3/16/2013

Google, Come Back!

Google, why won't you call? I've tried so hard to make you love me. I study everything you want me to: Page Rank, Author Rank, Adsense, AdWords, Analytics--the list goes on and on. Yet I'm still confused. You must be nice since you like penguins and pandas. So why aren't we in Sync?

You stalked me with your Street View car and took an awful picture of me while stealing my neighbors' WiFi data. I was a little flattered, though I wish I'd had time to freshen up. Then you swore it was a rogue buddy who'd done it and taught me that without a password, we're all just asking for it. But lately I feel like I'm the only one putting any effort into this relationship.

No fooling- Google my address and you'll see me.
Are you trying to cut me off from my friends by dumping Google Reader? How long until you further isolate me by killiing Feedburner? You say I should concentrate on Google+ but how can I trust you when I never hear from Buzz anymore? And you couldn't let me have my pretty little iGoogle. Is it all about youGoogle?

What else must I do, Google? I love you and fear your displeasure. You know everything about me. Everything. So please, Google, unencrypt your heart.

10 comments:

  1. It will never happen, Google does not love us. Google is an egomaniacal monster that we have created. It will grunt and roam the countryside and scare little children, until an angry mob chases it into a windmill, whereupon they will burn the mill and destroy the entrapped monster.

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    1. So you know why I can't keep away.

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  2. I know how you feel. I use a lot of Google products, even have a Nexus 7. Google, don't abandon me now!!! :)

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    Replies
    1. I toggle back and forth between feeling violated and insufficiently stalked.

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  3. I love you, Magick Sandwich xx

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  4. Great post. Google is a data-devouring monster that has way too much influence over the Internet. Someday I suspect they will run afoul of anti-trust laws either here in the U.S. or abroad, affording an opportunity to rein in their unchecked ability to not only collect ludicrous amounts of data on individuals, but also their proclivity to launch products, establish dependencies, then yank the products with little thought as to the consequences suffered by their user bases.

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  5. Yo, you got your 108 kilobytes of fame! Way to go, dude! --- Now, I wonder if one could organize people to throw on rubber masks whenever they see a Street View car, and run alongside it for a while. Imagine continually rotating flash-mobs, bent on goofing up as many address views as possible. It could be a movement!

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  6. This was taken in 2009 and, believe it or not, I remember that day. I was putting off going to the laundromat by talking to a neighbor. With Street View you can pan around and see the t-shirt I'm wearing. Then you can "drive" down my street. It's creepy-cool.

    I've heard of people dressing up in costumes to try to make their street look like Colonial Williamsburg or something. If you know the car is coming, that could work. Otherwise it just seems like an elaborate excuse to haul out your butterchurn.

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