Not About Charlie Sheen*

We at Magick Sandwich believe Not About Charlie Sheen, or NACS®, should be used to identify all non-Sheen related coverage for the foreseeable future. He's being so generous that I don't think the blogosphere will run out of material anytime soon...unless he dies. How many death pools are out there already? (I'm a little bitter about this subject since my Swayze Watch® was not well-received. It was ahead of its time.)

Grasping the urgent need for other subject matter, we took a few hours to wean ourselves off living the Sheen dream, reading New Yorker cartoons of his best quotes and watching Charlie interview, then translate for Muammar Gaddafi. Hey, we're only human.

What we found afterward sickened us. Okay, me. I can't maintain the illusion of multiple staff anymore. But I'm not lying about being grossed out. This seriously almost made me puke. Too much? I can't riff like the Sheenster. So here's the deal. There's a restaurant in New York that serves live lobster. Live! You pay for the privilege of wrestling, killing and cracking open your very own sea roach.

Bring it.

I've heard vegetarians don't eat anything with a face. I don't mind that but I don't want it to still have a face when I eat it. I think the civilized thing is for someone to cut it off before it gets to me. This thing is going to be looking at me with its stalky eyes and banging its exoskeleton on my plate? No, thank you!

And isn't that the kind of thing they pay illegals to take care of in the kitchen? I would hate to put someone out of a job. I will tip generously. Just give me one degree of separation between the living thing in the fish tank and the delectable, defaced and, most important of all, predeceased dish that I ordered.

I've got to get my mind off this. Where's that Charlie Sheen Mad Lib I was working on?


  1. swayze watch? dare i ask?

  2. mary w: Swayze Watch was a fake death pool I created to pretend people were wagering on the day beloved actor Patrick Swayze would die. Tasteless, odious and not even real: as I said, ahead of its time. ;)

  3. The Charlie Sheen watch is in full swing. Just about every news program has one going on. It is almost laughable if it wasn't so tragic! And sad! Seriously!
    And to have to kill my own dinner is too much for me too!! I don't want to see it's sweet face...ever!!!

  4. A buddy of mine was in the Peace Corps way, way back. I can't recall what country he was in, but in a restaurant one night he was served something ... that moved.

    He sent it back to the kitchen for some killing.

  5. Think of it this way: When the live lobster is staring you down at the table just remember that it's related the to the cockroach.

    Then slowly bring your shoe over head and...BLAM! ;-)

  6. It pains me to admit this - but I still cannot get enough Charlie Sheen coverage. It's still all-too-shocking.

    He needs to brand his own cologne and call it WINNING - as Jimmy Fallon did so perfectly. And, he should even consider branding his own Vodka labeled Tigers Blood. But, I'm sure some marketing Genius already figured that out.

    As for being served a live lobster? NO THANK YOU. Please being mine cooked, cracked, and de-faced.


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