Magick Sandwich

My First Contest!

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 18:19:00 +0000

I can't wait to tell you about The AdSpace Contest I found!

The idea is simple and easy: Get as many entries as you can (very easy to do) over the next 30 days. The more entries you get, the better chance you have of winning! At the end of the 30 days, they announce the winner.

The prize?

A 125x125 pixel ad spot (above the fold) on at least TEN DIFFERENT BLOGS that will run for one month. That's at least a $100 value!

Who is co-hosting?

Geek Mom Mashup

Vrtualme

Jamaipanese

Best of Stupid

AxioBlog

The Big Bald Blog

Jason Boom

Unconventional Marketing Blog

Offended Blogger

GorillaSushi

How do you enter to win?

1 Entry - Subscribe to any one of the blogs above via email.

10 Entries - Write a post about the contest (must include links to all 10 hosts OR use the suggested text)

25 Entries - Offer up an ad spot on your own blog for one month as part of the prize package

Simply put, you could subscribe to all 10 blogs, write a post and offer up your own ad spot for a grand total of 45 entries!

If it were any easier, it would be magick!

Holy Sidewalk, Batman!

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 16:17:00 +0000

This is the best pavement art I've seen in a long time.

All Drug Olympics

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 14:45:00 +0000

This is one my favorites from SNL, a true classic.

Here are a couple of other places that have partial clips, if you can't see this one from hulu.com.

mediazine.net
vodpod.com

This is just too good not to share.

Why Blue is the New Green

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 15:28:00 +0000

As presidential candidates argue the benefits of tire gauges and offshore drilling, as Chinese officials fight to keep smog and smelly cabdrivers at bay during the Olympic games, I would like to pay tribute to the unsung heroes of our economy, the environment and the world: the depressed.

Depressives support us in many ways:

They are locavores, meaning they support local business and farms by always ordering in. They conserve energy by not cooking food themselves, encourage the use of pedal power and support the service sector when they tip the delivery guy.

They watch a lot of television, so they help ratings. They're probably watching the Olympics right now. You're welcome, NBC!

They also use fewer resources since they don't bathe or wash their clothes too often, thereby conserving water and releasing fewer harmful detergents into the ecosystem.

At the same time, depressives add value to our water supply. As you may know, prescription medications are not filtered during water treatment. So, if you've ever said, "Somebody ought put Prozac in the drinking water around here," they do--every time they pee!

Related post:
Great Gifts for Depressed Friends!

raison d’être

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 19:30:00 +0000

Sometimes, this is the only thing that keeps me going....

Sandwich Fixins

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 14:37:00 +0000

Fun Fact:

The remains of the inventor of the Pringles can are buried in a Pringles can.

Vocabulary Fun for a Good Cause:

For each word you define correctly, the United Nations' World Food Bank will donate 20 grains of rice to help feed the world's hungry.

Because You Know You Want To:

Buy the new photo book,John Waters: Place Space by Todd Oldham.

Mr. Waters, you are my Jesus of filth. I accept that you, my personal savior, choose to shun dentistry. But, if it be thy will, could you please get Mr. Oldham to reconsider his own unfortunate orthodontia? I know he'll listen to you, and those things could really hurt somebody!

Related posts:

Je suis arrivée!

Sandwich Fixins--July 2008

5 Lessons from Customer Service

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 14:04:00 +0000

To give you a little background on my expertise, I can tell you that I have worked as a sandwich maker, toilet cleaner, health food store personnel manager and plastic surgery practice manager.

Amazingly enough, the plastic surgery patient has much in common with the health food store customer-- one wants to stay young forever from the inside out, the other from the outside in. Both are pretty crabby as a result.

As for the lesson to take from being a sandwich maker and toilet cleaner? Since it was the same job, I can tell you this: disgruntled minimum-wage earners rarely wash their hands.

That said, let's dive in to today's lessons, shall we?

1. Keep a straight face.

I learned this my first day of training in customer service at Kinney Drugs when I was 16 years old. An impossibly wizened old man appeared, slapped a pack of condoms on the counter and gave me a sly grin that still held a mossy tooth or two.

