Charlie Sheen: I Wanna Snort Myself! Wouldn't You?

"The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards look like 
droopy-eyed, armless children."

Droopy-eyed, sure. Who doesn't understand that? But armless? That's where you lost me.

It's hard to believe this is actually happening. I know ABC must be ecstatic that its 20/20 interview with Charlie Sheen drew the time slot's highest ratings in years. Hopefully, the footage can be used at his commitment hearing and not his funeral coverage.

The man is full tilt bozo, with "tiger blood and Adonis DNA," raising his twins with the help of the porn "goddesses" he now calls his family. Until this morning, that is. Sheen surrendered his sons to the police after a sworn declaration by their mother, Brooke Mueller, that Sheen told her, "I will cut your head off, put it in a box and send it to your mom!" He did say on 20/20 that Mel Gibson had called to lend moral support, although Mel's threat to his baby mama sounds almost courtly in comparison. "I will bury you in the rose garden" has such a sentimental ring to it now.

Unfortunately, Mel may have given Charlie some advice on the "Jewish problem" as well. Sheen derisively referred to his boss Chuck Lorre as Chaim Levine as if he were outing him, although it was not a secret. Charlie's birth name is Carlos Estevez.Who cares? People care because of the way he said it. The fact that a recording exists makes it harder to believe he meant nothing by it.

So does this. Brooke Mueller claimed that Sheen called his manager Mark Berg a "stoopid jew pig" and she submitted a screen grab of it with her sworn statement. Yes, it could have been faked. She also stated that while in the Bahamas last week, he asked her to kick back $20,000 a month in child support so he would have "untraceable cash" to "knock off a few people." She could have been lying.

We know that Mueller has problems of her own: she's in "day treatment" for substance abuse. That's why the twins are now being cared for by her mother. Those poor kids. Nature and nurture haven't done them any favors so far. I can't imagine being Brooke, recovering from the non-stop "seven-gram rock" parties and waking from the nightmare of living with a man who, at his most sedate, would make coffee nervous. I'd do anything to get my kids away from him.

So, yeah, maybe she's lying. But I would argue that the burden of proof resting on her shoulders gets lighter every time her ex opens his crazy mouth.


I'm winning at 
You can, too!

Try as I might, I just can't seem to use winning in its proper charliesheen context. Every time I write it, it still makes sense. I must persevere because, as a wise man once said, "Can't is the cancer of happen."

Sheen addicts, get your fix here:
Sorry, Charlie! Sheen Found Drunk 
Charlie Sheen, The New York Times and Me


  1. Charlie Sheen is making Mel Gibson AND Lindsay Lohan look GOOD.

    By the by, I loved BOTH of your last two Sheen posts SO MUCH I've tweeted and facebooked them.

  2. he makes brittney spears seem harmless....

  3. Thank you, meleah! But I hope he stops giving me new material.

    mary: At least when Spears melted down, she got treatment for her bipolar disorder. Sheen has cleaned up before but it hasn't stuck. He says he doesn't want meds for mental illness--he says it will make him "like them." I guess they are boring healthy people.

  4. Hey, you have to admire the guy for totally committing to something. You rarely see that sort of drive in people nowadays... ;-)

  5. Herman: Eureka! I've been trying to figure out why people still admire him--that must be it! :)

  6. Oh my does he need bi-polar meds!!!! This is tragic and I feel for those kids! Both parents are real winners for sure!!!!
    And I abhor how TV hosts are using this situation to pile on the ratings. Total whores for sure!!

  7. I know, Sue Ann. I feel whorish for writing about him...except that
    I make no money from this. I feel goaded into writing by each crazy thing he does.

  8. Charlie is tired of pretending he isn't special? Each time he opens his mouth he's showing just how special he is. :)

  9. Maurice, is it wrong that I think of you as the pompatus of love?

  10. I really never thought anyone could make Mel Gibson seem not so psycho. But Charlie is doing his best to take the pressure of Mel, isn't he?

    I don't know how long this will last for me (indefinitely) but I am loving every Adonis DNA filled moment of this frenzy.

  11. I'm out of the loop. I had no idea about Brooke's problems because I really don't care. If these adults want to make messes of their lives they should willingly hand over the children to someone who can look after them responsibly.

  12. Hi Kath...

    I remember when he was going through the whole divorce and child custody thing with Denice Richards and I thought she was being such a bitch. Wow. My bad.

    And yeah, the whole Mel thing. Now there's a guy you want as a character witness.

  13. katie: I've been thinking that Sheen was telling the truth about Gibson not giving him advice--maybe he just called Sheen to say thanks!

    Rachele: You're absolutely right. It's easy to lose sight of the innocent victims of this sad situation.

    injaynesworld: I think Richards married him when he was sober. It must have been a shock when he morphed into a crackhead before her eyes. (I still think she's a bit of an idiot. My bad.)

    Yeah, good old Mel. They share hatred of Jews and women. Could there be a sitcom in this?

  14. Charlie and Mel... a winning combination! Too bad it's the kids who will lose with this loser.

  15. I have no idea why my original comment ended up under my kid's Google account. GRRR!

    I'm sure Mel phoned in to give a big old thanks to Charlie.

  16. Keep trying to work in the Sheenisms, they will eventually flow freely from your mouth.

    I feel bad for those kids too, they look all cute an innocent now but if they stick with Charlie they will be finishing 7 gram rocks.

  17. Your late line is hilarious and packs a great punch!


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