Knowing that I'll be damned tomorrow is no excuse for inaction. The following is my Judgment Day backup plan.
1. Stay positive. Those of us left on Earth will be plagued by earthquakes, floods etc. Is that so different from a normal Saturday these days? If I die tomorrow in the first quake, I'll have no worries--unless Hell really exists, in which case I'm screwed. If we make it through the weekend, we'll move on to the next step.
2. Invest in real estate. Two words: empty church. I've got my eye on St. Patrick's. Well maintained by its previous owner, high square footage, cathedral ceilings....and that baptismal font will make a great punch bowl. (If you think I went too far with that last thing, you are in denial and clinging to a reverence that will not save you. You're damned! Snap out of it and have some fun!)
3. Get a Rapture-proof job. I harbor a Protestant work ethic. God knows, the world will be chock full of Protestants who need to keep busy. I've found the perfect career: post-Rapture pet sitting. The folks at Eternal Earth-Bound Pets match atheists with cats and dogs left behind by the righteous. Since pets have no souls no matter how many outfits they're forced to wear--and who'd want to poop scoop Heaven?--they're stuck here with us. Someone needs to care for them until October 21, 2011 when the earth is finally consumed by fire.
Finally, I'd like to leave you all with a few words of encouragement. Even if you'd paid attention in Sunday school, odds are you'd still be looking down the barrel of eternal damnation. Now go forth and cry no more for all is lost. Party at my place on Sunday! Bring ice.
More Judgment:
Jesus is Coming Soon. Really, Really Soon.
7 Comments; Click here to comment.:
Listen, I hope it does come because I need a fucking vacation already! I have been fucked in the ass by life so many times and not in a good way either! So I say beam me up Scotty!
picklesinmyass.blogspot.com
Dear Mrs. Pickle,
I'm not sure which is more disturbing to me: the pain that you've suffered or that pickles have asses.
Wow, it's great to see someone thinking clearly. I hadn't even considered vacant churches. I've been dying to get my hands on an old school pipe organ. First the Rapture, then lets jam some old school Kansas tunes. I can't think of a better apocalypse theme than "Carry on my Wayward Son."
Ha!! What is nice about my upcoming trip (heaven) I don't have to pack!! Ahhhhh!!! And no airplane needed. Perfect!
Hugs
SueAnn
I know you were thinking cathedral type churches, and by and large, I agree, however, there is this one church here that took over this great old theater downtown (you know, with the grand neon marquee and ticket booth?) and that has always pissed me off. I'm moving in there. They have a coffee shop next door, too. I'll make that my kitchen.
@M. Hicks: Yes! I got to play a church organ once while everybody was downstairs at coffee hour. I pulled out all the stops and played Moonlight Sonata. Until someone ran upstairs and stop me. It was awesome! For the apocalypse and a Kansas sing-along, I'd love to rock an old Hammond!
@slommler: Sue Ann, it's looking like Harold Camping messed up the math again so no trip for you. Sorry, but I'm glad to have you with us down here!
@Saint Schizophrenia: I don't think anyone who defiles a beautiful theater with church services could be part of God's chosen. So they won't be vacating those premises unless we employ some Second Amendment remedies....
Oh man, there was a party at your house on Sunday and I missed it!
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