From World Cup to D Cup: Soccer the American Way

V Magazine describes itself as "...a magazine about fashion with a capital F and all the things that go with it: art, music, film, architecture...you name it." Well, one of those F's must stand for Football. You know, that other kind with the World Cup and those buzzy horns. It's a sport that's been just about to catch on in the U.S. for the past several decades. Yet unlike the metric system, soccer refuses to give up and go away.

In the rest of the world, footballers' wives and girlfriends, or WAGS, are a subject of great interest. (I blame you, praying mantis queen Victoria Beckham.) V's issue #66 pokes fun at the phenomenon with a photo spread that mocks the European tabloids. But there's a twist. All the players and women are actually models. It seems that, like much of the country, V wasn't interested in the real thing.

And did I mention there's nudity? What's more American than that? V may be a cutting edge publication, but I'm guessing there will be more than one average Joe hunched over in a fancy bookstore, surreptitiously flipping the pages. Here's my favorite:

She makes multitasking look so classy, doesn't she? There's no law against texting while you breastfeed yet, is there? If you're of a mind to see the others, go to Refinery 29 for the scoop. (Don't worry, it's a fashion site, not a porn site.) Some of the pics are not safe for work, but most are a hoot.

Actually, in my Internet wanderings, I did find evidence that there's at least one American who's a bona fide soccer fan. It's the guy who shouted, "USA!" after mashing a pie into the face of an English player who was being interviewed by the BBC . He ran off with his hands held high, no doubt feeling quite proud of himself. Of course, the Brits just laughed it off.

If he'd done that here, he'd be on his way to a secret prison with a sack over his head. Be warned, fella. Don't bring that behavior back here. We don't mess around. That's why we like bone-crunching American football, not some sissy crap where you can't use your hands. No offense.

National Pigeon Day 2010: Part Two

NY, NY: It's a beautiful day on Pilgrim Hill in Central Park, where Anna Dove gathers the faithful to celebrate National Pigeon Day. Miss Dove, who legally changed her name from Kugelmas in honor of her feathered friends, held the inaugural meeting here on June 13th, 2008. This year the city hosted the Puerto Rican Day parade on the 13th, forcing Ms. Dove to reschedule the festivities to today, June 19th, 2010. She remains hopeful that her petition to have the 13th recognized as National Pigeon Day will be ratified by the U.S. government.

One group stands apart from the others and doesn't seem to be enjoying the day's program. Wading into their midst, one gets the feeling these pigeons are no fans of this day dedicated to them.

A cocky male is the first to speak up. "First of all--no disrespect--it's illegal to feed us here. So is this really the appropriate venue? Isn't this supposed to be for us? Or is it just for some wacky bird people to get together and feel important? Maybe the cops look the other way today, but what about the rest of the year?"

There's a decided anxiety among the pigeons. "You know, after that rally to stop the ban on feeding us, I really thought we had some momentum," remarks a disheveled youth, shuffling his feet. "People were taking action. But it all just faded away. I look at these people today with their pigeon cookies and fancy strollers, and I think, what happened, you know? We were counting on you guys."

A dappled female chimes in. "What kind of world are we bringing our squabs into when we have to pick through garbage just to survive? It's the 21st century and I can't even get a handful of clean popcorn. Thank you, Mr. Bloomberg!"

One of the event's speakers is talking about the loss of habitats for pigeons due to rampant human overdevelopment.

This causes a new round of complaints from the pigeons.

"Don't you see the disconnect here? This city is our habitat! We love overdevelopment!  Build more! More cities, more buildings, more people to feed us! These people are pinheads!"

"Yeah, are they gonna sterilize themselves to stop human overdevelopment? Fine with me, since City Hall wants to put birth control in birdseed. I'm a good Catholic, man. Don't put your Nazi tactics on me!"

Whoops of agreement.

Misinterpreting the ruckus, a young girl giggles and rains breadcrumbs down on the group which pecks at them madly. As the crumbs are consumed and the frenzy subsides, one peers up and snarls, "Don't you judge me! You think I want to take handouts from you people? Did you ever try to make a sack of breadcrumbs with these things?" flapping his wings.

