeur for the Beavis and Buttheads of the world, and a rite of passage. He's going to be just fine!

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  15. Puma is a cat name. In fact, it's my cat's name. My only disagreement is the Huckleberry comment. I'm crazy enough to name a boy of mine Huck... but only because Finn is my hero. But it'd be a middle name, so he could have the option of not being called Huck.

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  16. @Sarah: I agree that Huck is cool an it's a great idea to have it be a middle name. Maybe just make it Huck instead of the full name, so he can avoid Dingleberry, Hucklefairy etc. He'll still have to deal with Suck etc but who doesn't?

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  17. Actually a Brittish term for penis is Thomas or Johnson, Dick is short for Richard and is also a term used to refer to that part of the anatomy, hense the "double" part. He always responds by saying "having 2 dicks is better than just one!" which I find to be rather rude, but it does stop the teasing!

    As for the Walton's part, no, noone that age remembers them, at least I wouldn't think so. It's his aunts and uncles and grandparents (all on my side) that tease him with that. The kid is 15 years old and yeah, he'll be alright with the teasing. He's found good ways to get back at every person who insults his name. Quite frankly, he thinks it sounds rather regal and likes it! So, to all those that tease him, I say :P...lol

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  18. @Skye: Okay, now I understand the "double" part. And I applaud your son for his two dicks response--I don't quite want to picture that, but it's hilarious!

    As familial teasing goes, "Goodnight, John Boy" doesn't sound too bad. Not like sticking someone's hand in a pail of water. ;)

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  19. Why do some people have pet dogs/cats/goldfish with more sensible names than their children?

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  20. My mom gave me an uncommon name back in 1974, and I'm still mad at her for it. I spend all day on the phone spelling it and having to go through the usual litany of explaining where it came from, why mom decided on it, was it a family name, yada yada yada. I now avoid the whole inquisition simply by telling people, "Mom was on a lot of drugs back then." That's not true, but I don't have to deal with the questions anymore, or the stupid comments anymore, like, "Huh, that's a weird name."

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  21. Bronwyn: I think your name sounds interesting but I'd probably ask you about it if I met you. I have a "normal" name but I still get asked to spell it. Your response is the perfect way to deal with nosy people.

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