200th Post and Santa Caption Contest

It figures that I'd make it to my 200th post on Magick Sandwich and have run out of ideas...or pissed them away, like Ole Saint Nick here.

So after toiling away trying to come up with a caption for my holiday greeting-- draining the cane; golden showers; fictional incontinence; too much milk drunk to hold it to the North Pole; ha ha I said pole; up on the rooftop piss, piss, piss etc.-- I've decided to lay it in your lap.


Down a couple eggnogs and take a crack at this nut. I'd appreciate it. I know there's a good joke in there somewhere. I just can't find it. Happy New Year, everybody! And please remember not to piss in your own boots. It may warm up your feet at first but there's always a price to pay.

Great Gifts for Everyone on Your List!

It's that time of year again, when you're under a mountain of debt and Christmas calls on you to open your heart and your coffers one more time. Let Magick Sandwich help you dazzle your family and friends with the best, most thoughtful gifts of all. Then you can go back to dreaming of a bonus that will bail you out when your bills come due.

For your childless buddy who needs some days off:

"Businesses lose up to $4 billion annually to employee absenteeism due to childcare problems." --- The Welfare-to-Work Partnership

Is it fair that the rest of us should have to pick up the slack? Thanks to the makers of The Office Kid, the answer is a resounding NO! They say, "You'll soon find that exploiting the joys of parenthood has never been easier. With one simple kit, you can do as your coworkers do--make excuses, miss work and blame it all on your kid."

For your fashion-obsessed tween:

Cobbler to the stars Christian Louboutin has collaborated with Barbie to create this limited edition Cat Burglar Barbie. She comes with a collection of 4 red-soled Louboutins, including ankle boots, peep-toes and knee-high boots. Barbie comes with a stand and is presented in a brown designer-style box with a copy of Christian and Barbie's travel journal.

At $150, this is much cheaper than a real pair of Louboutin's sadistic five inch heels. Unfortunately, Cat Burglar Barbie is sold out at the moment. (I, for one, am dying to read her travel journal!) You can sign up on net-a-porter to find out when she's back in stock. And just to get a jump on next year's gift, maybe you'd better put the stripper pole on layaway.

For the kids' next sleepover:

The Tauntaun sleeping bag is a great way to introduce the little ones to the great Star Wars series...oh, who are we kidding? You want one for yourself! And the folks over at ThinkGeek know it because they've made it adult size.

The inside is printed to look like intestines and it comes with a lightsaber zipper pull so you can reenact Han Solo cutting it open--it's dead already so back off, PETA people--to save Luke Skywalker from freezing to death on the planet Hoth. Have "Luke" rip a Silent But Deadly fart so you can utter Han's famous line: "I thought they...smelled bad...on the outside."

For the friend fed up with the holiday:

This big bar of Pontius Pilate soap by Atypyk should have him washing his hands straight through to Easter.

Happy Holidays, everybody!

More gift ideas:
Great Gifts for Depressed Friends!
3 Great Gifts for Lonely Friends

Fun with Un

At Magick Sandwich, we like to have a little fun with prefixes every once in a while. Why should plain old nouns and verbs have all the fun?

Unbelievable: Here' a brain teaser for you. The initial report went like this: At 2:25 A.M., Tiger Woods was leaving his home when he ran into a hydrant with his SUV. It happened at low speed. The air bags didn't deploy. His wife broke the window with a golf club to free him. It doesn't take long to come up with this equation: Hasty departure in the middle of the night + wife in driveway swinging a golf club = trouble at home.

This should be a lesson in critical thinking. If the guy's own publicist is gagging on the story, you should think twice about it. (Because I must, let me get the obligatory golf-related joke out of the way. If Woods had been feeling more successful in his career, maybe he wouldn't have been putting on someone else's green. And his wife wouldn't have been aiming for a hole in one. I have more but they're even worse.)

Unspoken: Did you know that November 27th was the National Day of Listening? Me, neither. I guess everybody was too busy listening to be able to tell us. It's a day to appreciate the stories of your friends, family and others, to make time to hear them speak about their lives.

Next year, perhaps the organizers should plan ahead and tell us about it, so we'll know that, just like Mother's Day, Father's Day, Valentine's Day and so many others, there's just one day a year that we have to be aware of other peoples' importance and contributions to our lives. Now we're free to jabber on, be self-involved and thoughtless for the next year. Just mark your calendars: you wouldn't want to miss that one day of caring.

Unfriend has been chosen as Oxford English Dictionary's 2009 Word of the Year. Facebook must be so proud. The corrosion of our language continues apace.

Over the coming months, we should all submit entries for Oxford's 2010 Word of the Year.I've come up with a couple based on my viewing of A&E's Hoarders. (I watch it to feel better about my own housekeeping.) The subject, Augustine, had not one but two dead, dessicated cats squashed flat under the garbage in her living room. This is something I will never be able to "unsee" and now you cannot "unknow"-- come on, Oxford! If you're going to degrade the English language, the least you can do is let me help!

My Eavesdropping is Overheard in New York!

Yay, me! I am so excited that something I overheard at the zoo, that required no talent on my part other than transcription, made it onto one of my favorite sites, Overheard in New York. Mine's at the bottom but go ahead and enjoy all these shining examples of parenting in the Big Apple.

Stop Fighting This Instant or We Will Turn These Wednesday One-Liners Around and Go Home!
British tourist to misbehaving child: Do you want a smacked bottom now or the other thing when we get home?

--Central Park

Overheard by: birdw0rks

Mom to kid playing on shopping cart: You'd better stop that, or you're going to fall and crack your head, and I'm going to laugh, cuz I told you so.

--Grocery Store

Father to four-year-old son: Watch out, these people are trying to kill us.

--36th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: benny

Guy to son who is hesitant about seat in theater: If I had been this choosy with your mom, you wouldn't be here!

--Park Slope, Brooklyn

Mother to daughter: I don't want to hear about your hunger pangs right now. Now turn around and look at the sea lions.

--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: kathcom

via Overheard in New York, Dec 2, 2009

I NY!