Spam Superstar 2011

I tend to get a lot of spam comments on Magick Mini Movie Review: Bad Lieutenant. Apparently, "harvey keitel penis" is a popular Google search. Though the most interesting commenter this year was Call Girls in Mumbai--I clicked it and it does appear to be a website advertising Indian prostitutes--Anonymous' critique of Uggs (now stripped of its links to online sales of same) has the distinction of being the Best Spam I've Gotten This Year. Spam is a terrible thing, I know, but I hope you'll agree, this is a thing of beauty.

  

*****

 Uggs plus the Individuals Who Don Them

The weather conditions is just not a element when it comes to fashion i've discovered. And these Uggs or what i like to call :"moon boots" appear to present up no matter temperature. I've seen them with the spring fashioned with skirts, or inside the winter tucked into sweat pants. They are truly feel are only worn due to the fad vogue.

They have got seemingly popped up just about everywhere, i do not just affiliate them with the trendy girls i see, strolling about malls. These are worn by preteens, and even a number of mom's who no one has the heart to say definitely shouldn't be sporting them. Unless i'm mistaken, and they take place to get quite possibly the most relaxed parts of foot apparel to the current market. Or have females all fallen underneath a consumer cult mentality.

For my part, and i want to pressure that its my impression, and never which they actually seem ridiculous. I wouldn't brain it if when worn, say with pants where the pants are pulled in excess of the Uggs boots that would be fine. But this is not the situation. Ladies go out of their method to tuck them into their pants concerning show off the boots. They have no style and design to them its simply just a substantial boot that may be reminiscent of rubber rain boots, whom no person would be caught lifeless donning.

Are we so vulnerable to Hollywood, publications and media that individuals will dress in everything? Where by does it stop? I might like to have females remark to me and explain to me uncomplicated they bought it because they enjoy the comfort and ease and heat that they obtain, and that its an excellent wanting boot/shoe/hybrid piece of vogue.

For my part within the close to distant long run, all people that personal them will likely be ashamed which they ever wore them. Precisely the same way many of us experience era to era with vogue fads. Many of us share similar "oh jeez" response a person might have when seeing or referring to "bell bottoms." The topic is always an awesome conversation with mothers and fathers or persons from distinctive decades to discuss their vogue goof ups.

I desired to carry consideration to this fashion wonder or in my eyes blunder, as i am in disgust once i see a pair of Uggs strolling my way. I jump for the conclusion which the lady who has them can be a Esq persona. 1 who's spoiled, contains a pair of Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses, normally has her hair died, and trimmed and certainly not walks out of the house without a miniature model of what utilized to be a pet dog. The type who would never be caught dead exterior the home without, a manicure, or am i erroneous?

*****

Help! I've fallen underneath a consumer cult mentality and I can't get up. I know I shouldn't brain it or go out of my method, but my hair died and my eyes blunder. I want to pressure it is my opinion, all people that personal them should not be caught lifeless donning them...or am i erroneous?

Christmas Gifting 101: A Visual Aid

You're in that mad, last minute scramble to find a present for that special someone. When it comes to gift-giving, a scarf is always a safe choice, right? Not always. Behold:

In your frenzy to get out of the store, don't forget to pay attention to what you're buying. Unless she wants to look like her nipples sucked a lemon or saw their own shadow and retreated for six more weeks of winter, put this back on the clearance pile. If she's into that sort of thing, go ahead and get it. I'm sure Freud would have an opinion on this. But he's dead and anyway, sometimes a scarf is just a scarf.

Last Minute Gifts: Wine Warning

Over here at Magick Sandwich, we've finished our Christmas shopping. Since we never stop spending on ourselves, it's really just shopping with the holidays as a convenient cover story. Much like an alcoholic who rationalizes drinking on special occasions, for a shopper every day is a special occasion.

Speaking of addiction and Christmas, you might be thinking of giving the last-minute gift of a bottle of vino. After all, Jesus, guest of honor, turned water into wine. Since you can't, you'll need a credit card and a little help from FedEx.

With only four days till Christmas, you need to make haste. But take a moment to learn about the art of wine shipping. Did you know there are certain states that do not allow it? Montana, South Dakota, Massachusetts and Pennsylvania are a few.

The grape of wrath?

The "dry state" of Utah I can understand, although I've known quite a few Mormon drunkards, believe you me. But New Jersey? Why would it deny its citizens a bit of relief? Luckily, you can help fight this injustice at freethegrapes.org, a national grass roots coalition of wine lovers, wineries and retailers fighting the powerful wine wholesalers' lobby. Those bastards!

Don't get sidetracked by this cause, worthy though it may be. For now, you need to concentrate on your wino friends who live in one of the 39 states protected by direct shipping legislation. There are many distributors online, some of whom will package bottles nicely so as to remind your recipient of its heart-healthy benefits while de-emphasizing its cirrhotic effects on the liver.