The woman training me actually dropped to her knees under the counter, shaking with laughter. I rang him up and got him "a pack of them Pell Mells," as he put it. I never cracked a smile, but I did correct his pronunciation. I don't think he cared.

2. Anticipate stupid questions.

Patient before plastic surgery: "Will I sleep until I wake up?"
Answer: "Yes, what will happen is you're sleeping, you're sleeping, then, boom, you're awake."

Customer at health food store: "Do you sell organic chicken?"
Answer: "Actually, all chicken is organic. We don't sell cyborg chickens here."
(Hah! That one was a trap. Were you paying attention? The correct answer is "yes.")

3. Be prepared with helpful advice.

At the health food store's vitamin counter, customers came to me with questions regarding their digestive health. Apparently, this had become an issue requiring attention although colons had been chugging along with no need for heroic measures for quite a long time.

One of these concerns had to do with toxins accumulating if a person's bowels were not evacuating at a healthy rate. I mulled this over and found the perfect answer for those wanting to observe their own 'intestinal transit time': "Eat some corn."

This always stopped customers in their tracks, perhaps because it reminded them of exactly what they were seriously discussing with a relative stranger, or perhaps because it was an ingenious idea. Either way, I think I helped a lot of people.

4. Remain professional at all times.

At the store, I interviewed an applicant for a promising career in the produce section. At first, I was put off by his t-shirt depicting a naked woman bound and stretched over a large wheel. Perhaps he hadn't planned his wardrobe and had just spontaneously walked in to apply. Then I saw the button pinned to the shirt: "I wouldn't fuck her with your dick."

It seemed imprudent of this young man not to survey himself prior to entering the store and realize that it might be a good idea to take the button off and put it in his pocket for the duration of his interview. I'm all for freedom of expression, so I finished speaking with him and ushered him out the door telling him we would call if he got the job.

A few days later, he showed up yelling that he couldn't understand why we still had an ad in the paper. As customers gathered, I tried to explain that "this is how interviews work. Some people get the job and some people don't. It's not automatic." Our security guard helped him exit as he called me some names.

I consider this a failure on my part. I was unable to educate him about the process. The story does have a happy ending; a few weeks later, I saw him handing out flyers. I was gratified that he'd found a job and I quickly crossed the street.

5. Know when it's time to leave.

At some point, it will dawn on you that now might be the time to look for another line of work.

At the plastic surgeon's office, it came when I collected payment from a man scheduled to have liposuction. As he left, he said, "I feel lighter already!" to which I responded, "That's just your wallet!"

At the health food store, it came when I toyed with the idea of making a t-shirt that summed up my feelings quite nicely: Get laid and eat a cheeseburger, you pasty-faced maggots! It has a certain ring to it, don't you think?

Class dismissed.

My lolCat Can Kick Your lolCat's Ass!

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 13:00:00 +0000

In honor of the Sandwich's new look (courtesy of LAH Web Designs), I present my first ever lolcat! Rocky graciously posed for this photo after a haircut. He says he finds it really refreshing, especially in the summer.

Click here to go to I Can Has Cheezburger and vote for Rocky or create your own lol-whatever. We can all use a little silliness in our lives, can't we?

Even if the proper term is "cat macro" and it is a dumbed-down symbol of all that is wrong with today's Internet, scrolling through a website of pet photos with funny captions can lift my spirits...and it can't cancel out my college education.

Related post:

Two Fun Time-Sucks for When You're Feeling Uninspired

Lance and Kate Split: The Horror, The Horror

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 14:05:00 +0000

Say it ain't so! Philandering one-balled bicyclist Lance Armstrong and free love advocate Kate Hudson have called it quits! I, for one, am shocked and dismayed! Click here for up-to-the-minute details from US Weekly. Just kidding--I know you don't really care.

This is just one more thing to distract us from the national deficit, Ted Stevens' indictment, Robert Novak's brain tumor, and the Republican wingnut running for president. (Is it just me, or does he look more like the gopher from Caddyshack every day? I keep expecting him to break into 'I'm Alright' while swaying back and forth.)

I do feel sorry for Ryder, Kate's son. In addition to keeping his hair long to use him as a parental fashion statement, Kate should buy him an "Are you my new daddy?" t-shirt and put a revolving door on her bedroom.