His burly neighbor agrees. "You know what would make me happy? Thumbs."

He cocks his head to one side and casts an appraising eye on the gathering of urban avians. "But that ain't gonna happen too soon, right? In the meantime, you know, we do rely on the kindness of strangers. And I say there's no shame in that."

In the milling and now agitated crowd, one voice rises above the rest: "Hey! Tell her about the bag snatcher!"

This beefy bird, who won't give his name but reveals that he usually "works the waterfront," claims to have been at the scene of the crime. "It's like this," he says."Last winter, a few of my buddies and I were visiting a sick cousin up on East 93rd. Miss Dove was out feeding a bunch of us when outta nowhere, this old guy grabs her bag of birdseed and throws it over a fence,on account of he says she's feeding the rats, too. The cops came and it was this huge deal. We made it into the New York Post!

I look very handsome in that picture, which was taken before we hopped the fence and ate that whole bag of birdseed. The rats didn't get one bit of that, I can tell you."

Someone is holding a sign depicting a pigeon. The image is of Cher Ami, a pigeon owned by the U.S. Army and used in World War I in France. On his final mission, he delivered a message despite being shot, blinded in one eye and having a leg hanging by a tendon. He was awarded a medal, the Croix de Guerre, but later died of his injuries. June 13th is the anniversary of his death. The speaker calls for National Pigeon Day to be recognized so that pigeons can be properly hailed as heroes.

The birds cry foul.

"The French eat pigeons! They're probably sucking the bones of one of our relatives right now."

"What did that bird care about a medal? He was a carrier pigeon. They're extinct! Not even our species, lady! What the hell is wrong with you? You say you love us, but you don't even know us!"

"Oo la la," says another. "All this talk of heroes! What choice did he have? What they call bravery, I call slavery."

Murmurs of agreement. "That was not our war."

A crusty old bird hobbles up. "Why isn't she talking about the spikes put up everywhere so I have to sleep with them up my ass? I lost a toe last winter when it froze to a ledge and broke off. Where are my veteran's benefits?

"We've been invisible long enough! You know I don't want to say anything about those poor birds down in the Gulf, but my brother Bob flew down there on vacation a few years back and he got swallowed whole by a brown pelican! I'm just saying, they're not so innocent."

The old bird, clearly a rabble-rouser, shouts to his brethren, "I see a lot of gums flapping but what are they doing for us, really? Hippie losers giving us a day? Every day is pigeon day!"

"YEAH!"

 "Let's fly down to City Hall and crap these breadcrumbs all over their heads!"

In a symphony of beating wings, they're gone.

Mayor Bloomberg had better duck.


More pigeon posts:
National Pigeon Day: Part One
June 13 is National Pigeon Day- Ask Your Boss for the Day Off 
National Pigeon Day. Again. I'm Not Kidding.

National Pigeon Day 2010: Part One

It's early in the morning at Pilgrim Hill in Central Park. In a few hours, this space will be filled with people celebrating the third annual National Pigeon Day and crowding out the guests of honor who are already here: the pigeons.

Anna Dove, president of the New York Bird Club, will lead today's events. Dove, who changed her name from Augusta Kugelmas as an homage to her dearly departed Lucie-Dove, founded this day to fight institutional discrimination against pigeons. The original date is June 13th, the anniversary of the death of Cher Ami, a carrier pigeon and decorated hero of World War I, which is now stuffed and mounted in the Museum of American History.

Unfortunately, this year the city's Puerto Rican Day parade was also scheduled for the 13th.  No park permit meant that the pigeons' special day had to be moved back a week. Racial bias? Perhaps. Not even an angry bird lover would dare say anything negative about the Puerto Rican Day parade. Dove is still hopeful that June 13 will be ratified as National Pigeon Day by the government. In 2008, its inaugural year, she told The New York Times, "We are trying to do for pigeons what Martin Luther King did for his people." Right on, sister.

