Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Sage advice. Christine O'Donnell, victor in Delaware's Republican Senate primary,
has an interesting interpretation of this commandment.
Adultery is lustful. Okay, that sounds reasonable. What else have you got? According to O'Donnell, "The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. So you can't masturbate without lust." Therefore, masturbation is adultery. Ipso facto, I'm a damned ho!
Come to find out, I've literally been cheating on myself, with myself. That's a two-fer. I suspect there are more than a few of us out there who have been violating the seventh commandment with alacrity all these years. We'd better hope Satan is building some new condos in Hell because it's going to get crowded down there.
If she wins, Delaware could go from a blue state to a state of blue balls. I'd like to ask her if a wet dream is a sin, too, but that might rub her the wrong way. Maybe she's soured on self-love because she isn't any good at it. Hasn't she ever heard Practice makes perfect? If that's not in the Bible, it should be.
Ms. O'Donnell, despite your suspicious lack of income and your penchant for cotton candy hair heightened by ozone depleting amounts of hair spray, I want to believe you're a virtuous woman. Maybe it was as simple as "the higher the hair, the closer to God." Then again, it could be that decades of torturing your hair provided an outlet for your sexual frustration. If so, I can see you've overcome even that base impulse, since your hair is now limp as a...well, you wouldn't understand.
Forgive my skepticism, won't you? And until I'm convinced,
I'm going to need you to keep your hands where I can see them.
Related articles
- Message to Christine O'Donnell: Hands off my hobby. (slate.com)
- Christine O'Donnell: 'I'm Not Going To Do Any More National Media' (VIDEO) (huffingtonpost.com)