I'm not excusing that slut Armstrong by any means. But this leg-shaving, spandex-wearing hound has lucked into more OPP than anyone in the history of cycling and he's going to get it while he can. Ball cancer's the best thing that ever happened to him.

As for Ryder hanging out with Mom in an ass-baring thong, just start the therapy fund now. And don't blame Oedipus. I doubt Kate Hudson ever read the classics.

Related Posts:

Lance Armstrong, Cancer Slut, Dating Kate Hudson

Great Gifts for Depressed Friends - LiveStrong bracelet alternative

Dear Presidential Candidate, You're Ignorant!

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 17:24:00 +0000

Have you gotten this bit of right-wing email spam yet?

Subj: FW: I AM RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT
I NEED YOUR VOTE! I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT!!! HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1) Automated telephone recordings stating 'Press 1 for English' will be immediately banned. English is the official language, speak it or wait at the border until you can.

(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports. We will use the 'Wal-Mart policy 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'

(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.

(4) Military personnel will man our many observation towers on the southern border. They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.

(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. The president nor any other politician will be able to touch it.

(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade, as you and/or your children will attend school to better yourself.

(7) Professional Athletes/Steroids - The FIRST time you check positive/banned for life.

(8) One export will be allowed, Wheat, The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

(9) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.

The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.

The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes but a vote for me will get you better than what you have, and better than what you're gonna get. Thanks for listening, and remember to write in my name on the ballot in November. God bless America ! Who wants to be my VP ???

My husband and I usually ignore this tripe, but this one "got under [his] fingernails." Here is his response and one of the many reasons I am proud that we will celebrate twenty years together next month.

Dear Presidential Candidate:

The bit about Wal-Mart is too funny.

The import ban would put Wal-Mart out of business virtually overnight, since their entire business model is built upon cheap Chinese imports and cutthroat internal labor practices. Wal-Mart is far and away the largest single U.S. importer of Chinese goods, and they would have very little left indeed on their shelves if foreign imports were cut off. Most people don't realize that the manufacturing source for almost all the brand goods and appliances that we know and grew up with, from Frigidaire air conditioners to Mattel toys, now resides in China (or in some cases nowadays, Vietnam). Start looking at labels--even Black & Decker power tools are built in Asia. America no longer has the light industry manufacturing infrastructure to be self-sufficient and hasn't had it since the eighties. Who's the number one consumer and manufacturer of steel? China. Who just passed the U.S. in total Internet usage? China. This is not going to change--this particular horse left the stable a long time ago!

Instead of looking backwards and wishing for the days of the 1950s and early 1960s to magically re-appear, this country would be better served by concentrating on the things the U.S. still has a demonstrable edge in, like high-technology goods and services. Boeing and Intel are good examples. Our university system is still the envy of the world and is still capable of feeding the seeds of great innovation to our nation's industry sectors, but we need to devote much more attention to education in general to stay competitive in the world market--something that hasn't happened during the Bush administration. "No Child Left Behind" has been little more than a publicity stunt.

Ignoring the humor value of the right-wing silliness about foreign aid--which is a drop in the bucket compared to our monthly expenditures in Iraq--the fiscal policies of the idiot, er, Texan we have in the White House have brought us to ruinous national debt levels. In no other time in all of American history have tax cuts been passed and maintained in time of war.

While cutting taxes, Bush has used issuance of Treasury bonds (i.e. national debt, the country's credit card, so to speak) to finance his Middle Eastern adventure. (And just guess who's holding well over a trillion dollars of our Treasury debt? You guessed it: The People's Republic of China.) But just like poor people whose spending sprees finally come to a screeching halt because they've maxed out their credit card limits, the bill is coming due on this administration's insane spending policies.

Regardless of who is elected as the next president, his first term is going to be very painful indeed. When even Wall Street bond traders worry out loud about the country's debt load (and trust me, these greed-meisters make sickening amounts of money every time the Fed prints more Treasury securities--i.e., government debt--for them to buy and sell), I get a sick feeling in my stomach. The next president is going to be facing some very painful political choices even if the Iraq entanglement is wound down relatively quickly. Something has to give pretty soon--and it's going to be tax rates.

As to the other items:

#1 - tough one--can we afford to lose all that tourism income, even from ritzy (read: white European) non-English speakers?