Anna herself was a victim of extreme prejudice this past winter, when an enraged retired schoolteacher  snatched a bag of birdseed from her hands and threw it over a fence. He fled the scene but later said he'd been concerned about the rats being fed as well. Dove has filed charges against the man, who she claimed poked and shoved her, telling the New York Post, "The guy was violent, I wouldn't be surprised if he had a weapon next time." These are dark days, indeed, when a citizen can't violate sanitation code prohibiting littering.

As it turns out, Ms. Dove is no stranger to being on the wrong side of Johnny Law. In 2003, she was arrested for assault after she threw birdseed in the face of a Parks Department volunteer who pointed out that city rules prohibit feeding in public parks. The volunteer, Carol McCabe, told the Post that some of the seed scratched her eye, requiring medical attention. She also stated that she had obtained a restraining order against Ms. Dove and described her as "a little kooky."

According to Andrew Blechman, author of Pigeons: The Fascinating Saga of the World's Most Revered and Reviled Creature, Anna (then Augusta) said the volunteer was "a bitch with Mafioso ties" and that she'd thrown the seed at the woman to protect herself. The charges were eventually dropped and Dove founded a club for the downtrodden pigeon feeders of New York City, which led eventually to the festivities taking place today.

Some of Anna's flock may come to the park today in the hope that Woody Allen will finally show up. For three years, they have waited for Woody Allen to apologize for referring to pigeons as "rats with wings." Anna urged members of her New York Bird Club to help her to pressure the writer-director into attending. The Village Voice reprinted Dove's directive to her followers.

Please contact the list below and request that Woody Allen make an appearance at National Pigeon Day on Friday, June, 13th (details forthcoming) to make right the horrible disservice he’s responsible for by causing our feral pigeon population which are being persecuted and annihilated because of cavalier remarks like "rats with wings" (Stardust Memories, 1980, written and directed by Woody Allen) .... For nearly 30 years this 'racial slur" has and is presently being perpetuated by the media who use it to ridicule and degrade pigeons so that they have no respect in our society and, therefore, are treated with contempt and hatred by the general public.

So far, Mr. Allen's been a no-show.

Of course, New York City officials are also a prime target for many activists. When Council Speaker Christine Quinn called pigeons "flying rats," the Urban Wildlife Coalition's Johana Clearfield wrote to inform Quinn that "flying rats" is an "epithet...much like the n-word." That bad? Really?

Mayor Michael Bloomberg played both sides of the fence when he let City Councilman Simcha Felder take the heat by not endorsing Felder's proposed feeding ban but later told the press, "We do have a lot of pigeons and they do tend to foul a lot of our areas, and people would be better off not feeding the pigeons." Even he seemed to fear the bird-loving mob.

Felder claimed the ban was aimed at minimizing pigeon excrement, which damages city infrastructure with its ammonia and uric acid. Each pigeon drops an average of 25 pounds of poop per year. That's a lot of crap. But the bird boosters weren't buying his story. They held a rally at City Hall against the proposed ban, carrying signs that said things like, "Have you known anybody killed by a pigeon?"
 

No, I've never know someone killed by a pigeon. (I also don't know anyone killed by a feral cockroach. But they're not cute enough to get their own day.) Demonstrators also argued that pigeons teach children an appreciation for living things. Apparently, the eight million people living here don't count.

And when City Council member James Oddo suggested birth control, approved by PETA and the Humane Society, to clean up the Staten Island Ferry terminal and keep poop from raining down from the ceiling panels, the pigeons groupies came down on him like, well, poop from a ceiling. Joanna Tierno, moderator of a pigeon Internet site, told a reporter:

It's just a horrible idea just to kill off all these innocent animals, and for what reason? You can't help but remember the Holocaust. Jews were killed because people didn't want to look at them anymore.

Wow. Those pigeons are looking more intelligent all the time.

More pigeon posts:
June 13 is National Pigeon Day- Ask Your Boss for the Day Off
National Pigeon Day. Again. I'm Not Kidding.

