Jesus is Coming Soon. Really, Really Soon.

Pencil Him in.

Hey there, Jesus! It's me! Long time, no talk, I know! I just wanted to tell you how excited I am to finally meet you in person when you return to Earth on Saturday, May 21st to judge all humankind. Harold Camping, a world renowned Biblical scholar, has prophesied it and it must be true since he got the math wrong when he said the Rapture would happen on September 6, 1994. I mean, who'd make a mistake like that twice?

Anyhoo, I know you'll be busy smiting the wicked and ferrying the righteous to Heaven so I just want to ask you a few questions now so I won't bother you on the rope line. First, when you retrieve souls, do they go up like on an elevator or is it more like a flying car? I've got to be honest, I'm afraid of heights and I get car sick. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is my worst nightmare! Not that I'm complaining, but if you could heal me first that would be awesome. Otherwise I can bring a few Dramamine. No biggie. Should I bring my own bottled water? I cannot dry swallow pills. Yuck! Do you have good tap water up there? Do you recycle? Does trash just disappear?

Should I pack light? Is there a carry-on limit? Do fat people need more suction to pull them up or do they all go to Hell for gluttony? How will I breathe that high up? Oxygen masks make me claustrophobic. Maybe we won't need air at all. If we don't breathe, will farts still smell bad? Do you have broccoli? Is there gravity? Will I need a bra when I jog?

Well, those are all the questions I have for you now. I guess I'll get going; there's so much to do. Wait a minute, what? What church do I belong to? Umm, I was baptized and confirmed and everything. An atheist? Where did you hear that? That's kind of an overstatement, don't you think? I can't belong with those seven billion people left behind to suffer. I don't do well with earthquakes. They mess up my inner ear. And lakes of fire--so dehydrating!

Please, Lord, don't make me beg! Listen, I'll repent. Everybody gets to do that, right? No? What kind of chickenshit outfit is this? Sorry, I didn't mean that. I know it's last minute but isn't that pretty much how it works? You repent on your deathbed and you get a pass, right? That's a fake-out? Man, you Christians are harsh! Seriously though: no backsies? No do-overs?

Aw, nuts.


More fun with Christianity:
Breaking: Manger Danger!
A Highly Flammable Sign from God
Magick's Twofer Tuesday, Part 1: Can this Sandwich be Saved?
Magick's Twofer Tuesday, Part 2: Sandwich Salvation in Doubt

Related articles

• "The End Of The World May 21st: Harold Camping Rapture Prediction" (bumpshack.com)
• Before the Rapture (thedailybeast.com)