#2 - 'nuff said.

#3 - silly, and why should we penalize those with the least money to buy essential items?

#4 - reminds me of the good old days...in East Germany along the Berlin Wall.

#5 - too late. Check Mr. Bush's activities re Social Security funding. His tax policies are gutting the program, and Medicare.

#6 - I love the idea of more education, especially when you link it to an assumption that everyone is a crack addict.

#7 - thumbs up on this suggestion.

#8 - truly, this is some kind of Cajun voodoo economics cooked with lots of chili peppers.

#9 - I love thinking about the cost of the bureaucracy it would take to consult everyone as to their charitable inclinations and collect money from them.

#10 & #11 - Pledge of Allegiance and National Anthem - I'm definitely down with these -- good medicine.

Well, Mr. Presidential Candidate, good luck in the race for 2009!

For the record, I'd like to point out that the candidate doesn't demonstrate the ability to count past #9, so kudos go to my hubby for giving him the benefit of the doubt. Love you, honey!

Related posts:

Bush Saves Social Security?

Idiocracy Now Qualifies as a Documentary

Heath Ledger: Still Spinning Him In His Grave

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 17:33:00 +0000

The spin doctoring was a success, but the patient died.

Heath Ledger died of an accidental overdose of prescription drugs.
Brad Renfro committed suicide with illegal drugs.
Heath had a movie in the can with the potential to make truckloads of money for those involved.
Renfro's photo wasn't even shown in the montage of dead film industry people on the 2007 Oscars. (The official reason given was that there wasn't enough time to show everyone.)
There's already buzz about Heath's posthumous Oscar nom.

Have we just witnessed the invention of a politically correct way to die by one's own hand?

*******

How did he accidentally overdose, anyway? Was he walking across the room with a big bowl o' drugs when he slipped and a bunch of pills tumbled into his mouth as he fell? Has the amount of each drug in his bloodstream ever been released? Maybe he just took one of each and was really unlucky. I don't judge him either way-- I judge the people who feel the need to spin this loss for their own gain.

*******
Today's Poll: If Heath had written a suicide note, what would it say?

I think it would say, "Wait a minute--I can quit you!"

Submit your entries soon-- the winner will be heaped with scorn at a future date.

Sandwich Fixins

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 16:31:00 +0000

In an homage* to Mattress Police, in which Diesel of humor-blogs.com fame "clean(s) out the disorganized sock drawer of [his] mind", I present the hopelessly derivative yet first ever edition of Sandwich Fixins.

*homage: ten dollar word for theft

*******

Fun Fact: When I was a teenager, I liked to steal "Shoplifters Will Be Prosecuted" signs.

*******

Psychology Corner: I read somewhere that a purse is a metaphor for a vagina. This is a relief for me, since I thought a purse was an actual vagina. Finally, I can stop looking for the prettiest one to put my stuff in.

*******

Allergy Update: Who needs guns for another Columbine? Just lock all the exits and put a peanut in every lunchbox.

*******

Literally Speaking: Was Thomas Beatie the world's first pregnant man? Here's a handy way to find out:

Was he born with a womb?
Did the baby gestate in that womb?

If the answer to these questions is yes, then no, he was not the world's first pregnant man! Close but no cigar...even if a cigar is later attached.

Technically, he is the first documented FTM transgendered male-identified person to give birth. No judgment here, people, just a call for precision. Don't call Guinness just yet.

When I see a natural born dude grow a baby in his abdominal cavity and squeeze it out through his ding dong, I'll be convinced. Until then, this is just two loving parents having a child together. Who's wearing the mustache is beside the point.

This lays to rest the great koan, "If my aunt had balls, would she be my uncle?" The answer is yes, but she couldn't be your Dad.

Two Fun Time-Sucks for When You're Feeling Uninspired

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 16:23:00 +0000

#1-- JD over at i do things so you don't have to has shared a great new plaything: Wordle. You know those word clouds that are totally confusing and frustrating when you encounter them on, say, Stumble? It turns out, when it's all made of my own words, it's kinda fun! JD, I know you did it so I wouldn't have to and I thank you for that, but this one I had to try. It's like the verbal equivalent of an intestinal blockage.