A Highly Flammable Sign from God

Last night, a statue affectionately known as "Touchdown Jesus" was struck by lightning and consumed by fire. Formally known as "King of Kings," the eight ton, six story high memorial was erected next to I-75 just north of Cincinnati, Ohio, where it has stood since 2004 for the quiet reflection of passing motorists.

Lawrence Bishop, not a bishop but a former horse trader, who founded the 4,000 member Solid Rock Church with his wife Darlene, says the statue was meant to be a "beacon of hope." But last night it became a beacon of flame. Lightning struck and an unholy conflagration ensued.

WHIO-TV's Channel 7 spoke to a gathering of the faithful in the smoky aftermath. One young parishioner stated that he believed this was a sign from God that "He's unhappy with something we're doing." When another was asked what she thought the sign might be, she stated simply, "Nothing good."

A more likely explanation might be that the monument was constructed of styrofoam, fiberglass, wood and resin molded over a metal skeleton--not exactly flame retardant materials. (Are churches exempt from fire codes?) Darlene Bishop stated Jesus will be rebuilt, "but this time we are going to try for something fireproof." Um, could I suggest...solid rock?

The residents of Monroe, Ohio seem unconcerned with the toxins released by the blaze. In fact, Ms. Bishop stated that people are coming to a nearby pond to take home pieces of foam left after the fire. Maybe they're going to fashion them into big foam fingers to wave at the next local football game. Surely that's what Touchdown Jesus would have wanted.

Unless the sign is that he wants us to watch soccer.

General Petraeus Faints in Senate: A Cry for Help?

The New York Times has just reported that General David Petraeus passed out on the Senate floor after an intense round of questioning by Senators Carl Levin and John McCain.

WASHINGTON — The commander of American forces in the Middle East. Gen. David H. Petraeus, appeared to swoon or faint briefly during an intense period of questioning by senators Tuesday on whether the military can fulfill President Obama’s orders to begin pulling troops from Afghanistan in July of next year.

Okay, Times--swoon? Is that the first word you came up with? He's not an eighteenth century lady whose corset's too tight. (Or is he? No, he's not.) I wonder how long it will take right wingers to interpret this as some sign that Obama is the worst president ever. I assume it's happening right now. It's certainly more fun to discuss than how BP is turning the Gulf of Mexico into vinaigrette.

After leading him out of the hearing, Levin reported Petraeus was eating and drinking and "indicated that perhaps the general’s morning schedule had not allowed time for taking in sufficient food or water in advance of the morning session."

There's only one conclusion I can draw from this: anorexia. The general is in the spotlight, maybe worried about fitting into his dress uniform. So he starves himself and the reputation of the president hangs in the balance.

If I may address General Petraeus directly for a moment: Sir, you're beautiful just the way you are. You've still got it. Eat that corn muffin with pride.(And let this be a lesson to all the other generals out there. Eat your breakfast. And keep it down, bulimics. You know who you are.)

Of course, it's possible that it has nothing to do with an eating disorder. Perhaps he took "Don't ask, don't tell" so literally that his brain shut down from being asked to tell anything.

Elton John, Wedding Whore, Sings at Rush Limbaugh's Wedding

Seriously, are you shitting me? Elton John sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding this past weekend? Could this be the seventh sign of the apocalypse? 

I wrote about Sir John almost exactly one year ago in my post, Elton John, Funeral Whore, to Sing at Michael Jackson's Service. Even I thought I was being a little harsh. I never should have doubted myself. Once a beloved musician, John has become little more than a bloated gay mascot. Is his ubiquity at celebrity weddings and funerals a last grasp at relevance? Or just a dash for cash?

Rush Limbaugh, bloated Republican mascot, is a staunch critic of homosexuality. He's no fan of California's music industry, judging from this quip: "The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt comes with less fruit." Of course, that wouldn't apply to Elton John, who's from across the pond. But this statement might:  "When a gay person turns his back on you, it is anything but an insult; it's an invitation."

Hmm, what would Freud have said about that? Does Rush secretly long to be a rump rustler? It certainly seems like he's threatened by the temptation of a male tush. I can't imagine any man (or woman, for that matter) being attracted to Limbaugh, puffed up like a beached whale baking in the sun and emitting the foul stench of decay.

