3 Ways to Survive and Thrive on Judgment Day

If you're like me, you've thought about the Rapture and come to the conclusion you're not going anywhere. Being Christian is no guarantee. God has chosen only 200 million of you to ride with Jesus to the great hereafter. That means 2 billion of you picked the wrong church. Where do I get these numbers? The Bible. (Actually, I got them from Bob.) See there? I didn't read the Bible and I just lied about it. I'm doomed.

Knowing that I'll be damned tomorrow is no excuse for inaction. The following is my Judgment Day backup plan.


1. Stay positive. Those of us left on Earth will be plagued by earthquakes, floods etc. Is that so different from a normal Saturday these days? If I die tomorrow in the first quake, I'll have no worries--unless Hell really exists, in which case I'm screwed. If we make it through the weekend, we'll move on to the next step.

2. Invest in real estate. Two words: empty church. I've got my eye on St. Patrick's. Well maintained by its previous owner, high square footage, cathedral ceilings....and that baptismal font will make a great punch bowl. (If you think I went too far with that last thing, you are in denial and clinging to a reverence that will not save you. You're damned! Snap out of it and have some fun!)

3. Get a Rapture-proof job. I harbor a Protestant work ethic. God knows, the world will be chock full of Protestants who need to keep busy. I've found the perfect career: post-Rapture pet sitting. The folks at Eternal Earth-Bound Pets match atheists with cats and dogs left behind by the righteous. Since pets have no souls no matter how many outfits they're forced to wear--and who'd want to poop scoop Heaven?--they're stuck here with us. Someone needs to care for them until October 21, 2011 when the earth is finally consumed by fire.

Finally, I'd like to leave you all with a few words of encouragement. Even if you'd paid attention in Sunday school, odds are you'd still be looking down the barrel of eternal damnation. Now go forth and cry no more for all is lost. Party at my place on Sunday! Bring ice.


More Judgment:
Jesus is Coming Soon. Really, Really Soon.

 

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Jesus is Coming Soon. Really, Really Soon.

Pencil Him in.

Hey there, Jesus! It's me! Long time, no talk, I know! I just wanted to tell you how excited I am to finally meet you in person when you return to Earth on Saturday, May 21st to judge all humankind. Harold Camping, a world renowned Biblical scholar, has prophesied it and it must be true since he got the math wrong when he said the Rapture would happen on September 6, 1994. I mean, who'd make a mistake like that twice?

Anyhoo, I know you'll be busy smiting the wicked and ferrying the righteous to Heaven so I just want to ask you a few questions now so I won't bother you on the rope line. First, when you retrieve souls, do they go up like on an elevator or is it more like a flying car? I've got to be honest, I'm afraid of heights and I get car sick. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is my worst nightmare! Not that I'm complaining, but if you could heal me first that would be awesome. Otherwise I can bring a few Dramamine. No biggie. Should I bring my own bottled water? I cannot dry swallow pills. Yuck! Do you have good tap water up there? Do you recycle? Does trash just disappear?

Should I pack light? Is there a carry-on limit? Do fat people need more suction to pull them up or do they all go to Hell for gluttony? How will I breathe that high up? Oxygen masks make me claustrophobic. Maybe we won't need air at all. If we don't breathe, will farts still smell bad? Do you have broccoli? Is there gravity? Will I need a bra when I jog?

Well, those are all the questions I have for you now. I guess I'll get going; there's so much to do. Wait a minute, what? What church do I belong to? Umm, I was baptized and confirmed and everything. An atheist? Where did you hear that? That's kind of an overstatement, don't you think? I can't belong with those seven billion people left behind to suffer. I don't do well with earthquakes. They mess up my inner ear. And lakes of fire--so dehydrating!

Please, Lord, don't make me beg! Listen, I'll repent. Everybody gets to do that, right? No? What kind of chickenshit outfit is this? Sorry, I didn't mean that. I know it's last minute but isn't that pretty much how it works? You repent on your deathbed and you get a pass, right? That's a fake-out? Man, you Christians are harsh! Seriously though: no backsies? No do-overs?

Aw, nuts.


More fun with Christianity:
Breaking: Manger Danger!
A Highly Flammable Sign from God
Magick's Twofer Tuesday, Part 1: Can this Sandwich be Saved?
Magick's Twofer Tuesday, Part 2: Sandwich Salvation in Doubt

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• "The End Of The World May 21st: Harold Camping Rapture Prediction" (bumpshack.com)
• Before the Rapture (thedailybeast.com)