#2-- I've seen the word "meme" bandied about quite a bit and don't like to admit ignorance, so I turned to Wikipedia, which is like a group of disagreeably erudite and possibly drunk friends, each convinced of his own unassailable rectitude. (Plus one member of the Colbert Nation screwing with everyone's heads.) Little did I know that I would be wading into a debate about social evolution. Dawkins and Darwin and memes, oh my!

So I turned to SinisterDan at A Reasonable Ego for relief. He distracted me from the endless tilling of philosophical ground with a fun little project to do at home. He's researched a great way to make an album or band meme and has a spooky story to tell about his experience. Here are the directions from his site:

1. Go to Wikipedia and hit the random page function; this is the name of your band.

2. Similarly, go to QuotationsPage.com and take the last four words of the very last quote; this will be you album title.

3. Finally, go to this link at Flickr and use the third image; this is your album cover.

Here's mine:

Though Steven Pinker might not approve, I'm happy for this diversion, as I'm feeling like a bit of a blank slate today.

Have Your Cake and Eat Me, Too!

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 19:49:00 +0000

I'm just a poor country blogger, strictly small-time. So I look forward to the occasional comment on a post, even if it might disagree with my point of view.

Today I deleted a comment for the first time and I'm feeling a little guilty. I may have misused my prerogative (bloggerogative?) to crush someone's genuine opinion. To atone, I hereby reprint the comment in its entirety:

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Great Gifts for Depressed Friends!":

Hey guys if you’re looking for an awesome gift for someone. Look no further! Check out the website www.cakeandaprayer.com. I gave my friend a cake and a prayer for her birthday and she was blown away by it. The great thing about the gift was that the website had pre-written gift messages. I was surprised at the quality of the gift and the price. It included the gift card, cake (which was so good we all wanted more) and a framed scripture with my name signed on the bottom. Trust me you will not be disappointed! I used this discount code (GB080108) and got $10 off, try it!

Posted by Anonymous to Magick Sandwich at July 16, 2008 11:49 AM

I was thinking as I so callously deleted it that this comment was meant to advertise something. I'm not saying that the good folk over at Cake and A Prayer had anything to do with this, although I am oddly craving Bon Jovi. It looks like a fine company, one which would never stoop so low as to spam unto others. Obviously, this was a message from someone so moved by simultaneous cake on prayer action that he or she wanted to spontaneously share it with others.

In this person's rapture, it somehow escaped revelation that mine is not an ideal site on which to extol the virtues of scripture, be it gifted or pay-per-view. I must say, the angel food cake (what else?) does look like it would make the story go down a lot easier. And the prewritten gift messages show I care enough to pretend I'm literate without the hassle of having to form my own sentence. What a relief!

In the spirit of giving, I want to help this kind soul to spread the word and share the cake (transmogrification not included). One might think I'm helping to promote something I find personally abhorrent. But I'm happy to pay it forward in my own way--my blog, my rules-- where I control the horizontal and the vertical.

That, in my humble opinion, is the icing on the cake.

Denise Richards is Right: It's Complicated

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 21:15:00 +0000

My Inbox:

From: The Skeptics Society
Re: Welcome to eSkeptic

"I have made a ceaseless effort not to ridicule, not to bewail, not to scorn human actions, but to understand them."
--Baruch Spinoza

Welcome to eSkeptic...the weekly electronic companion to SKEPTIC magazine and the Skeptics Society. The Skeptics Society is a scientific research and educational organization dedicated to the investigation of controversial theories, extraordinary claims, and revolutionary ideas, as well as the promotion of science, reason, and critical thinking.

Each edition of eSkeptic features articles, reviews, or opinion editorials on current events related to science and skepticism. These will include media updates, critiques and commentary on current events, ongoing investigations, updates on the Skeptics Distinguished Lecture Series at Caltech and our annual conference, the contents of each new issue of Skeptic magazine, and other timely information.
----------------------------+

Joining is FREE.
NEW SUBSCRIBERS can sign up at:
http://www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/signup/

----------------------------+

My Outbox:

To: US Weekly Customer Service
Re: Missed issue again

Hello.

I did not receive last week's issue of US Weekly, the one after "Jake Moves In" but before the one with Madonna and A-Rod on the cover. I don't know the specific issue because I didn't receive it.

