J.D. Salinger Dies, Takes Ugly Betty With Him

I just got a text message from the spousal unit:

News tidbits...J.D. Salinger died, and Ugly Betty canceled by ABC.

To which I replied:

Bummer to the first and who cares to the second.

J.D. Salinger wrote a tale of adolescent angst that should be required reading for everyone, angsty or not. Sylvia Plath's work doesn't stand up quite so well but she suffered and was eventually overwhelmed by the black dog of depression.

Salinger removed himself from the literary gene pool in a less violent way but still assured us that we would never be disappointed in him. Like Garbo, but much more talented, he wanted to be alone. I have a feeling there are people tearing through his effects right now, looking for something to publish, anything, an old shopping list or a note to his mailman.

On the other end of the spectrum, we have a television show centered around a sweet, unattractive girl bumbling her way through life in the big city. Recently, Betty has undergone a makeover, her Patricia Field-on-acid wardrobe toned down, her hair cut, eyebrows tweezed.

In its rush to present a pretty heroine, ABC forgot the real reason viewers were tuning out: the show stopped being funny. The family became selfish and whiny and Betty became more irritating in every episode. There's even a rumor that she will sleep with her boss this season. Gross! This was a humorous soap opera with no one vamping better than Vanessa Williams. Now it's become a dreary parody of itself.

Maybe there's something to be said for quitting while you're ahead.

My Problem with Twitter and Facebook

Do you ever feel like this?

Time spent on Twitter, especially, feels like death from a thousand cuts. Ideas dribble out 140 characters at a time and I have no energy left to flesh them out into something substantive...or at least minimally blog-worthy.

Social networks are fun and are a great way to keep in touch with friends and family. I've always been that kind of smart aleck who passed notes in class, so it feels familiar. Could it be that the convenience of sending friends the electronic equivalent is satisfying my need to write on some level?

I certainly don't feel satisfied, but I don't feel the urge to write a whole piece. I always have the feeling that I can never catch up with my friends on Facebook or read all the blogs I follow on Google Reader. I'm not sure what value Twitter has but I'm convinced they (or I) will figure it out someday so I continue to tweet.

I feel pressured to keep up and depressed when I can't. I used to be sad that I had too few outlets for expression. Now I don't know how to handle so many. It's a quality problem.

More social network musings:
Twitter Tuesday: Kanye Against the World
Wisdom of Crowds: WTF?

Alas, Poor Conan

Have you ever been dicked over at work? And your boss is telling you,"No, there's nothing wrong here. It's all in your head"? If you have, say hello to your brother, Conan O'Brien.


Did he have a funny feeling he might be New Coke to Jay Leno's Classic? When he took over The Tonight Show and NBC installed Leno in the one hour 10 to 11 spot, was his Spidey sense tingling?

Even the network admitted it was going to do badly with Jay's ratings but said it was still cheaper than producing original programming. (They were right about that. I think Leno's last original joke was about Arsenio Hall. Hey, I admire the guy's work ethic, just not his output.)

So Jay's show tanked and NBC hatched a plan to put him back in his old time slot: 11:35pm. What about Conan? Oh, no problem, his show will still be called The Tonight Show. But it will air at 12:05pm.

I believe that NBC had this plan or one like it in mind all along. Here's the thing that makes this such a con job on Conan: his contract does not specify a time slot. Maybe when Conan signed the contract, he overlooked this because The Tonight Show has been on at the same time for sixty years!

So shoving Conan back in favor of the old guy isn't a breach of contract or trust. It's really nothing at all, legally speaking. But if Conan refuses to play along, he can't leave and do a similar show for another network because he'll be the one acting in bad faith.

Who knows what will happen if he takes another job. Hopefully, NBC will forget that legal loophole and let him go. As for now, Conan won't pretend he's not getting the shaft: he refuses to continue on The Tonight Show if its time slot is moved. Read his letter to People of Earth.

I know Conan says he's lucky...and he is. I'm not asking for alms for a rich man. I just hate to see an honest guy get screwed.

*****

1/15/10--Update: Apparently, NBC and Leno were unhappy enough with the drubbing they got from everyone to come to the negotiating table with a sweet deal for Conan the Contrarian. The size of the check he'll get for walking away hasn't been settled yet but Conan will be free to go to a competing network--probably FOX--and ply his comedic trade. NBC came to its senses about holding him to his bogus contract.

It will be a while before he'll be able to pull a show together. But when he does, I hope he kicks Leno's ass!

Almost Famous

Once again, your feckless reporter has made it onto the pages of Overheard in New York. There's nothing like sitting on your couch and having a ready-made quote--or, in this case, a chant--float into your window. I heard it on Halloween but it takes time to sort through all the weird things New Yorkers say. I have to admit, the Michael Jackson one is my favorite, but the group I overheard is still funny, with just a chilling hint of Lord of the Flies to bring it home.

It's the Great Wednesday One-Liner, Charlie Brown

Subway girl in Halloween costume: I was thinking about going as Rosie the Riveter, but, like, girly Rosie the Riveter. In shorts.

--A Train

Trying-to-be-hip mom: What are vampires wearing this season?

--Halloween Adventure

Group of kids in costume, chanting: We want more candy! We want more candy! No more apples! No more apples!

--35th Ave & 29th St, Astoria

Overheard by: kathcom

Man dressed up as Michael Jackson on Halloween: I'm the King of pop, man! I'll touch your children! I'll hang your baby off a balcony!

--Downtown 6 Train

Late-night Halloween-reveler man with dirty cotton beard: I'm Santa. I'm drunk and I'm angry. Fuck balls. Reindeer balls.

--Downtown 6 train

Guy dressed as Billy Mays, in loud infomercial voice: Billy Mays here! Sick and tired of waiting for NJ Transit? Next time, drive! For the low, low price of $20 per toll! Just $4.69 per gallon!

--NJ Transit

Overheard by: J. Ra

Old man to another, about Halloween: I love young girls who dress up like pussies.

--Soho

Overheard by: Edan


via Overheard in New York, Dec 30, 2009

I NY!

Kathcom's Top 3 Reasons Not to Blog

Things have been pretty quiet at Magick Sandwich headquarters. In keeping with New Year's tradition, I've resolved to fess up to what's been keeping me from blogging lately. Here is a partial list:

1. Watching Hoarders. Who knew that A&E could make bedbugs and flattened cats so appealing? It certainly makes me feel better about my clutter problem.

2. Reading magazines. They pile up quickly when I'm not paying attention.(See #1). Sometimes I even force myself to read The New Yorker before Us Weekly to make myself feel more, you know, learned.

3. Playing Spymaster. I really enjoy murdering other gamers with my Twitter spy ring. For some reason, this reminds me of a boss I had who always sat with his back to the wall because he was paranoid about being surprised by an assassin. I told him, "You have to be important to be assassinated. You'd just be killed."

So that's it, really. There are other things that take up my time, like reading books and sending movie reviews to my buddies on Netflix. I'm also plotting the demise of my neighbor, who plays bongos so badly he'd lose a talent contest to a one-armed deaf man having a seizure. Only an intense application of Ozzy can drown him out; I fear additional steps must be taken. Stay tuned!

*****

And the winner of the coveted Space Cat Award is:

thinkinfu for her most excellent caption for the Santa Caption Contest:

" That's Santa Claus' evil brother Old Saint Dick."

*****

Happy 2010, everybody!