9/20/2010

In Which the Obvious Becomes Too Painful to Ignore



 Paris Hilton should go to prison. Do you think that if you or I pled guilty to cocaine possession and lying to a police officer, we'd be walking away with probation? And such an outrageous lie, too. Forget about the part when she claimed it was a friend's stuff. I think most of us have used this excuse at one time or another.

But then she said she thought it was gum? Are you shitting me? Obviously, she hadn't had a snort lately or even her tiny coke-fueled brain could have come up with something better than that. Umm, I dunno...baking soda to keep her bag smelling fresh...baby powder to soothe her chafed cooch after going commando and dragging it across all those rich Corinthian leather seats...something? Anything?

(And did you see her reading her old jailhouse journal to Larry King? I think everyone who suffered through that interview deserves retribution. Might I suggest confinement to a dunk tank where citizens pay a dollar a ball to dunk her into a tank of her own cologne.)

Then there's Lindsay Lohan. Thank God we have Emma Stone, her talented doppelganger, to fill all our future Mean Girl needs. How many drug tests has Lindsay failed? What about the cute little F.U. on her fingernails when she was getting sentenced the first time? Of course she's taking this seriously.

Could we just take a little break from our national tea bagging dementia to consider why it is that celebrities do not serve their full (yet anemic) sentences? Overcrowding? I'd like to see one of us pull a DUI or flee a traffic accident and then get let out after 14 days due to crowding. "Oh, we have too many bad people in here! Let's let some out!"

In Lindsay's case, she didn't even fulfill her full stay at court-ordered post-prison rehab. She completed about a third. Hey, I'm sure she's all better now. See? US Weekly got a shot of her on her way into an AA meeting. Proof positive. I'm sure Lindsay is counting on this photo op to show the judge she's sorry she failed a drug test. Again. Maybe she'll have a more respectful manicure at the next hearing. Because this time she really gets it.

Personally, I think Lindsay is laboring under the delusion that she's Robert Downey Jr. when she's really Heidi Montag: a gruesome cautionary tale of what happens when the cameras are turned on and human beings become fodder for the 24 hour infotainment cycle.

I just may be onto something here. If celebrity comeuppance catches on, there will be even more to feed our television sets and satisfy our need for consequences. (Don't get uptight: I'm only talking about consequences for other people. Not us. Never us.) Then it will be in network programming executives' best interest to bring these photogenic felons to justice. Grab your cameras, FOX! This could be the most lucrative COPS episode ever!


8 comments:

  1. Here here!! I saw this on the news and about lost my breakfast!! Can we say...favoritism!!! What a bunch of hooey!!
    Hugs
    Sueann

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  2. Umm...sure...gum....sure, I buy that. Especially after reading how she stuffed cocaine and ecstasy into her...err...body...for an flight overseas.

    So yeah, gum. Honest mistake.

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  3. These people are so disillusioned to how society runs that they take it upon themselves to run amok, creating havoc where ever they must be 'seen'.

    Problem is, the media cares, because the people care. Why? I don't know. I just wish they'd go away. I have better things to take care of, like what that crazy Snooki is up to in Miami!

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  4. Sueann: Does anybody else see this crap as a cry for help. Nobody cares enough to shut them down.

    HermanTurnip: Is that why she got detained in Japan? I saw a headline but couldn't bring myself to read it. Maybe that's why no one wants to be Paris' New BFF--maybe she uses them as drug mules. Why would she use her own orifices? That's just stupid.

    R.W.Wells: This morning I saw something online about Lohan being drunk while she Tweeted that she was ready to take responsibility for her actions. That is weird in so many ways that I feel like I've entered a parallel universe!

    I like this week's cover of the Star or something, about Snooki beating anorexia. And how!

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  5. no shit! I understand that celebrities Do entertain us some of the time but how does that justify them getting sentences that are nothing more than a slap on the wrist? wtf? great post :o)

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  6. @Patricia, Naked Writer: Thanks. I hate to give them more attention but these girls have been shaped by our weird celebrity-obsessed culture.

    I read today that Lohan's bail has been revoked and she'll probably be in jail until her hearing in late October. I hope that she is forced to get help.

    A full stint in rehab would give her a long enough time for her smart-assed manicure to wear off and for her to wake up to the reality of addiction.

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  7. Hahaha! Amen to that. Great points you made here! Do you think Paris's cooch is really all chafed after going commando and dragging it across all those leather seats?

    I think I'll be bringing my bottle of Lysol wipes with me everywhere from now on.

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  8. celebrities get special treatment most of the time.

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