Let's leave such speculation to the experts for now. Rush, gay hater, paid Elton, gay star, one million dollars to sing at his wedding. Since Elton is worth close to quarter of a million dollars, I assume he will donate the money to an AIDS charity. He has contributed millions to AIDS-related causes. Unfortunately, that does not keep Sir John from being a big, sloppy media whore.

Then again, I would hope he'd cover Rush Limbaugh's funeral for free. I'm just not sure what he'll substitute for Candle in the Wind. That seems to be his go-to tune. He's tweaked it for everyone from Princess Di to Michael Jackson.

It seems to me
that you lived your life
like a cancer in the wind...

It's got a certain ring to it, don't you think? What would you have him sing?

More Limbaugh:

Feckless Douche of the Week: Rush Limbaugh

Stop Picking on Rush Limbaugh!

It's National Donut Day! Huzzah!

Here at Magick Sandwich, you'd think we'd be happy to see another foodstuff succeed. But we were pig-biting mad to see the donut graced with its own day.

I'm not too proud to admit that I wanted to poke fun at National Donut Day. Like so many things in life, the less you know about something, the easier it is to denigrate with conviction. Unfortunately, I did a little research and learned (dammit!) that Donut Day was created in 1938 by the Salvation Army to honor the women who served donuts to soldiers
in World War I.

Aw, shucks. Here's some Salvation Army educational video. Full disclosure: though my atheism makes me wary of organizations that smack of the Crusades, shopping at the 46th Street Sally helped me dress in cool vintage clothes back in the 80s, before everybody started doing it.(I'm looking at you, Kate Moss.)

This day has brought up an interesting question for me. How can you get angry at someone who feeds you donuts? This could be the secret to peace in the Middle East. We've been missing the mark with Bread Not Bombs. Just a tweak in the proferred baked goods could make all the difference. Waterboarding is so extreme; why not a little Dunkin' instead? (I know that was bad. I'm groaning, too.)

I really appreciate you sticking with me this far--especially after that Dunkin' joke. Sorry! By all means,turn off your computer and run to your nearest donut shop to get that bad pun taste out of your mouth. Krispy Kreme will give you a freebie but Dunkin' Donuts will make you buy a beverage with it, so it's more of a gift with purchase deal.

You can locate a Krispy Kreme store here. While you're there, pick up a tee. There's nothing that pisses off people at the gym like wearing a Krispy Kreme t-shirt.

*****

Update:

I went out to pick up the dry cleaning with exact change, so when I realized I should eat a donut, purely for verisimilitude, I couldn't. (There's only a Dunkin' Donuts near me and I'd have to purchase something to get it, so no dice.) But my dry cleaner realized he had overcharged me and I got money back. Serendipity!

I headed over to DD expecting banners announcing the day. There was one 4x6 inch sign on the door: free donut w/beverage purchase. They didn't even capitalize the words. Thank goodness my friends on the internet had alerted me so I didn't need the benefit of adequate signage.

I ordered a toasted coconut donut. I wanted a regular glazed but they only had glazed sticks. That didn't feel right. I had to buy an iced coffee to get it. I'd like to ask a question here. Why does iced coffee cost more than regular coffee? There's less coffee and the only other ingredient is frozen water.

Anyway, the cashier charged me for both. I had to say, "Hey, isn't it free donut day?" like an idiot. She pursed her lips and deleted the charge. I left feeling superior even though I'd just bought an overpriced beverage at a place I haven't visited since my first Krispy Kreme. The only Krispy Kreme left in NYC is in Penn Station and on a 90 degree day I had no urge to take a subway train there and reacquaint myself with the scent of wino piss in 70 percent humidity.

So I got home dripping in sweat and sat down with my prize. I thought about posting a picture of it since I've heard that people tweet their food before they eat it but I decided that was too stupid even for a post about donuts that employs a waterboard pun. I took a bite and it kinda sucked. It tasted dry and stale. And after I post this, I'm probably going to finish it.