6/05/2013

Michael Douglas Provides Vital Link Between Oral Sex and Cancer, Embarrasses Wife

It's bad enough that Michael Douglas made out with Matt Damon. For shame! He has sullied the memory of watching Liberace with my grandmother, never knowing he was gay. (I had a crush on Paul Lynde, too. Don't judge me.) So when I heard that Douglas had blamed his throat cancer on oral sex, I was so outraged that I wanted to know why I was outraged so I could write a snide tweet-- something like this:


Or I could write a confessional about how I had contracted ass cancer from a toilet seat in the Kaufman Astoria Cineplex. Maybe someday.

A search for "Michael Douglas cunnilingus" triggered a Safe Search block and meltdown that crashed my cell phone. An algorithm assumed I was looking for porn? Somehow I can't imagine that finding it requires such highfalutin' vocabulary. You have a dirty mind, Safe Search. You don't know me at all.

Turned out "Michael Douglas cancer" was just the ticket. Apparently, I'm coming to the story late. Douglas has already denied he said cunnilingus caused his cancer. Was his remark taken out of context? Here's what he said when asked if he regretted the years of smoking and drinking prior to the cancer, he said, “No. Because this particular cancer is caused by HPV, which actually comes from cunnilingus.”

It does sound like he's blaming oral sex. It also sounds like a nifty way to deflect attention from the abuse he's put his body through. He told a Guardian reporter his throat cancer could also be related to the stress of dealing with his drug-addicted jailbird son. Okay, so oral sex and heartache give you cancer but not smoking and drinking, two other things that go on in the mouth area? And if stress causes cancer, shouldn't we all be dead? To be fair to Mr. Douglas, he might be in denial or he could just be tired of being asked.

I wish this had led to meaningful discourse about our need to have a reason for everything and the impropriety of pushing that on an ill person who may be at the most vulnerable point in his or her life. But just knowing that anyone with a television has been subjected to repeated mentions of this story is good, too.

In his own creepy way, he's bringing attention to human papillomavirus, which is rampant and kills thousands of women each year. Vaccines exist for both sexes but few are inoculated. Prude Jesus chastity faith blah blah blah.  People don't want to admit their children will have sex. There's also worry about risk of the injection itself. I don't know where this John Bircher-level bullshit comes from-- fear and love in varying measure, I suspect.

So listen up, all you Moms and Dads out there, I have all the inducement you'll ever need. If you think picturing your child having sex is bad, picture her having sex with this guy:


"It's a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer. And if you have it, 
cunnilingus is also the best cure for it."

The doctor will see you now.

1 comment:

  1. I love it when someone comes up with a sentence no one else could ever write, because it could only be written once. "A search for 'Michael Douglas cunnilingus' triggered a Safe Search block and meltdown that crashed my cell phone."

    I also love it when a sentence is just plain true. "And if stress causes cancer, shouldn't we all be dead?"

    And I'm a real sucker for a good photo caption. Nice post. Sad and creepy guy.

    ReplyDelete

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