Get your game face on at Graceful Services where, for only $125, you'll be massaged with Spermine, a powerful antioxidant found in human sperm. The spa takes corporate accounts and does house calls. (Is that legal?) If you're feeling a bit sheepish, you can purchase a tube of the stuff online. This company which is really, truly named Bioforskning, asserts that Spermine is "the only antioxidant which is capable of penetrating the horny layer of the skin." Adolescent chuckles all around.
If you're feeling flush, hop across the pond to London's Hari's Salon for a bull sperm hair treatment. Yes, it's the real thing but don't fret: they keep it refrigerated so it's nice and fresh. Trowel that on, slap a load of Spermine on your face, then lie back and pretend you're an extra on the set of a porno flick. Tell this tale to your date and he will be snoring peacefully with a stain on his crotch by the time dessert arrives. You're welcome.
Townhouse Spa in NYC. Earthworm excrement-enhanced Wrinkle Butter or Heaven Bee Venom Mask (50ml for only $311.03) can be ordered from the comfort of your own home. But please refer to these things as secretions, droppings and castings. The marketing folks have worked so hard, it would be a shame to waste their diligently researched synonyms.
All this reclining under excreta may have you worried about toxins but never fear. We've broken it down for you. Animal poop: good. Your poop: bad. Now you'll need to fly back to London's EF Medispa for its Californian Colonic, perhaps inspired by the warm California sun...or just filled with bits of real Californians. One should never assume. After the normal colonic--did I just write that?--blows "unnecessary waste and toxins" through a length of tubing, wheatgrass is "directly infused into the colon." Again, hats off to the marketing department but the line must be drawn somewhere.There is no way to make the word tubing sound pleasant. Besides, colon hydrotherapy sounds suspiciously like what Sybil's mother did.
|Did it suck her brain out too?|
Procuring all this dewy softness can make one rather cranky. So if your date shows up stinking of Febreze with a bottle of Snooki perfume in one hand and a box of post-Hef Holly Madison candy necklaces in the other--I think I got a cold sore just writing that--slam the door and clear your schedule for some quality time with the Crave Duet Lux, described by its inventor as the iPod of vibrators.
This bad boy comes complete with a USB port that's chargeable by computer so there are no pesky cords or batteries to slow you down. And it sports a super classy gold-plated base and 16 big swinging gigabytes of memory so you can keep your treasured memories close to your, well, you know. Best of all, whatever you choose to store--photos of autumn leaves or the complete works of Ryan Gosling--Duet Lux will remember everything you tell it. And isn't that all you really want in a guy?
Lonely on Valentine's Day? There's an App for That