Stupid Scary Halloween Costumes and More

It's that time of year again, when we take a break from being a pious Christian nation to celebrate undead, brain-starved zombies and dress our children as whores and villains. What's not to love? Unfortunately, I grew up in northern New York where, more often than not, I had to augment my sexy vampire costume with thermal underwear. I wanted to look hot, sure, but I also wanted to stay warm to, um, survive.

Halloween shows no mercy. Just a few years ago, everyone wanted to dress like Sarah Palin but now, she'ss been largely forgotten. (To be shocked out of your complacency, visit Palin as President.) She'll rise again, I'm afraid, but until that time comes, might I interest you in this Palin pooch costume from Wiggles, purveyor of premium canine hairpieces?

Dress your dog like Sarah Palin?

Don't have a dog? Rent one from Flexpetz, which will pimp you this Labradoodle and throw in airfare to boot.  How you dress up your Pretty Woman is your business. If your fantasy extends to the full Richard Gere, there's always the option to buy.

Not into cosplay? (First and last time I will ever use that word.) Then why not stay at a haunted hotel like Lizzie Borden's house, a Latvian prison cell or room 35 of the Irma Hotel in Cody, Wyoming, where I bunked for a night and was relieved to emerge free of spooky encounters. I would have had to overhaul my entire belief system and add Ghost Hunters to my TiVo queue, so I feel I dodged a non-corporeal bullet there.

If sleeping with one eye open holds no appeal for you, stay at home instead and listen to trick-or-treaters chanting things like this : "WE WANT MORE CANDY! WE WANT MORE CANDY! NO MORE APPLES! NO MORE APPLES!" You will be amused even as an unsettling fear stirs deep inside your lizard brain. 

Here's a super easy outfit you can throw together if you get a last minute Halloween invite. Wrap a pencil in electrical tape and go as a douchebag smoking an e-cigarette. There will probably be people at the party smoking them who don't realize they're wearing two costumes. Should you tell them? Be aware that if you do, they may be able to guess you've come as a douchebag.

As for me, I'm going to be lazy this year and sit around pondering life's big questions. Why, for instance, is everyone freaking out about this costume?

It's tasteless and glorifies a life-threatening illness, yes. Is it going to cause a girl to become anorexic? I don't think so. By that logic, we'd all be sexy princesses, sexy nurses, sexy pirates, sexy anything. This matters much more to us than it does to them. Common sense takeaway? Do not let your daughter get a boob job and/or become a Real Housewife.

And why is no one freaking out about this particular costume?

Apparently, drug dealer as Renaissance man is a thing. Never before have meth cooks enjoyed such popularity. I imagine them fêted in sumptuously appointed trailers, jelly jars raised high by dead-toothed family and friends, hailed as captains of industry.

To be honest, I thought about wearing this suit myself, if only to give parents pause about accepting the candy I offer when their kids knock on my door. But, unless they've been binge watching Breaking Bad, I'm just going to look like a deranged Teletubbie or the guy who showed up after Grandpa fell asleep forever on the radiator. Not sexy.

More treats:


  1. I always answer the door wearing my Bob Marley wig. Yeah, a blue-eyed white girl giving out her Rasta-Reggae vibe to the neighborhood. lol

  2. First? I love Heisenberg. Second? I STAYED IN ROOM 35 too!! We slept in the same bed, how weird is that???? :o

    1. No way, Chelle! That is crazy!!! Did you write in the desk drawer? When I opened it, I found graffiti from people reporting whether or not they'd seen anything.


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