Charlie Sheen Hates Guayaberas but Loves Cuban

I haven't heard the term "moral turpitude" since the vice principal at my high school got canned for diddling a student. I had no idea that it could also be felonious. Thank you, CBS and Charlie Sheen, for teaching me something new today.

Loser

First, let me say that I didn't go looking for information on the Sheenmeister.  I'd gone cold turkey over the weekend, sick of reading about how Sheen is a victim of media vampires and network greed heads. This makes for a good polemic but ignores the man's addiction and concomitant grandiosity. It also overvalues his talent, which has been eclipsed by his behavior and physical deterioration. He plays a ladies' man, not a gaunt creep with rotten teeth, so pathetic that the women he used to pay "to leave" he now pays to stay.

My undoing arrived in my inbox tonight, courtesy of The New York Times. CBS finally fired Sheen. And just like that, I was off the wagon. I needed juicier fare so I sped to TMZ where I read the letter delivered to Sheen's lawyer this morning. I think we can guess what it says but here's a highlight for my fellow addicts.

There is ample evidence supporting Warner Bros. reasonable good faith opinion that Mr. Sheen has committed felony offenses involving moral turpitude (including but not limited to furnishing of cocaine to others as part of the self-destructive lifestyle he has described publicly)that have "interfere [ d] with his ability to fully and completely render all material services required" under the Agreement.

Before condemning CBS, a gut check is in order. Do you think you could call your boss a dick, spout nonsense, brag about your drug use and love of hookers and not get fired? If so, tell Charlie to submit his resume. Not that he'll need the money now that he's suing CBS. Here's his official response to the firing.

This is very good news. They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of their bazillions, never have to look at whatshiscock again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial realm.

To those who say we just don't get Charlie's sense of humor...really? If he thinks it's wise at this point to joke around, isn't that further evidence he's unglued? I'm fascinated along with almost everyone else--the man's a walking non sequitur factory. T-shirt companies devoted to his wit and wisdom must cherish every sound bite.

Luckily for them, the hits keep on coming. Sheen's done two webcasts, the first of which even he says is bad, called Sheen's Korner. Although I believe almost everything is improved by the letter k, I'm curious: was Sheen's Corner already trademarked? And Mark Cuban is hoping the Vatican assassin can drum up some viewers with a new show on Cuban's HDnet. The premise?

"We're trying to decide," Cuban told ESPN. "Right now, we're taping a lot of different things that he's doing and we'll try to figure it out. It's still not 100 percent certain."

Is it crass to suggest he might be hoping to capture an overdose? Or perhaps the soul-puckering moment when Sheen realizes that he's not that special? With two million Twitter fans hanging on his every word, it must seem like everyone's along for his roller coaster ride. What Charlie can't know yet is that part of the thrill for us is knowing we can jump off before he runs out of track.



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