Charlie Sheen Hates Guayaberas but Loves Cuban

I haven't heard the term "moral turpitude" since the vice principal at my high school got canned for diddling a student. I had no idea that it could also be felonious. Thank you, CBS and Charlie Sheen, for teaching me something new today.

Loser

First, let me say that I didn't go looking for information on the Sheenmeister.  I'd gone cold turkey over the weekend, sick of reading about how Sheen is a victim of media vampires and network greed heads. This makes for a good polemic but ignores the man's addiction and concomitant grandiosity. It also overvalues his talent, which has been eclipsed by his behavior and physical deterioration. He plays a ladies' man, not a gaunt creep with rotten teeth, so pathetic that the women he used to pay "to leave" he now pays to stay.

My undoing arrived in my inbox tonight, courtesy of The New York Times. CBS finally fired Sheen. And just like that, I was off the wagon. I needed juicier fare so I sped to TMZ where I read the letter delivered to Sheen's lawyer this morning. I think we can guess what it says but here's a highlight for my fellow addicts.

There is ample evidence supporting Warner Bros. reasonable good faith opinion that Mr. Sheen has committed felony offenses involving moral turpitude (including but not limited to furnishing of cocaine to others as part of the self-destructive lifestyle he has described publicly)that have "interfere [ d] with his ability to fully and completely render all material services required" under the Agreement.

Before condemning CBS, a gut check is in order. Do you think you could call your boss a dick, spout nonsense, brag about your drug use and love of hookers and not get fired? If so, tell Charlie to submit his resume. Not that he'll need the money now that he's suing CBS. Here's his official response to the firing.

This is very good news. They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of their bazillions, never have to look at whatshiscock again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial realm.

To those who say we just don't get Charlie's sense of humor...really? If he thinks it's wise at this point to joke around, isn't that further evidence he's unglued? I'm fascinated along with almost everyone else--the man's a walking non sequitur factory. T-shirt companies devoted to his wit and wisdom must cherish every sound bite.

Luckily for them, the hits keep on coming. Sheen's done two webcasts, the first of which even he says is bad, called Sheen's Korner. Although I believe almost everything is improved by the letter k, I'm curious: was Sheen's Corner already trademarked? And Mark Cuban is hoping the Vatican assassin can drum up some viewers with a new show on Cuban's HDnet. The premise?

"We're trying to decide," Cuban told ESPN. "Right now, we're taping a lot of different things that he's doing and we'll try to figure it out. It's still not 100 percent certain."

Is it crass to suggest he might be hoping to capture an overdose? Or perhaps the soul-puckering moment when Sheen realizes that he's not that special? With two million Twitter fans hanging on his every word, it must seem like everyone's along for his roller coaster ride. What Charlie can't know yet is that part of the thrill for us is knowing we can jump off before he runs out of track.



More, More, More:
Not About Charlie Sheen*
Charlie Sheen: I Wanna Snort Myself! Wouldn't You?

Not About Charlie Sheen*

We at Magick Sandwich believe Not About Charlie Sheen, or NACS®, should be used to identify all non-Sheen related coverage for the foreseeable future. He's being so generous that I don't think the blogosphere will run out of material anytime soon...unless he dies. How many death pools are out there already? (I'm a little bitter about this subject since my Swayze Watch® was not well-received. It was ahead of its time.)

Grasping the urgent need for other subject matter, we took a few hours to wean ourselves off living the Sheen dream, reading New Yorker cartoons of his best quotes and watching Charlie interview, then translate for Muammar Gaddafi. Hey, we're only human.

What we found afterward sickened us. Okay, me. I can't maintain the illusion of multiple staff anymore. But I'm not lying about being grossed out. This seriously almost made me puke. Too much? I can't riff like the Sheenster. So here's the deal. There's a restaurant in New York that serves live lobster. Live! You pay for the privilege of wrestling, killing and cracking open your very own sea roach.

Bring it.

I've heard vegetarians don't eat anything with a face. I don't mind that but I don't want it to still have a face when I eat it. I think the civilized thing is for someone to cut it off before it gets to me. This thing is going to be looking at me with its stalky eyes and banging its exoskeleton on my plate? No, thank you!

And isn't that the kind of thing they pay illegals to take care of in the kitchen? I would hate to put someone out of a job. I will tip generously. Just give me one degree of separation between the living thing in the fish tank and the delectable, defaced and, most important of all, predeceased dish that I ordered.

I've got to get my mind off this. Where's that Charlie Sheen Mad Lib I was working on?

 

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Charlie Sheen: I Wanna Snort Myself! Wouldn't You?

"The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards look like 

droopy-eyed, armless children."

Droopy-eyed, sure. Who doesn't understand that? But armless? That's where you lost me.

It's hard to believe this is actually happening. I know ABC must be ecstatic that its 20/20 interview with Charlie Sheen drew the time slot's highest ratings in years. Hopefully, the footage can be used at his commitment hearing and not his funeral coverage.

The man is full tilt bozo, with "tiger blood and Adonis DNA," raising his twins with the help of the porn "goddesses" he now calls his family. Until this morning, that is. Sheen surrendered his sons to the police after a sworn declaration by their mother, Brooke Mueller, that Sheen told her, "I will cut your head off, put it in a box and send it to your mom!" He did say on 20/20 that Mel Gibson had called to lend moral support, although Mel's threat to his baby mama sounds almost courtly in comparison. "I will bury you in the rose garden" has such a sentimental ring to it now.

Unfortunately, Mel may have given Charlie some advice on the "Jewish problem" as well. Sheen derisively referred to his boss Chuck Lorre as Chaim Levine as if he were outing him, although it was not a secret. Charlie's birth name is Carlos Estevez.Who cares? People care because of the way he said it. The fact that a recording exists makes it harder to believe he meant nothing by it.

So does this. Brooke Mueller claimed that Sheen called his manager Mark Berg a "stoopid jew pig" and she submitted a screen grab of it with her sworn statement. Yes, it could have been faked. She also stated that while in the Bahamas last week, he asked her to kick back $20,000 a month in child support so he would have "untraceable cash" to "knock off a few people." She could have been lying.

We know that Mueller has problems of her own: she's in "day treatment" for substance abuse. That's why the twins are now being cared for by her mother. Those poor kids. Nature and nurture haven't done them any favors so far. I can't imagine being Brooke, recovering from the non-stop "seven-gram rock" parties and waking from the nightmare of living with a man who, at his most sedate, would make coffee nervous. I'd do anything to get my kids away from him.

So, yeah, maybe she's lying. But I would argue that the burden of proof resting on her shoulders gets lighter every time her ex opens his crazy mouth.

*****

I'm winning at 

the Tribal Blog

You can, too!

Try as I might, I just can't seem to use winning in its proper charliesheen context. Every time I write it, it still makes sense. I must persevere because, as a wise man once said, "Can't is the cancer of happen."

Sheen addicts, get your fix here:

Charlie Sheen Sober? Maybe, But He's Still Nuts

Sorry, Charlie! Sheen Found Drunk 
Charlie Sheen, The New York Times and Me

Charlie Sheen Doesn't Need Rehab!