Please credit my account. Please do not send me a copy of last week's issue as it will be out-of-date by the time it reaches me.

Also, I have not yet received credit for the last missed issue I reported to you several weeks ago. Please advise.

Thank you for your time and attention to this matter.

Sincerely,

K---------

Hey, I never said I was Spinoza! But at least I've never been married to Charlie Sheen...or have I? (That would explain the itching.)

Related post:

Celebrity News of the Future

Great Gifts for Depressed Friends!

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 13:48:00 +0000

Hey, everybody! Have you been struggling with what to get for those desperately unhappy people in your life? Why wait for an official holiday? (After all, they could be dead by then.) Sad, lonely people are grateful for the smallest gesture and may even feel a flicker of hope before their inexorable fall back into the bottomless pit of despair. Kudos to you, gift-giver!

The "I Wish I Were Dead" mug from theonion.com makes a lovely gift for a disillusioned coworker. And it's grammatically correct, so it's also a great gift for your insufferable ex-English major friends who'll probably live to a ripe old age because they can't finish editing their suicide notes.

What about a gift for that friend who is teetering on the edge, who hasn't fully submitted to dejection? The folks over at despair.com can help. They have a whole range of products that drive home the laughable futility of hope.

Finally, here's an honest fashion statement from our good friend Archie McPhee. Every time your loved one looks at his pristine wrist, he will be reminded of your generosity and his true outlook on life. Hopefully, it will at least get that yellow One Balled Bicyclist band off him for good! Just make sure it's taken off before cremation-- burning rubber is bad for the environment! Have a great day!

Related Posts:

Best Suicide Note Ever!

Bill O'Reilly Cures Depression

Breaking News From Onion News Network

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 16:46:00 +0000

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

Straight From the Sucker Files: The Q-Link

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 14:01:00 +0000

According to the April 2008 issue of InStyle magazine, Lindsay Lohan wears a powerful fashion statement.

"The Q-link is a metallic pendant worn near the heart that purports to adapt to your personal energy frequencies."

Instyle says Madonna wears one, too. I hope this doesn't clash with the frequencies of her red Kabbalah string bracelet. With all this energy bouncing around, can Salma Hayek (another purported wearer) pick up Sirius radio on her dental fillings?

It's also said that the pendant may help to "ease stress, increase focus, boost energy and enhance overall well-being". That must be after its energy has helped to boost money directly from the sucker's wallet.

For a look at the q-link, click here. Rest assured, it looks equally at home hanging around the neck of an air headed celebrity or any denizen of Quark's bar.

Also available is the Q-Link Golf, the site promising that "less stress + more focus= lower golf scores". It could just be that your fellow golfers are laughing so hard, they can't make the green. But I'm so cynical. I guess it could work, right? Tiger Woods, are you listening?

Twitter Tragedy: A Cry for Help Unheard

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 21:51:00 +0000

Cleveland, OH -- The body of a young woman who will perhaps forever be known simply as sadgirl1188 was found early Tuesday morning in her apartment, dead of an apparent suicide. Was she a victim of the phenomenon of social networking?

Suzie Gernsall, who spoke on condition of complete lack of anonymity, said she had learned of her friend's demise through a mutual acquaintance. "She Twittered 'killing myself' and a little later,'dying'. But, honestly, I wasn't following her anymore. She'd turned into a real bummer. She stopped Stumbling stuff, her MySpace bulletins were out-of-date and her Facebook page went on and on about some girl named Sylvia Plath, who isn't even in our network--I checked. After that, I deleted her and told everybody else to, too. But she never knew. It's nice that you can do it like that now, so you don't hurt anybody's feelings."

The local pizza delivery person was shocked and saddened by the news. "She always ordered online because she didn't like to talk," he recalled. "I noticed it was taking her longer and longer to answer the door lately. Also, she was tipping a lot better."

Her brother, who lives in a nearby gated community, was devastated. "I hadn't seen her in a while but she'd installed a GPS tracker in her cellphone, so I always felt like I could keep an eye on her. She started wearing those adult diapers after we all heard about that crazy astronaut lady. She said it was just in case she got too depressed to get up from the couch when she had to go. But she seemed really into her new marketing blog, so I thought she was okay."

