Last year, Harold Camping, a self-proclaimed Biblical scholar, predicted Judgment Day would begin with global natural disaster on May 21st, 2011. I immediately penned this letter to Jesus to find out what to pack for the Rapture and the logistics of getting to heaven. When I learned many of us would be left behind, I suggested ways to thrive on our doomed planet, including real estate opportunities and gainful employment caring for pets left behind by Raptured owners.
As we all know, May 21st came and went without incident. But Camping knew the reason. God had come to Earth incognito and spiritually judged us all without revealing who would be saved. God had always intended to have a spiritual Judgment Day before the physical one but felt that only the threat of physical torment would get people to take Him seriously. That God is one mean practical joker.
When the world woke up October 22nd, Camping could claim no divine sleight of hand. He said he'd been wrong and that he was disappointed. Disappointed to be alive? He was 89 at the time. Could this be the first known case of attempted suicide by Rapture? At his age, his dream will be coming true mighty soon. He just won't be taking the rest of us with him. And the money he never returned? I'm pretty sure he can't take that with him, either.
With the help of Urban Dictionary, we coined a term for this phenomenon: no-pocalypse. We figured we were done this End of Days thing. But soon there was a new doomsday in town: December 21, 2012. It had something to do with the Mayan calendar or maybe Nostradamus wrote it after he caught syphilis on a trip to Mexico. Who knows?
By this time, everyone's got an acute case of apocalypse fatigue. I don't think too many people have maxed out their credit cards or quit their jobs to hand out flyers warning about this one. It could be due to the Mayans themselves. They're a pretty secretive lot; I couldn't find even one to go on the record. Then I saw this movie, 2012, starring John Cusack.
He looks like he is having a very bad day, caught in a Dante-meets-North by Northwest nightmare. I'm pretty sure that smoke cloud is flipping him the bird. This is John Cusack, the adorable, eternally youthful face of a generation, whose performance in Say Anything made every girl demand romance and every guy hate him for it. His performance in Grosse Pointe Blank is under-appreciated, in my opinion, but I'm getting off-topic. My point is that this Mayan end-times prophecy must be true if John Cusack believes it.
It's December 22nd and the world didn't end. There's only one explanation: John Cusack leapt into his hot tub time machine and prevented the apocalypse. If you woke up this morning, it is only because John Cusack let you live.