When choosing your gift, don't forget to read the fine print. I was perusing wine.woot.com this morning and saw a 2 pack of 2003 Keller Estate Sparkling Brut. How can you go wrong with a 2 pack? So classy and only $49.99. But then I saw this:

What?  Am I supposed to call Glenn and tell him to stay sober all day so he can sign for the package? His inability to do so only proves that this is the perfect gift for him! What if Nancy's been huffing paint? Will the FedEx guy be able to tell the difference between high and drunk? What qualifies him to judge? This is human-rights abuse, pure and simple.

Looks like it's going to be another year of clean piss in Christmas mugs for my parolee friends and festively wrapped syringes for the junkies. Maybe you're thinking I should get a better class of friends but it isn't easy to find people happy to get cheap wine. When everything you drink has a screw top, you appreciate a good cork now and then.



More gift ideas:
Great Holiday Gifts: Bacon Edition
Great Gifts for Everyone on Your List!

Xmas Re-Gift: Manger Danger!

Pittstown, DE--Is your neighborhood nativity scene safe? Sadly, the answer was no for the Davis family, whose three year old daughter, Mensa, was injured last night when a faulty manger toppled onto the youngster.

"We were in the town square videotaping her throwing rocks at squirrels," her father read from a prepared statement at a press conference this morning. "It's good for her hand-eye coordination. Then she started to climb up the manger wall. One moment her mother and I were laughing and clapping, the next, tragedy struck. It is unconscionable that the city did not properly anchor the manger to the ground. How could they do that to my little girl?"

Reached by phone, Mensa's mother stated, "If she doesn't come out of the coma soon, she'll lose her spot at Branstone preschool. Her life will be ruined!" She added, "They're going to pay for this!" before hanging up, overcome with emotion.

Savior Sold Industries, manufacturer of the nativity scene, is expected to release a statement later today. This is not the first time the company has had a problem with a defective product. In 2007, it voluntarily recalled its Sweet Jesus Jumbo Tabletop Candy Crèche after a Pekingese choked to death on a piece of myrrh.

In related news, a Wise Man was attacked on December 6th in Baye Village, Ohio. DNA evidence is pending. Local registered sex offenders are being questioned. The manger's owner, Jerry Smith, has removed the display from his lawn and says it will remain deflated until further notice.

Meanwhile, a church group in Iowa continues its efforts to make peeing on the baby Jesus a felony.

Great Holiday Gift Ideas: Bacon Edition

At Magick Sandwich, we like a nice BLT. Minus the L and T, of course. We also know it makes an awesome gift. Surprise your loved ones with the gift that keeps on giving, all the way from tastiness to heartburn to deadly plaque buildup: bacon.

Heard of heirloom tomatoes? Kids' stuff. The Pig's Heirloom Bacon Club will ship your loved ones a different "delicious artisan bacon made from heritage pork" each month, selected by professional bacon connoisseurs. That's an intriguing career choice. There's probably significant turnover considering the occupational hazard of coronary artery disease. But what a way to go, huh?

From atherosclerosis to cirrhosis, bacon has you covered. This Christmas, gather 'round the tree for a festive eyeopener. Friends and family will love the carnivorous cocktails you whip up with Bakon Vodka. (Because you can't trademark Bacon.) Top them off with Demitri's Bloody Mary Rim Salt. Bacon. Salt. Bacon salt. Did you just hear angels sing? I did, but that could be my blood pressure medication wearing off.

Time for some inventive foods to soak up all that booze. Pancake and bacon cookies are a fuss-free alternative to a traditional breakfast. Set out a basket of blueberry bacon muffins, a bowl of pork candy,  wash it all down with a tall glass of bacon soda or a steaming hot cup of Maple Bacon Morning coffee, and you've got a feast your guests won't soon forget. In fact, they may not let you have Christmas at your house again. Ever. You're welcome, bacon would say if it could talk, but it can't because its head was cut off.

This is what pork candy looks like.

But what to do later? If you happen to be in New York City, you're in luck. Head to Fatty 'Cue in the West Village for its famous half pound orders of deep-fried bacon. Your guests will think they've died and gone to heaven. Or they might just die. Honestly, the pig leg handle on the front door cannot be a good sign. 

It's so literal.

Finally, for the oddball in the family--we all have one--who lives in the woods, braids his own ear hair and has a statue of Jesus made entirely of toenail clippings, we suggest Tactical Bacon. It's fully cooked bacon in a can with a 10+ year shelf life so poor old Uncle Mudge will have rations to last him through that zombie apocalypse he's always muttering about.

Directions: Open Can. Receive Bacon.

Conveniently, CMGG Inc, purveyor of Tactical Bacon, also sells firearms. Nothing goes with bacon like a 16" M300 AAC Blackout Rifle with Pistol Gas System. The next time you're online shopping for canned breakfast meat, take a look at the armaments. You might want to stock up, you know, just in case Uncle Mudge is right about that whole zombie thing.

More gift ideas:
Great Gifts for Depressed Friends!
Great Gifts for Everyone on Your List!