Although she had left out extra food and water and had died only hours earlier, the victim was found substantially gnawed on the areas of her body not covered by her filthy bathrobe. Police, shaken by the gruesome discovery, alerted Animal Control personnel, who removed her two cats, Dieter and Scooby, from the premises.

Within hours, images of their adorable bloodied maws began circulating the Internet with a petition to "Save the kitties. Send this to 7 people within the next 10 minutes and you won't believe what comes up on your screen. I don't know how, but this really works!!!" PETA is rumored to be mounting a vigorous defense of the felines, citing, among other things, "the irresistible succulence of human soft parts."

A search of the dead woman's email revealed thousands of unanswered Digg shouts and several "Is it time to reorder?" queries from Vitamin Shoppe.

A source inside Twitter remarked that the site sometimes goes down for maintenance, causing a member's lifestream to be briefly interrupted without warning. An upgraded suicide filter is said to be in the offing.

A neighbor of the dead young woman waxed philosophical when informed of the loss. "I don't know if you could call it a tragedy, really. I mean, the girl didn't really have any friends."

June 13 is National Pigeon Day- Ask Your Boss for the Day Off

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 22:27:00 +0000

June 13 is National Pigeon Day in Central Park.I found this announcement in New York Magazine:

"We’re trying to promote a positive image,” says New York Bird Club founder Anna Dove.... “There’s such negativity for no reason. They’re harmless, defenseless. They can’t attack; their beak is very soft.”

It's great that these disease-carrying merde machines that crowd out other bird species are having their day in the sun. I would like to submit a few more unsung heroes that I believe deserve to be honored.

The Asian longhorned beetle immigrated from China in cargo containers and feeds on maples and elms in New York City, helping us control the rampant tree population,since the only remedy is to chop them down.

Then there's the Chinese emerald ash borer that's helped to rid us of over 6 million ash trees in the Midwest. To paraphrase Springsteen (or Edwin Starr, if you're a purist), "Trees-what are they good for?"

Possibly the most overachieving of these heroes is a plant.Kudzu came here from Japan in 1876 as a decorative plant.It grows an amazing 1 foot per day, smothering native plants and killing trees with its vines. Like something out of the X-Files, it has taken over many southern states and is on its way north. Then we can have National Kudzu Day when it's overgrown everything else in Central Park. Hey, at least it won't hurt our precious pigeons.

Kids will learn cool pigeon facts...as they nibble on pigeon-shape cookies, view pigeon-inspired children’s art, and take part in a candlelight prayer service.(Dove worries there might not even be urban pigeons in five years.)

Hey, here's a cool pigeon fact. They eat meat. I remember one munching on my KFC like some happy cannibal reenactment on the Discovery Channel.

Meanwhile, she urges all New York families to “carry a bit of bread crumbs in your bag, a few seeds to show kindness and respect. The pigeon isn’t a threat or an enemy. It goes along with quality of life to show kindness and compassion to all living things.” That’s a lovely lesson for the children.

Yes, littering- what a great lesson. Here's another one. Have your kids wait until after dark to see who feasts on the castoff pigeon cookie crumbs and detritus you've left in your thoughtless wake. That's right, folks: our friend the Norway rat. He lives on unintentional handouts, like those yummy crumbs dropped from the pudgy little fingers of adorable children who want to feed the pretty birdies.

But let us not forget what is perhaps the greatest lesson of all. Make sure your kids toss those crumbs right next to the feet of a homeless man. This is a great way to teach your children about irony. He might've enjoyed that pastry you crumbled up before you came to the park. He'd definitely drop some crumbs around him to feed the pigeons. You know, those homeless have no manners.

And the Circle of Life continues.

Je suis arrivée!

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 22:36:00 +0000

I have arrived! This is such a proud moment for me. I received this email from BlogRush today, a wonderful company that helps bloggers get more traffic in exchange for putting a large link on one's site.

This message is to inform you that
we have carefully reviewed your blog:
Magick Sandwich
And your blog did not meet the
strict BlogRush quality criteria.

