"We were in the town square videotaping her throwing rocks at squirrels," her father read from a prepared statement at a press conference this morning. "It's good for her hand-eye coordination. Then she started to climb up the manger wall. One moment her mother and I were laughing and clapping, the next, tragedy struck. It is unconscionable that the city did not properly anchor the manger to the ground. How could they do that to my little girl?"
Reached by phone, Mensa's mother stated, "If she doesn't come out of the coma soon, she'll lose her spot at Branstone preschool. Her life will be ruined!" She added, "They're going to pay for this!" before hanging up, overcome with emotion.
Savior Sold Industries, manufacturer of the nativity scene, is expected to release a statement later today. This is not the first time the company has had a problem with a defective product. In 2007, it voluntarily recalled its Sweet Jesus Jumbo Tabletop Candy Crèche after a Pekingese choked to death on a piece of myrrh.
In related news, a Wise Man was attacked on December 6th in Baye Village, Ohio. DNA evidence is pending. Local registered sex offenders are being questioned. The manger's owner, Jerry Smith, has removed the display from his lawn and says it will remain deflated until further notice.
Meanwhile, a church group in Iowa continues its efforts to make peeing on the baby Jesus a felony.
7 Comments; Click here to comment.:
please tell me these stories are NOT true!
I always wondered why I am never allowed to enter the state of Iowa. This has helped clear up my uncertainties. Thanks.
meleah: It was inspired by a couple I saw in a park who were happily videotaping their son as he threw rocks at squirrels. So there is a little, bitter truth in there.
The Mighty: I think you have the makings of a great lawsuit. Poor creche-adjacent bladder control is a serious condition. You have been discriminated against by the state of Iowa. On the other hand, do you really want to go there?
They don't seem to officially recognise the condition in Iowa; they mostly just blow a fuse, yelling, "STOP PISSING ON THE MESSIAH, YOU FREAK". Or something to that extent.
The Mighty: You're welcome here in NYC where pissing in the Messiah is not only encouraged, it's required.
"...it will remain deflated until further notice." That made me guffaw.
J. Bear: That was my favorite little detail. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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