Reason Your Blog Wasn't Approved:
Inappropriate Content Or Advertising: Obscene or Disgusting

Therefore, your blog has not
been approved for use in our network.
Please do not take this decision personally.
We have decided to only approve the highest quality blogs
for our network.
You should remove the BlogRush code from your blog's pages.
If you improve the quality of your blog, and you feel that
it then meets our strict criteria,you can try and resubmit your blog for review after 30 days.
Thank you for your interest in BlogRush.
Best Regards,The BlogRush Team.

Oh my God, this is so exciting- my content is obscene or disgusting! Not to quibble, but obscenity and disgust aren't mutually exclusive, are they?

But this is not a wholesale rejection- oh, no. If I can "improve the quality" of my blog, I can reapply after thirty days. Does this mean I just need to be more tastefully obscene? What does this word mean, anyway?

obscene adjective:
1. designed to incite to indecency or lust; "the dance often becomes flagrantly obscene"-Margaret Mead 2. offensive to the mind; "an abhorrent deed"; "the obscene massacre at Wounded Knee"; "morally repugnant customs"; "repulsive behavior"; "the most repulsive character in recent novels" [syn: abhorrent] 3. suggestive of or tending to moral looseness; "lewd whisperings of a dirty old man"; "an indecent gesture"; "obscene telephone calls"; "salacious limericks" [syn: lewd] WordNet® 3.0, © 2006 by Princeton University

Wow. That sounds like a review of Pink Flamingos.I'm not fit to touch the hem of Mr.Waters' raiment: he is the Jesus of filth. So how can I tell when I'm being obscene? Like Justice Potter Stewart, will I know it when I see it? I certainly can't imagine how to reverse something like disgust.Frankly, I'm a little thrilled to excite such a strong emotion.

Somehow, this is like the maxim that until you are mugged, you are not a real New Yorker. I prostituted myself to BlogRush and they said, "no, thanks, come back when you've washed up." Now I can say I'm a real Blogger. (And I can take off that frigging code!)

Idiocracy Now Qualifies as a Documentary

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 22:18:00 +0000

The movie Idiocracy will get a second chance with American audiences during its upcoming release as a documentary, say Hollywood insiders.Overlooked during its initial run as a comedy film, critics found the plot too farfetched, with a pro wrestler as president and a dumbed-down future in which Ow, My Balls! is the highest-rated TV show.

Thanks to the behavior of our president and the pretenders to his throne, this scenario is more "near-fetched" (to borrow from George Carlin) than ever. President Bush appears on Deal or No Deal.

Clinton, Obama and McCain pander to the fans on WWE RAW. Barack bowls. Hillary does shots.

Although Idiocracy is set 500 years in the future, it seems that our political hopefuls are appealing to the movie's constituency right now. Are we that stupid? There are ow-my-balls-ish signs: Farmer Wants a Wife, Living Lohan, a hundred seasons of America's Funniest Home Videos and counting. Et tu, Tom Bergeron?

Are the candidates that stupid? For an amusing yet sobering answer, check out this collection of the 2008 campaign's most embarrassing moments thus far.

Personally, I'm holding out for the La-Z-Boy with a toilet in it. Adult diapers were a good first step, but I believe in American ingenuity. Now there's a throne we can believe in.

Lance Armstrong, Cancer Slut, Dating Kate Hudson

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 02:40:00 +0000

Kate Hudson is such a whore! I guess she got sick of balls slapping both sides of her chin....

Bush Saves Social Security?

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Fri, 23 May 2008 22:44:00 +0000

"There's not going to be enough people in the system to take advantage of people like me." -- George W. Bush, on the coming Social Security crisis, Wilton, CT, June 9, 2000

At times, our 43rd president can be somewhat inscrutable.(I say this because it sounds so much smarter than subliminable.) The above quote came from the Bushisms calendar on my husband's desk. He read it to me yesterday and I responded with my usual, headslappingly astonished, "What?"

But then a strange thing happened...I began to parse Bush's message. In fact, I think it was prescient. Just a few years later, Bush initiated what may end up being the longest and most costly war in our history. He has already ensured that many of the young men and women who serve our country will never live long enough to qualify for Social Security. Maybe this is what he meant all along! It's something to think about this Memorial Day weekend. That draft-dodger could be a genius!

I may have misunderestimated him.